The Heffners In Hawaii

I'm Turning 40 Tomorrow...

2011-06-08T04:59:00.005-10:00

I really haven't thought of my age a whole lot since I turned 30. I was sure that turning 30 was going to be a tough birthday for me.

It actually ended up being very nice. A neighbor offered to keep our 2 girls and Jon and I ate dinner at the German Outback Steakhouse and went to a great Volksfest and rode rides.

It was a great day.

Even though the kids are growing and getting older, I don't see myself as "old". Sometimes I don't even feel like a grown-up. I mean, I play with the kids. I watch "Glee". I sing karaoke and color with Abby. We swim and goof around and I feel like I can do most of the "kid" things still.

Tomorrow I'll be 40. My body doesn't feel 40, even though it has a few battle scars and a couple more pounds than I'd like. I don't feel "O-L-D".

But, knowing that tomorrow my new age will start with a "4" scares me just a tiny little bit.

Why? I don't really know. There's no reason for it to.

Life at Casa Heffner is pretty good these days. The summer weather is gorgeous, Virginia is lovely (except for the traffic and crazy drivers...), and 9 days out of 10 my job doesn't suck. The kids and Jon are good, and we've seen more of Jon in the last year than we have the rest of his military career!

But being "in my 40's" scares me. In my mind, it's closer to "the end".

Not to be morbid. I am NOWHERE near being ready for the end of this life.

It's not the number itself. It's really hard to explain.

Hopefully tomorrow will be wonderful and I won't feel a bit different........

Arguments

2011-06-07T03:19:00.004-10:00

I heard myself in my teenage daughter last night.

"You don't understand. You have no idea what I'm going through."

Oh, honey, I do. But you don't believe me. I was 16 once and thought I knew it all. I thought my mother couldn't possibly understand my life and how hard it was to be 16. I thought my parents were just there to make my life harder than it already was. I said those exact.same.words to my parents. (Well, my mom. No one ever talked that way to my dad. It just wasn't done.)

The only part of your life that I haven't gone through as a teenager is the constant moving. That part sucks. And I wish you didn't have to deal with it. But it's the life that God gave you, and there's a reason why He thought you could handle it. I wish I could explain to you that it sucks for me, too. I don't have best girl friends to hang out with. I don't have someone to cry to (except your dad, but sometimes you need another female...) I hate being the "new girl" too. It's not any easier as an adult. But it has made me stronger. More confident. And I know you don't think so, but it's done that for you, too. I see it in you - you are brave and strong, and you can handle it. I know you can.

I know you think that I don't love you, that all I do is yell at you. I know you think your life is hard. And some of it probably is.

But I don't yell because I like it. I yell to enforce the rules that you (loudly) disagree with. I yell because sometimes I have to be loud in order for people to even hear me at our house and take me seriously at all.

I do love you. We don't hug a lot, because that's not who I am. But I tell you. Maybe I should tell you more. And I am always there for you. It hurts my feelings a lot that you think I'm not.

Maybe you don't know, but I have been crying every night a little bit, too. Thinking about how in one year you will be eighteen and possibly leave home (for college). It's a day I've been dreading since 1994. You will be grown, and I will be replaced with friends, a boyfriend, a new life. You won't need me the way you did.

I don't know what to do. I have never been the mother of a teenage girl before. I don't know what I'm doing, and it probably shows. But I am trying. I'm trying to figure out this new phase of our relationship and how to make it work. It's hard. Some days it sucks.

It reminds me that I am not as young as I feel. I'm not that teenage girl that I see in your eyes. I am the mother now, and I have to figure out how to mother you through the trials that you're dealing with.

I make mistakes. Every.single.day. I wish I was perfect. For you. And for me. But I'm not. I am far, far from perfect. And I will make many more mistakes before I die.

It's a fact of life.

We have to find a way to work through this.

I guess I haven't told you enough.

I love you. I am proud of you. I am lucky to be your mom. And grateful. And honored.

I wish you knew that, but I know that it takes more than words.

I will work on it. I hope you will, too.

I love you more than life. I hope you'll believe it.

The True Meaning of Memorial Day

2011-05-30T06:40:00.003-10:00

image courtesy of morewhat.com

It's more than cookouts and a free day off.

It's a moment to remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice in the name of our country.

We've lost too many Americans to a war-on-terror that I don't fully understand.

On this day, I offer my sincere thanks to those who paid the ultimate price.

As a military spouse, I suppose I think about the reality of a combat death more than the average American.

I hope that ALL Americans take a moment today to remember those who were brave enough to risk their lives for our freedoms.

Fallen servicemembers, you are not forgotten. You live on in the hearts of family and friends, and people (like) me who you never met. People like me who are grateful for your brave service and your commitment to duty.

I remember you this day and give thanks for your life.

Sleep well, fallen servicemembers. Your duty is complete.

"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart"

2011-05-25T04:34:00.003-10:00

Probably my most favorite song lyrics ever come from the song "For Good" from the Broadway musical Wicked:

"So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now, whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

I cry absolutely every.single.time that I hear this song. It speaks to my heart each and every time I hear it.

A little backstory:

In my life, I have been hurt by people I called friends. I have also hurt people that I had once called friends. I don't consider myself a bad person - I follow the law, I try to help others and be kind, I even wave idiots on in front of me in traffic. Those I have hurt, I hurt by accidental temporary insanity, or by my own insecurities and self-confidence issues, not because I ever wanted to hurt the people in my life.

These "hurts" at a relatively young age have caused me a lifetime of trust issues. I trust almost no one with my secrets. I have never told anyone all of my life's story - each friend gets a little bit.

I don't have a true BFF to share, to laugh, to cry, because I am afraid to give that much power to someone else. It has always hurt me to do so in the past.

I'm rambling...These are all things I have said before. Back to the topic...

Because I have been a military spouse for 17 years, it sometimes feels we have lived the lives of gypsies. We barely have time to unpack and figure out where the good restaurants are, and it's time to pack up and go again. With my seemingly insurmountable trust issues, how can I possibly find a BFF in that short amount of time? One I can trust and share with and really embrace?

The answer, for me, is that most of the time I can't. I don't.

However, I had two very rare opportunities in my military-associated life to find the exception to this rule - living in Germany and living in Hawaii.

I was blessed to meet some lovely ladies (and their families) in both places that have definitely left handprints on my heart.

(Well, in Germany I was also burned by two ladies that I really cared about as friends. I haven't really ever forgiven them for that. I probably should write a blog entry for that one, just to finally let it go...)

But, I did find the closest thing to a BFF that I think I have ever had.

And in Hawaii, we found 'Ohana. More than friends - people to share our lives with.

I miss them in an almost unhealthy way. (Thank goodness for Facebook, which allows to maintain a presence in each other's lives.)

Thank you, Glee (my favorite show) for airing my favorite song last night. It was a beautiful tribute to the power of friendship.

I think I cry when I hear that song because for years I have really needed a friend in my life. Not just a Facebook friend.

No offense meant to any of my current friends. You are my friends and I love you. But I know you all have BFFs that are not me. And that's fine. It just makes me long for one of my own.

Any takers?

Working Out

2011-05-24T04:43:00.004-10:00

image courtesy of thegloss.com

So, I have never been much of an athlete. Who am I kidding. I've never been an athlete! The closest I ever got, and this is a stretch, is starting jogging while we lived in Hawaii.

Working out has never been important to me like it should be to everyone. I mean, I have gone through "phases" where I did a workout tape for a few weeks, or had a period of time when the Elliptical machine was a friend instead of an enemy. But I've never been a regular exerciser.

I never put myself first in that way.

As I reach 40 (!), I think I have finally decided that Tiffany deserves 30-45 minutes a day.

Now, they won't be fun minutes. At least, not at first. They will suck.

I hope that after a few weeks I will like it instead of dread it. I hear that that can happen. After all, I really enjoyed jogging in Hawaii. And I was pretty regular at it. I could see that it was making a difference in my physical and mental health, so it made me want to continue.

But here in Northern Viriginia, there are not a lot of places to run near home. And I want the convenience of working out at/near home. At least for now. I still have 3 kids at home and I work full-time, so when I'm not working at my job, I want to be home for them. (Actually, I want to work at home, too, so I can be near them, but that's another post.)

So, the last 2 days I have gotten back on the Elliptical machine in the basement. I realize that it's not the same as running, but it gets my heart rate up, I sweat like a beast, and my legs feel loose when I'm done. Plus, it's a good excuse to watch the Glee episodes on our DVR. And Glee makes those 30-40 minutes go by pretty quick. And, it's a nice mental health workout, too. A way to burn off some stress and be alone. (No one wants to be around me when I'm on that thing, because I turn the TV too loud so it can drown out the elliptical squeaks.)

I want to want to do this everyday, or at least a few days a week. I want to want it to be part of a new lifestyle. I mean, I am still going to eat dessert and probably still drink Diet Coke sometimes, but I want to be a little skinnier. Not a size 2, that's unrealistic. But a couple sizes less than I am now. We eat moderately healthy, but it hasn't been enough for me.

I want to want it so badly. Badly enough that I stick with it.

So, day 3 on the Elliptical today and we'll just go a day at a time. If I can make it a few weeks, I hope to make it forever.

Wish me luck!

Finally...no more rain.

2011-05-23T05:44:00.002-10:00

Well, not today at least. The sun is shining and, even though I am stuck in the office, I don't mind. Well, not much anyway.

This job has turned out better than I expected. The first couple of months were tough. I was getting used to going to an office everyday. I had a "manager" that was weird. I mean, really out there. He said and did some things that were questionable in my mind. (Maybe that's why he isn't the manager any more.) I didn't love it here, and I had promised to give myself 6 months here and move on.

Since the new manager came along in March, things are better. This job is flexible for when the kids need me. It allows me to work at home once a week. (I wish it will become more, but for now one day a week is actually fine.) It is challenging, but I'm not on call and I don't have to work evenings or weekends. I love that I can not see my cell phone for a whole day and that I don't jump when it rings, wondering "what does work want now?" My 4 teammates are smart, dedicated people who also like to have fun and laugh to break up the workday-monotony. It isn't exactly like my days at NiSource, but close.

It isn't my dream job. It doesn't pay me millions. But it has exactly what I prayed for - flexibility, proximity to home, decent hours, and decent pay.

I am constantly astounded at God's willingness to hear my prayers and answer them. He gave me what I needed, while I figure out exactly what it is that I want.

In other news, Prom was this past weekend. Alissa looked lovely. Of course I cried when I saw her. She and Jon laughed at my sentimentality. Oh well. Facebook friends can see her photo on my Facebook page or hers.

This weekend means an extra day off, a trip to the hair salon, The Hangover 2, and my favorite chicken wings! The other 4 Heffners have out-of-town plans, and I can't go (long story), so I have decided to make my own plans here. It will go by before I even have a chance to realize that I'm here alone.

I hope you all have a great week, and a fantastic Memorial Day!

It's almost May, and things are starting to get crazy...

2011-04-29T09:22:00.006-10:00

image courtesy of Google Images

May is always the busiest month for the Heffner clan. Girl Scouts, birthdays, end of school (or almost), Memorial Day, and warm weather! There's always so much going on, but we sort of like it that way. Who wants to sit around and watch their life pass them by?

Well, this May also brings the year that my second child, Alexandra, becomes a teenager. Yikes. I feel like I was just a teenager yesterday. Where have the years gone?

And, Alissa has Junior Prom. Are you serious? Wasn't my Junior Prom just last week?? I don't feel much older than they are. (Thank goodness that age is just a number.)

We're going shopping for the perfect Prom dress this weekend. Just Alissa and me. You'd think I'd be dreading it, that it would be no fun for me. But, I disagree.

It will be a memory that I will keep in my pocket and hold tight, especially when she's away at college and I'm missing her laugh or wishing she was closer.

Say a prayer, friends, that the perfect dress finds my beautiful Alissa. Prom should be a magical evening for a young lady, and we ladies all know that it starts with the dress...

Happy Weekend!

Are you kidding me?

2011-04-21T08:12:00.002-10:00

I received a bill in the mail today for an ER visit I made in JULY 2010. Are you kidding me? It's for $33.19.

Military insurance is strange. Maybe civilian insurance works this way, too, I don't know. When you are away from home and need medical care, you have to call the insurance company for "permission" to be treated and instructions on how to seek treatment in order to avoid being charged for seeking unauthorized treatment. I called the insurance company, got the approvals I needed, and double-confirmed. Since we technically were "in between homes", I even asked about that to make sure I was doing everything I needed to do.

I've been here before. Long story short, a doctor tried to bill me back in 1998 for a $25.00 co-pay that I didn't owe. After a year of calling Tricare, my insurance company, from Germany no less, to straighten it out, my sending a letter to the Rear Admiral of Tricare (at the time) and cc:ing the doctor's office and about 20 other people finally did the trick. All of a sudden the problem was mysteriously resolved and my slate was wiped clean, as it should have always been.

Will it take that again? If it does, I'm ready. These people don't know who they're dealing with. I invented "Bad Cop" and when I am sure that I am right, I will fight until the end of time for myself. It's how I roll.

So I call Tricare today. I start off on the defensive, because I have the evidence that I called back in July and followed all the rules. I say, "I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I don't owe this $33.19. How are you going to help me fix it?" Tricare says the hospital only billed them for xxxx, which clearly explains the $33.19. The rep and I both see it right away. Simple fix.

I see it plain as day. I call the hospital to explain that I don't owe this, and by the way (1) why is this bill NINE MONTHS after the date you treated me, and (2) you are not legally even allowed to bill me. (It's a Tricare thing, apparently.) All you have to do is re-bill my insurance and they will pay. Super easy.

Steve, the jerk at hospital billing says "Why should we re-bill them when we did it right the first time and they didn't pay?" Uhhh, jerk, obviously you didn't because TRICARE WILL PAY if you just re-bill. Idiot. He refuses to re-bill because the insurance will see it as a duplicate and reject it, and I'll still owe that $33.19.

Obviously he has not met me, so he doesn't understand that whether it was a dollar or a freaking million dollars, if I don't technically owe it to you, I will fight you FOR ETERNITY. Seriously, I already fought a similar fight and did not relent for a year. You will lose if you keep messing with me. Actually, you will eventually still lose either way because I don't freaking owe you a dime.

So I call Tricare back to find out what to do next. I don't want to be sent to collections for refusing to pay $33 that I am confident that I don't owe. THey say they are sending a letter to the hospital explaining that if they send an amended bill that Tricare will pay. The rep said she would cc: me on the letter. She says I don't owe, the letter will state that. She says that, yes, it is illegal to bill me, but many people choose not to fight and just pay the doctors to get it overwith. Doctors and hospitals know this, and I'm sure that insurance companies do, too. But most consumers don't.

Again, this lady hasn't met me either so she has no idea that I am in this to win. I explain my previous situation and she says it's no problem, it's not my worry anymore and they will get it worked out.

Of course, I know this means "Call the hospital back and tell them what Tricare has just told me, and make them flag my account so it doesn't go into "past due" mode while these 2 organizations blame each other." I also know it means my part in this fight is not over, despite what she says. I am involved until I see that letter and call the hospital (again) to make sure they re-bill the insurance company.

Don't mess with me when it comes to money. Especially money that I KNOW I don't owe you.

To Be Continued when I receive that ridiculous letter. Stay tuned...

Dang, I've been away from the blog for a long time!

2011-04-14T04:18:00.002-10:00

This job has kept me busy. Working away from home has been an adjustment.

The blog, unfortunately, suffered and became my last priority.

I hope to change that today, because I really miss writing about our life. It's healthy, cathartic, and helps me mentally.

I will be back, friends. Soon. Tonight, I hope.

Just need to find a new name for the blog, though. The Heffners haven't been in Hawaii for almost a year now (which is insane. Where has the last year gone?!?!?!)

Talk to you all soon.

What to write?

2010-12-14T05:24:00.007-10:00

I've written several posts over the last 2 weeks, but they never made it to the posting stage. When I re-read them, they felt like I was just going through the motions. The posts weren't all there, they were fragments of many thoughts running through my head at any given moment.

Since my last post, I heard back about the job I was offered back in September. The paperwork finally went through. I'll be starting on January 3.

This is great news, although I find myself feeling a little nervous about it all.

I've been working at home for the last 6 years now, until the layoff in May. I was interacting with my teammates and colleagues only via telephone or chat. Working in shorts, or sometimes even my pajamas. Being here when the kids got on the bus, and when they got home.

Everyday.

I was lucky to have that opportunity. I know that, and I tried to appreciate it every day.

Now, I'll start work an hour before Abby goes to school (so she'll attend a before-school program), and get home about 30 minutes after her sisters meet her at the bus stop.

Abby is OK with this. She's excited to see some of her classmates before school, and she doesn't seem nervous at all. She's a brave, independent kid who goes with the flow.

Me, well, I'm another story.

I know she'll be fine. Totally fine. And I will be, too. But, being the worrier that I am, I think about it.

However, I was reminded by an old friend that I should spend more time being thankful and less time sweating about the small stuff.

He's right. And I am tremendously thankful. This is a great opportunity, it's a good-paying job, and it seems like it will be a good fit for my entire family (flexible, good work/life balance, etc.)

That's exactly what I prayed for. So it isn't a work-from-home job. I guess God thinks I don't need to work at home right now. And if that's what He thinks, then that's how it needs to be.

Maybe working in an office is exactly what I need - to get my creative juices flowing again, to get me out of the house more and interacting with other people besides the kids, to change Tiffany up a little bit.

I'm a little nervous, but I'm ready.

Here's to a new beginning - and the hopes that this new job will start 2011 off with a BANG!

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

*image courtesy of www.careerealism.com

Feeling Lost

2010-12-01T04:11:00.002-10:00

I am seeing all the comments online about the Extended Unemployment Benefits running out. Everyone has an opinion about those who are currently jobless, and this is mine, as it relates to me.

I do not want to sit around anymore, waiting for my job paperwork to complete. Seriously, what is taking so long? The company says it's normal and that they still are excited to have me join the team. But it's been 5 weeks since I turned that paperwork in. Come on.

I don't like not having a job. The house is quiet, and there's only so much laundry you can do. I want to work, and feel like I am contributing - to the family, to my place of work, to society.

I am still mad at *** for letting me, and all of my teammates, go 6 months ago. I worked hard for that *%$&*( company, I gave more than 100% and ALL my performance reviews were stellar. Why was I rewarded with a layoff notice? I know, everyone tells me - with this company it isn't personal, it's the almighty dollar. So why can't I let it go?

I am constantly struggling with my faith. I am a Christian, who tries every day to do the right thing. I try my best every day. I have a relationship with my God, and I feel I can go to Him with my troubles. But for almost 2 years now I have been praying about this - about losing my job (back when it was still a rumor) and finding a new one that was right for me.

Two years. And I am still jobless. (I know, I am not the only one. There are millions.)

So, I struggle with why? Why doesn't anyone want to hire me, or at least talk to me about hiring me? Why did *** let me go? Why is this prayer that I so desperately need answered being shelved?

I know, patience. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. My head knows it and my heart knows it, too.

It doesn't keep me from hating the situation I'm in, and wondering what else I can do to get my foot in the door somewhere.

I have applied for at least a hundred jobs since we moved here. I think I've had 4 interviews.

I am frustrated. I am crazy with emotion. Mostly, I feel lost. I have never, in 17 years, had to struggle to find a job. Never. This is new territory and I am not handling it well.

I guess that the upside is that, despite my feelings about the job situation or lack thereof, life otherwise is pretty great.

Now if I could just start working already. "Right Job for Tiffany", can you PLEASE hurry up and find me? PLEASE?

Happy Wednesday all.

Alissa got her learner's permit yesterday...

2010-11-19T09:38:00.003-10:00

Yesterday I took Alissa to get her learner's permit. She's been talking about it for months, but because of the timing of the move, she couldn't get it when she was 15 1/2.

We've been trying to go for a couple of weeks now, but things keep getting in the way and the place is only open until 5 pm. Plus, the DMV that's practically around the corner is closed indefinitely. So, yesterday we drive to the next-nearest DMV, which is about 7 miles away. However, because traffic is perpetually bad here, it took us about 20 minutes to get there. We still had plenty of time before closing.

We get there, talk to the receptionist and receive a number and wait for that number to be called.

***By the way, is this a new process? Talk to someone and tell them why you're there before you can actually receive assistance? The pharmacy, the deli at the commissary, the vehicle registration place on post all do this now. If this is the new process, at least make sure the person on "Explanation Duty" is cordial. There's nothing like having to explain your case to a grouch.

Anway, we wait patiently for our turn to be called. When we're called, we present our folder of paperwork verifying that Alissa is who she says she is.

HALT!

They don't accept our lease agreement as proof of residency because there is a line crossed out, neatly, and corrected underneath. (It is our owner's new address, which honestly shouldn't count because it has nothing to do with the Heffners.) Anway, they say they can't accept it as proof, so we spend 35 minutes driving home to get a utility bill with my name on it. Because, as Alissa's guardian and partner in this expedition, I also have to prove that I am who I say I am, and that we are allowed to petition for a Virginia license.

We rush back to the DMV, and catch a little traffic (again). Blech. We explain our situation to the new "Explanation Duty" clerk (they must take turns or something) and receive a new number.

We're called fairly quickly, by a new person who takes our new paperwork and enters it into the computer. Five minutes later Alissa is called to the Test Center (a cubicle at the end of the room) where she stands at a computer to take the test. (I can see her standing because they have a mirror on the ceiling so they can make sure the students aren't cheating.) However, I don't understand the no-sitting policy. Weird.

Anyway, 10 minutes later she emerges, and talks to the test attendant to let him know she's done. She turns to me and motions "come here". I know then that she's passed and my eyes start to tear up.

My firstborn is legally allowed to drive. On the road (with a licensed driver).

Every milestone she reaches is also a milestone for me. She's my first child, so every thing she does for the first time I also do. (OK, not everything. But most important "firsts" I am also present for.)

It's bittersweet.

She's a responsible kid. Caring, compassionate, gets decent grades and tries her best. I know she'll be a great driver.

And, as a funny aside, her best friend in the world got her Virginia license yesterday. And, to top it off, Alissa will be eligible to become a licensed driver in 9 months, on August 18. August 18 is that best friend's birthday.

It's a sign. (To me, anyway.) Yesterday was supposed to be the day she got her permit.

And she did.

CONGRATULATIONS, ALISSA!

Shopping for Thanksgiving

2010-11-18T09:37:00.003-10:00

Went shopping for stuff for Thanksgiving (and general food for the house)...

Notes of importance:

* For the first time today, ever, I think, I needed two grocery carts in the commissary. TWO! Well, they were small carts. not regular size, I think, and I did get two of just about everything that I put in the cart. Total price, just over $200. For TWO full carts! SCORE!!

* the commissary was INSANE today. Everyone was there. But, I didn't seen anyone in their pajamas and everyone I was in contact with brought their manners with them. Guess people have been reading my lowly blog! :-) Either that, or people are getting into the holiday spirit a little early.

* they had every item on my list. If you've ever been to any commissary, you know that this is a true achievement - to leave the commissary with everything on your list. Truthfully, I'm not sure I've ever done it before.

* I am super excited about cooking for Thanksgiving. I haven't cooked a turkey in like 8 years. It will be nice to have Thanksgiving dinner at home, and Jon's mom and stepdad are coming. Not that I don't love being a guest at someone else's house. And the last 2 years we spent with our 'Ohana, which were blasts. We'll have a fire, and fill our bellies and then just relax. It will be a great day.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Christmas Cards - What are your plans this year?

2010-11-15T10:43:00.004-10:00

Yes, it's that time of year - I am thinking about Christmas Cards.

I love choosing what I feel is the "right" card for us each year. This year, I am thinking of personalized cards from Shutterfly. I have ALWAYS wanted to do the cute cards with the kids and personalize them, but I've just never done it. I think this year might be the year. After all, Alissa is getting older and the kids can all sit for a photo session without too much drama or crying, even if it's an impromptu photo session by Mom. Shutterfly doesn't care where your picture came from...

I'm really thinking that I like this card:

Granted, I don't have a baby, but I like the "Believe" in the corner. I guess this card just spoke to me. They have many designs to choose from, and maybe I'll change my mind once I find a picture that will actually be suitable to use for cards... (Check Shutterfly's selection and see which ones you like: http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery)

You might even be able to get some cards free: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

I always love receiving cards. But, lately, we've been receiving less and less every year. I guess not everyone shares the giddiness that I feel when I see a card-sized envelope in the mail. Maybe it's because we are so stinking far away from those we love. The cards sometimes feel like a lifeline, like a piece of our loved one is actually there with us.

(Hint hint, if you send the Heffners a card, you are guaranteed to receive a card in return.)

So, I'm off to see if my phone has any great pictures on it. If not, I guess I'll have to get the kids to sit still long enough for a quick photo...

Happy Wednesday!

Thankful - Nov. 10

2010-11-10T10:48:00.002-10:00

Today I am thankful that:

* people were less rude and obnoxious in the commissary than usual, and they weren't out of anything that I needed;

* there were no bills in today's mail. I hate getting bills. Actually, I don't really love the mail because it's almost always junk that gets shredded and/or thrown away;

* the person I interviewed with a couple of weeks ago emailed me and asked if she could pass my resume on to a contracting agency that she thinks will want me. A new friend that I met at this past weekend's neighborhood party also emailed me and asked for my resume;

* I had a good laugh this afternoon with my 2 teenagers over a Facebook questionnaire I subjected them to in 2008. It was fun to re-read their responses and we had a good talk about how they've changed in just 2 short years.

Jon doesn't have to work tomorrow and Friday so we're going to have lunch with Abby tomorrow and spend some QT together on Friday before our weekend visitors arrive.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Thanks - November 9

2010-11-09T05:58:00.003-10:00

I missed a couple of days because I tried to stay off the computer all weekend.

Today my thanks are frivolous but:

I am thankful that Glee and Sons of Anarchy are on TV and both are new episodes. My two favorite shows, and probably the only 2 I really watch (besides the Disney Channel), are on the same night.

I am also thankful that Alissa and I will be attending a meeting tonight for prospective new VA drivers. Most kids, including me, get their permit the day they turn 15 1/2 and their license right around their 16th birthday. Since she turned 16 inbetween moves, she doesn't have a learner permit.

Yet.

Tonight we're going to get the information we need to change that. More details to come.

(Plus, the rules are a little different here in Virginia and since this is my first almost-driving child, I want to make sure I understand all the rules...)

Happy Tuesday!

Giving Thanks - Nov. 4

2010-11-04T13:24:00.002-10:00

I am thankful that I have taught my oldest daughter at least one thing that I didn't know at her age:

that it's ok to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, and you will be ok even if the love affair with the person that you are "in love with" right now is over.

She's going through a teenage breakup (and there's a little ugly backstory) and handling it all like a pro.

When I was a teenager and went through a breakup (and there was more than one), I handled it badly. Crying, thinking low of myself, not eating for days.

She's a champ. I am so proud that she has a moral compass and a sense of right and wrong. And she has confidence in herself and knows that a boy doesn't define her.

And I am thankful that she is the person she is, and that I get to share her life's journey with her.

I am thankful for...

2010-11-03T04:49:00.004-10:00

image courtesy of www.squawkfox.com

I think that many of us, myself included, forget to be thankful for...well, everything.

I forget sometimes that even the things that seem smallest are things that we should be most thankful for.

In the month of Giving Thanks, I was inspired by a friend's blog to try to give thanks out loud everyday.

So, today I am thankful for:

* my children. They are sweet, compassionate, fun people who I am grateful to have in my life. They are all healthy and getting decent grades, and they have a moral code and a sense of right and wrong.

* my husband. He doesn't cook or clean as much as I'd like, but he loves me, and supports me, and lifts me up. He is always the optimist to my pessimist, and the voice of calm reason. (And usually he's right - it's not the end of the world after all!)

* my family. We are closer now than we've been in years. All 6 of us. It warms my heart. I am so grateful to be 39 and have parents who are both there, on a moment's notice. Who still love me unconditionally. I'm grateful for my extended family - joined to me by marriage 17 years ago. As I grow older, I appreciate more and more that family is everything. And a quick shout-out: I have the best mother-in-law in the entire world.

* my friends. I have never had a ton of friends, because I am afraid to trust. Someone I trusted and really considered a true friend hurt me DEEPLY, and I have never gotten past it. However, in the last couple of years I have reconnected with high school friends and friends that I haven't seen in a while. I get a lot of support, uplifting, and nice comments from them. I appreciate you all! (And thanks, Facebook, for allowing me to talk to people I haven't seen in a million years!)

* life. Being alive. I am grateful for the journey I am on. No matter the trouble that comes along, there is always sunshine on the horizon. Remembering that is 90% of the battle.

* all the little stuff. A fireplace to warm the chilly Heffner clan. A blog that allows me to "vent". A dishwasher that works. A doctor that finally listens to my concerns and sent my kid to a specialist instead of saying "that's normal..."

* A comment on Facebook that made my day, by a person who will probably never know how she inspires me! She will never know how happy I was that she friended me on Facebook, because I am embarrassed to tell her. But her comments make me feel accepted and happy, and like we're really friends. It means a lot.

There are so many things to name. I'll save some for tomorrow...

But, on a final note, let me reiterate my thankfulness for friends and family. You really mean everything to me. Besides you, everything else in life is just a bonus.

Happy Wednesday!

Commissary Etiquette

2010-11-02T06:24:00.005-10:00

I don't know how many military-related folks read this blog. Probably not many.

Before I begin, let me in advance say that this post is not meant to offend any one particular person. My thoughts on this subject are mine alone.

That being said, here goes:

Shopping at the commissary has become a nightmare. Truly. Maybe I am just getting curmudgeonly in my still-pretty-young age and have no patience anymore, but I am flabbergasted at the etiquette in the commissary.

Not just the one that I live near, but the etiquette in most of the commissaries in Hawaii sucks, too. (Hickam AFB Commissary in Hawaii is awesome. Probably the best commissary I've ever been to. Fort Campbell was a great commissary back when we lived there, and the others before that, I can't really remember...)

For those of you not familiar, the commissary is the grocery store on or near a military post. They can offer groceries at lower - sometimes MUCH lower - prices, but you must have a military ID card to shop there.

I don't understand why patrons at the commissary are so rude. They routinely:

* cut in front of you, with or without their cart, without regard to the fact that I might not be able to see them around a corner and accidentally hit them;

* leave their cart, often with a very small child or 2, half an aisle away while they walk to get something they need (that is usually in the direction that their cart is already going.) Where is the sense in that? I would NEVER leave my cart with a child in it. NEVER. I can honestly say that I never leave my cart when there is no child in it.

* stand in the middle of the aisle, looking at coupons, checking their phone, redoing their list, or whatever else they happen to be doing. The commissary is almost always crowded. There are clear "rest areas" in every single commissary that I have ever been in. Even the small ones have places you can stop your cart, out of the way of other shoppers, so that you can tend to other business. They have benches, side areas, and empty spots in every commissary that I have ever been in. In fact, the commissary I go to now is fairly large and there are benches all over the place!

* look at you with the stinkeye for no apparent reason. I am always using my big-girl manners, saying Thank You and Excuse Me and Please in the commissary. It's how I was brought up - "Do Unto Others". I don't understand why people come to the commissary so cranky. I've been to plenty of civilian grocery stores in the past 17 years, and those shoppers are not nearly as cranky.

Oh, and can you please at least change out of your pajamas before going to the store? I don't care if you are tired and have 17 kids under the age of 5 and your husband is deployed and you're 5,000 miles away from family. I've been there, too - all of the above (except the 17 kids part, but sometimes 3 kids can feel like 17).

Have some respect for yourself and at least get dressed for the day. Maybe it will make you less cranky.

One last thing - this rudeness I've only noticed in the commissary patrons. The employees in the commissaries are some of the nicest people I've ever met. Definitely some of the most helpful. And, not every single commissary patron is terrible. But many are.

There, I've said it. If I offended you, it was not my intent. But maybe the next time I go to the commissary, one person will be a little nicer. That's all I'm asking for.

Happy Tuesday!

Rejection...

2010-10-29T04:43:00.002-10:00

So, many of you know, I have a job offer from a few weeks ago which I accepted. Right now they're checking my background and making sure I am who I say I am, that there are no skeletons in my closet, etc.... The job offer is conditional on me passing (which I don't foresee as a problem...)

However, I can't officially start working until that's complete. So, last week I was offered an interview at another place that I won't name, just because. I thought, "I'm not officially employed yet. What the heck, why not?"

I went to the interview. I really thought I killed it. You know where this is going by now, but wait for it...

I came away from the interview feeling confident. I could have seen myself at that place. I could have fit in and done a h*ll of a job.

Today I received the dreaded rejection email. The sender was nice, she said I was an "...exceptionally strong candidate..." and that she "...strongly encourage[s] me to continue to apply for similar positions [at this employer] as they become available...". She asked permission to send my resume to other people at this employer, so that I "...would be on their radar screens...".

That all sounds good, and flattering, and encouraging, but all I saw was "I regret to inform you...".

Why?

I guess I don't understand. How I got a different perception of the interview than they did. After the Q&A, I was asked to submit a writing sample, which I also feel that I killed. On the way from room to room, the gentleman escorting me said, "Whichever way this turns out, it was such a pleasure to get to know you today. You seem like a really cool person."

At the time, I was flattered. Perhaps I should have actually taken that as a sign of what was to come.

It all sounds selfish, I know. Being disappointed and feeling sorry for myself. I know times are tough and lots of people are looking for work. It has just always come to easily to me in the past, I suppose I took that for granted. I don't mean to be selfish. I really just want one job. One actual job, that I can actually go to and do a good job.

I don't even know if not getting the job was what bothered me, because I'm not sure it was my "Dream job". (In the interview, the job description was a little different than the one I actually applied for...)

I think what kills me is the rejection itself. Don't people know that I am a hard-working person, who will give my all? Why don't they see it? I thought I sold myself well, and sincerely.

It hurts. It sucks. And I cried about it this morning.

I hate rejection. I want some acceptance, not rejection.

And, to top it off, I've decided that being laid off from IBM this past summer is what has really driven my self-esteem down. I did a h*ll of a job for them for 5 years. I gave them a BIG chunk of my life. And they laid me off for it.

Meanwhile, there are still a couple friends of mine there. Still working from home and still doing the job that I was doing. Another huge blow - why wasn't I good enough?? I don't understand.

Then I remember all the things I've been taught:

1. technically I was offered a job and accepted (at the first place), I'm just impatient that the background stuff isn't done yet;

2. when one door closes, another opens. There IS a reason that the IBM door closed, even if I never find out what that reason is;

3. things happen for a reason. There is a reason that God doesn't think that job was the best for me;

4. that, with faith, good things happen.

It hurts less, but still hurts. So, I'm a little sad today. A little discouraged.

By dinnertime, though, Alissa's not-yet-started Halloween costume will be made (by me), I will have cooked a great dinner for my family, and I will have spent a great 90 minutes dancing with 2nd and 3rd grade Girl Scouts, laughing and forgetting about this one setback.

I will be refreshed and renewed. I will find my determination and perseverance, and I will get back in the ring.

For now, though, just for a few minutes, I want to be sad. I want to be angry at IBM for letting me go. I want to feel the emotions that I have pushed down for 5 months. That I am angry and discouraged and worried that no job will ever want me.

Then I will brush myself off and continue with life.

Happy Halloween everyone. The weekend can only get better from here, right?

Remembering a Fallen Hero...

2010-10-27T07:17:00.004-10:00

image courtesy of www.westernherald.com

A year ago today, a friend of mine got the visit that no military spouse ever, ever wants to have.

It's the first (and so far, only) close friend the Heffners have known to lose their life in a war that I don't really understand.

I remember everything about that day, like when someone asks you what you were doing when 9/11 took place, or when Katrina hit.

I haven't seen this friend in a long time - we have lived in different cities since 2005. I haven't been able to hug her, to physically be there. But I think about their family all the time. I don't know what it's like to lose the person that you love most in the world. And I wish she didn't either.

To my friend: I know that hundreds of people are telling you this, but I am here. A phone call away. A shoulder, a comforting ear, a friend. Someone that has prayed for you and will always be there. Always. We will probably never live in the same town again, but we'll never be far.

To her fallen soldier: Thank you for your selfless service. You paid the ultimate price so that America could continue to live life the way they are acccustomed. You gave your life fighting in a conflict that many of us are baffled by, and some of us have probably even stopped paying attention to (as sad as that is).

You are missed by many, admired by even more. And a grateful nation remembers you, grieves for you, and mourns that your life was cut short.

Rain, rain, go away

2010-10-20T08:17:00.002-10:00

Blech. Rain again.

I liked the rain the first 10 times it rained here. I welcomed it.

Our love affair is over. Rain, we've had enough for a while. Can you please take a break?

At least the temperature is decent. The weather guy says it's mid-60's but I have on shorts and flip-flops, and I was OK outside for the stuff that I needed to do outside.

Abby's home sick - well, getting over a fever and the doctor told me to keep her home today just to be sure. She's watching Wonder Pets and playing with her army of Littlest Pet Shops. I think she counted 106 of them. I'm cleaning the house (again) and wondering if this job I was offered will ever become real. The paperwork just to get started is taking an awfully long time, and today the person that I need assistance from is away. (I asked around, and was told to wait for her return tomorrow.)

I was really excited about this job and hope that it becomes real very soon. I'm sorta over the stay-at-home-and-do-stuff-around-the-house-for-7-hours-everyday thing.

Well, back to cleaning...Happy Wednesday (again)!

Life is much different in Virginia - in unexpected ways...

2010-10-19T14:21:00.004-10:00

In many ways, Virginia is so different from Hawaii. The Heffners are having to learn all over again about the 4 seasons, and having to rake leaves and wear jackets, and what it feels like to have a cough and a sniffle.

Virginia has changing leaves, and rain. We've had more rain in the last 2 weeks than we had in 3 years living in Hawaii. It has freeways, actual freeways, and back roads for when the freeways are too busy or cluttered with accidents.

The pools are closed, and the nearest beach is probably 3 hours away.

We have nice neighbors, the ones we've met at least, but there is no 'ohana. No one stopping by just to say hello or drop off brownies or show us their new baby's smile.

We're getting used to all of it, all the changes that I don't think we were prepared for (even though we all talked about it, and we all knew were coming.)

But in many ways, living here is better. We get to spend a LOT more time with Jon, which is nice and unusual at the same time. It's great to have him here for dinner every night, and to be able to hopefully carpool with him if my job ever finishes the paperwork needed for me to start.

It's nice to see Alissa with a boy who cares about her, who thinks she hung the moon. A boy with goals for the future, and who has a moral code and a work ethic and a polite demeanor.

It's great to have a finished basement for the kids to retire to - where the toy mess can stay out of sight, and the elliptical machine can squeak without me waking or bothering the kids.

But every day I spend at least a minute missing Hawaii and being grateful for the time we had there. I watch Hawaii-5-0 every week just to see glimpses of the place we so recently called home. We talk about Hawaii all the time - I think to preserve the memories of a place that gave us such a wonderful 30 months.

Overall, Virginia is growing on me. I am very slowly learning which roads go where and the best way to get from Point A to Point B. The kids are settling into their school routines and after-school activities, and we're planning for the upcoming holiday season - my favorite time of year.

I hope to be starting a new job in just a couple of weeks, God willing. I was offered a job but can't start until the background-check process is complete and successful. Of course, there's no reason for me not to pass a background-check, but it still makes me nervous. Yeah, that's what I do best. Worry.

In the meantime, I'm trying to tie up loose ends and get everything done around here that needs attention - dentist appointments, car service, eye appointments, paperwork that I won't have time to do during the day once my job begins.

I secretly like being at home, and having that as my main job. But, part of me also hates it. Hates being alone with nothing to do except house-related stuff. There's only so much laundry you can fold, only so many dishes to wash.

Again, as I mentioned in a post before, this is not to say that SAHM's don't have tough and rewarding jobs in themselves. But, for me, working outside the home is something I like and am very proud of. My kids are older, even Abby at 7 doesn't really need me here during the day, since she's at school all day herself. So why not work outside the home, and use that money to pay for my kids to go to college (or whatever else we decide)?

But the background process has been longer than I originally expected. So I have more time at home than we originally expected.

I pray that the background check is uneventful and that I hear soon that I can get started at work. I am really excited about this position and the possibilities it holds for me over the next couple of years. I really want to get started.

On a totally unrelated note, Glee (my favorite show in the world) is a rerun tonight, so I think I'll try to hit the hay early. 5:20 comes awfully early every morning.

Goodnight all! Happy Wednesday!

Sisters

2010-09-30T15:34:00.003-10:00

image from www.3sisters.com

Seems like, for the last couple of years, my 3 daughters have just been pushing each other's buttons on purpose. They seem to purposefully find things to do or say to irritate one of the other girls.

I know that a lot of it has to do with their ages. They are currently 16, 12 and 7. I know that Abby gets on their nerves, because she isn't as mature as they are, or into the same things that they are. It's a fact of life, they are all at different stages and that in itself makes liking each other difficult.

But I wish I knew what to do to help them want to get along better.

Having lived in a different town from my 3 sisters for the last 20 years (if you count college), I know what it's like to miss your sisters and wish you could be near them whenever you want. Even for 5 minutes.

I wish I could help them understand how important it is to treat your sisters like they are your best friends. One day they may live in different towns, states, even countries. It can be really hard. Especially when something happens in your life or theirs, and you can't share it together.

Tonight Alex, Jon and I went out for various reasons. Alissa and Abby stayed home. Apparently there was some sort of disagreement between the 2 of them, which resulted in Abby throwing things and Alissa calling her "evil".

Let's just say that within 2 minutes of me arriving home, Abby had been verbally reprimanded and she and I were both crying. She was crying because she's 7 and didn't think she was at fault. I cried because I just don't understand why they can't all get along.

When I start this new job in the next couple of weeks, I will be leaving Abby in the care of Alissa and Alex for an hour a day. If they can't get along, what will I do? I can't be at work worrying about them every single day. And I don't want Alissa calling me every 5 minutes telling me how "evil" Abby has been.

Abby is still upstairs crying, because her TV time before bed was taken away. She's been crying for over an hour, although it has let up quite a bit in the last 10 minutes. Maybe she's surrendering to being tired and finally relaxing into sleep.

So, hopefully one of my very small group of followers will read this and have some words of wisdom to share.

And to my sisters, I wish I had treasured you more when we were younger and annoyed each other. I wish I had known that I'd spend my adult life away from you, so I could have treasured the time we had. Please know that, no matter where I live, I will always love the 3 of you very, very much. If I could change one thing about my life, it would be that we were closer in proximity so that we could hang out more.

Laurie, Shari and Mandy - I love you!

Alissa turns 16 today

2010-09-29T01:54:00.003-10:00

photo from http://www.icestandard.org/products/view/4543/sweet-16-key-rings.html

My oldest, Alissa, turns 16 today. A milestone birthday.

I've written her birthday letters before, but this one will be a little different. Instead of remembering her birth, which I've done on the blog already, I would like to write a bit about my hopes for her.

Every parent wants their kid to be happy and successful. They want their kids to have a better life than they did (even if their life is pretty great already). I am no different. I want Alissa to have the best of everything. I want her to know that the world's her oyster. She can literally do ANYTHING she wants. She's smart, she's outgoing, she's confident, and she's overall just a great kid.

Alissa's had it rougher than my other 2 kids. She's moved the most. She's been to 8 different schools. She's been the new kid at school, at daycare, in the neighborhood, more times than is really fair. (The other kids don't remember or haven't moved as much obviously.) She is the oldest, which means we hold her to a higher standard, whether we mean to or not. She is automatically the example for her sisters. She is automatically the one we look to first.

It's not always fair. In fact, sometimes it downright sucks, being the oldest. (Sorry, Mom. No offense meant.) Alissa handles it in stride. Sure, she has her moments when she disagrees, or talks back. Doesn't every teenager? Or every kid, for that matter?

But if that's the worst thing we've had to worry about with her thus far (and it is), I'd say we're pretty darn lucky. And grateful.

She's a great kid. I'm lucky to be her mom. When I hear her laugh, I am forced to laugh along, whether I actually think whatever she said was funny. (It usually is.) When I look at her, I can't believe how beautiful she is. How grown up. How mature and strong. She has beliefs. She has a moral code. She has a sense of right and wrong.

I am so proud of her.

I love you, Alissa. I know you're at an age where it's not always cool to say that out loud. But I want you to know I love you. I am so blessed to know you and to get to share the events of your life with you. As you turn 16 today, and prepare for all the things this year will bring - driver's license, Junior Prom, AP classes - always know that I am there for you, with you.

You are never alone. Ever.

I hope that you have 90 more birthdays after this one. But I hope this one creates a memory that you can keep forever. I hope you can remember turning 16 as a great day.

All my love to you this day - and everyday - my beautiful Alissa.

The last of our belongings arrived today...

2010-09-23T10:30:00.003-10:00

So, we got the last of our stuff today. The things that we put into storage in Tennessee almost 3 years ago, as we prepared to move from Tennessee to Hawaii. It was mostly stuff that we knew we wouldn't use - an heirloom wooden high chair, keepsakes belonging to each of the 3 kids, yard work accessories, Jon's and my winter clothes, and the car top carrier for the van.

Most of these items made sense to place into storage. We wouldn't need cold-weather clothes, and Abby had outgrown the high chair already. We'd heard the yards were postage-stamp size, and where would we drive to in Hawaii that we'd possibly need a car top carrier?

I smiled as I saw these things returned to us. As my childhood rocking chair came into the house, I teared up, visually remembering Alissa sitting in it at Ft. Knox, rocking her babies to sleep (when she was little more than a baby herself.)

I was thrilled to see my winter clothes and realize that half of them are a size too big. (Man, jogging actually pays off when you stick with it!) My high school varsity jacket even almost closes. Almost.

There wasn't a lot to go through, less than 30 different boxes or items to be unwrapped. As I sorted through each one briefly, I remembered that I haven't seen this stuff since 3 houses ago. (Yes, 3, if you count the 2 we lived in in Hawaii.) That makes it seem like forever ago.

All the items were labeled specifically. I remember walking around behind the movers, writing on the Rubbermaid totes, cardboard boxes, and paper wrapping. I wanted to make sure I remembered this stuff when we next saw it.

But there was one Rubbermaid tote that was curiously not labeled. I knew it was ours, but I couldn't figure out why it wasn't labeled. As I sorted through these things, I pushed aside that tote for last.

After everything else was opened, inspected, cried on (in some cases), embraced, and smelled (these things definitely smell like they've been in storage for a while), I opened the last tote.

I was hoping for a final surprise, and boy did I get one. This tote was full of...

Wait for it...

Tupperware! (and fake-Tupperware, like Gladware, etc...)

I giggled as I wondered aloud what I must have been thinking when I packed this box and marked it for storage. Why did I think it was stuff worth saving, but not worth taking with us to Hawaii?

It's nothing special, just cups and bowls and water bottles. They aren't fancy or expensive or rare. And I didn't even miss most of that stuff (we had a SpongeBob water bottle in Tennessee? Really? I don't remember it.)

Anyway, I got a chuckle out of it and thought I'd share. Guess I've gotten a little boring since I became unemployed, if Tupperware makes me giggle...

Happy Thursday all!

Unemployment sucks

2010-09-13T05:24:00.005-10:00

Just random thoughts as I sit here in the house, all alone, while the kids and Jon are out being productive.

I hate being unemployed. I hate it.

Some women want to stay at home all day. That isn't me.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to start the SAHM vs. working-mom debate. I'm just saying that, for me, working is what makes me happy.

The house is nearly unpacked and just about everything is in its intended home. Jon is getting familiar with work and the girls have successfully completed a full week of school.

Things are back to "normal" at Casa Heffner. So now it's time for Mom to go to work.

The only problem is, so far there is no job waiting for me. I mean, I have contacted contracting agencies, and they are looking. But the right job has not come along yet.

It's frustrating.

When I found out 18 months ago that my job was short-lived, I started praying. I prayed that I could stay employed until we moved. (That happened, thank goodness.) Then I started to pray that a new job would find me, one that was the right fit and had some flexibility (so that I could be there for the kids when they need me.) I'm still praying, every day. But so far no job.

And it's tough. I mean, I haven't had to interview in over 9 years. The climate has changed. And, I have experience in lots of different areas of IT - not just one area. That used to be a good thing, but now I worry that it's working against me.

And I'm not sure what to do next. I just posted my resume online (again). I am attending a job fair on the 22nd. And I call/email the contractor every day, just to check in.

I know I'm not the only one facing this. I pray for everyone in my position to find a good new job.

A letter to Krysti on the eve of her 18th birthday...

2010-09-10T02:59:00.005-10:00

Happy Birthday Krysti!

I remember the first day we met. Your mom and dad came to Ohio University to help Uncle Jon move his stuff back home at the end of the school year. I think you were about 8 or 9 months old at that time. (We'd have to ask your mom for sure.) They had a pop-up camper and we camped out. They were so gracious to let me stay with you all, since we weren't yet related, and they didn't really know me.

But I knew you. Or at least I felt like I did. On the day I met your Uncle Jon, we had to walk from one end of campus to another to get to the computer lab we were going to be using. He and I had been grouped into a team (with two other boys - which is another story for another day...). As we walked, we talked and talked. I think we both knew very quickly that we'd each met someone special.

And all that way, he talked about his new niece, Christine. All about you, how special you were, your lovely blond hair and how smart you were. Later that week he even showed me pictures of him holding you in the hospital.

You may know this, but you are part of the reason I fell in love with Uncle Jon so easily. He had (and still has) SUCH a love for his family. And the way he spoke about you, it warmed my heart so deeply.

So meeting you was a big deal to me. To me, it sort of meant that I was worthy. That I was meeting his family so soon in our courtship felt like I was an important part of his life. Meeting his sister, who he respects so much, and you - the tiny person who had part of his heart.

You are such a beautiful young woman. You are kind, respectful, smart, confident and warm. You have a smile that lights the room. And you are so funny! (I mean that in a nice way...) You have the whole world ahead of you, and I am certain that you will continue to shine.

I am proud to be your aunt. Alissa, Alex and Abby adore you, and we are so happy every time we know we're going to get to spend some time with you.

I hope that your 18th birthday is wonderful, and that it holds a memory that you can keep close to your heart forever. Remember that, though we may never live in the same city, you are never more than a phone call away. And now that we're back on the Mainland, I hope we'll get to spend more time with you and your family.

As you bridge from teenager to adult, always know that the Heffners are in your corner. We love you and feel blessed that we're in the same family.

Have an amazing day tomorrow and know that our heart is there with you.

Love you!

Aunt Tiffany, Uncle Jon, Alissa, Alex and Abby

First day of school in Virginia...

2010-09-07T04:58:00.002-10:00

Wow, today started early. For me, I guess yesterday never really ended. At my bedtime (starting around 10 pm), I laid down and tried to settle down. My mind kept processing everything - life, job - or lack of, messy house, difficult teenagers, mood swings, lack of parking on our street, the end of summer, and finally - the first day of school. I finally fell asleep around 1:30, only to hear the alarm sound at 5:15. (Yes, we really have to get up that early. The two oldest leave for the bus stop at 6:20.)

For the Heffner kids, every couple of years means being the "new kid" at school. My girls are champs. They handle the first day like a pro. Talk to people right away, make friends before they're even on the bus. They know exactly how to fit themselves into their new lives.

I shouldn't worry. But I do.

I think it's mostly guilt. I can relate to most of the things that my girls are going through or will go through - teenager-hood, menstruation, boyfriends (or lack thereof), high school, driver's ed, being the oldest, having sisters, sharing, and thinking they know everything.

But I lived in the same town my whole childhood. The same house, with the same friends and the same routine for many, many years. I don't know what it's like to be the "new kid". Well, not as a kid, at least. (I have too much experience being the "new grown-up" on the block.)

I hate that my high-schooler has me check her forms to make sure the address and phone number are correct, because we've moved so many times that she can't keep the new address straight.

I hate that my second-grader didn't know anyone on the bus today so I don't know whether or not she sat alone. (She probably didn't, but my worried-mom-brain fears that she did.)

I hate that my middle-schooler is afraid that she won't find her locker and when she finally does, she won't have time to open it or won't know how to get to her next class. (We went to "locker night", but her locker and hundreds of others weren't programmed yet so it was a colossal waste of time.)

Is there anything I can do to protect them from these things? Not really, I suppose. I did everything I could have - talked to them, asked them about their fears, put "love notes" in their backpacks, and hugged them all as they prepared to board their respective buses this morning.

I cried as I watched Abby board the bus. Her first bus ride to school, ever. (Hawaii buses cost extra and I would never have sent her on it. Long story...) She was a trooper. Not scared a bit. But I felt sad that she didn't have a sister or a pal to share this experience with. (Alissa and Alex ride the same bus, to the same school, so at least they have each other...)

I guess I just hate that they have this extra worry, on top of it being the first day of school. It's not fair. But, it's the life we chose. The life we were given - the life that God is confident that we can handle. This Army life. It's been very good to us, but there are tough days, like today, when I wish that Grandma or Auntie lived down the street and that we had more than one name that we could list on our Emergency Contact sheets.

I'm sure that their first day is wonderful, and they all found someone to eat lunch with, and had no problems getting to their classes, lockers, or buses.

Right???

Moved in and Getting Settled...

2010-08-30T05:28:00.003-10:00

So, our stuff came 7 days ago. Most of it, anyway. Our "hold baggage" - the small shipment, less than 1000 pounds of last-minute stuff - hasn't arrived yet. Traditionally, that one is supposed to arrive first. That's how it's designed. Not ours, though. It's supposed to come this week, but I'm still holding my breath. (It was promised 2 weeks ago.) That shipment has my Kirby vacuum in it - and I need it! :-)

There was some damage in this move. Furniture, to be exact. I am not happy about this, but fortunately it's just furniture. It can be replaced, and it will be, on the moving company's dime. It looks like one of the 17 wooden crates that our stuff was packed into was either dropped or something was dropped onto it. There was a gash in the side of the crate, and the crate didn't stand up straight, it tilted a little. I took plenty of pictures.

So far, the house is fairly unpacked. When you have 17,000 pounds of "stuff", it takes a while for everything to find its new "home" in the house. We're hoping to be in this house for a good while - at least 3 years, but we're actually hoping for a little longer - so the plan is to place this stuff in its "home" and then not move it for a long, long time.

School starts next week. Boy, are we all ready for that! I love these kids more than life, but we need a break from each other. They need to start school and make new friends, and have a life outside the house. I've been networking and trying to work the new-job angle, but it's not happening as quickly as I would like. I guess that I need to have more patience and more faith, but it is a constant struggle for me. I know that God will help me, I know He has a plan. I just need to wait for it (while trying to do everything I can to market myself and find that perfect job.)

In the meantime, unpacking continues, and I am starting to run again. Gotta get back out there and do something for Tiffany...

Getting back to "normal", one day at a time...

2010-08-11T12:06:00.002-10:00

So, we made the move. Left Hawaii and spent some time in Ohio with family and friends that we hadn't seen in a long while.

Then, about a week and a half ago, we made it to our new destination. Virginia.

Since then, we've:

* found a house to rent. Housing on post has a crazy 12+ month waitlist. That is insane, and a rant that I will save for another day. We decided that we aren't ready to buy yet, but that's ok. We found a great house, in a great neighborhood with great schools, and the owners are retired military with ties to Ohio (OH-IO!).

*started getting familiar with Northern Virginia and DC. It is a crazy, overwhelming place, but slowly I am figuring out how to get here and there, and learning to avoid the freeways as much as possible. It is definitely an adjustment that will take some time.

* started the job hunt. It is a slow, arduous process. I don't think I'll be lucky enough to work at home, at least not at first, but to find a job in my field is something that I won't take for granted. We'll figure it out, we always do...

* had our convertible devliered to us from Hawaii (the day after we got here) and picked up the van in Baltimore last week. It is a BIG deal to the Heffners to have our own vehicles back. For those of you that don't move regularly, or haven't moved in years, I cannot begin to explain the joy I feel when I see my belongings. It's not the belongings themselves that are important to me, it is the comfort of having familiar things around you. Seeing our own vehicles makes us feel that much more at peace in a new place.

* Enrolled Abby in school, and made appointments to enroll the other 2 kids. Yes, you need appointments to enroll your child in school. I don't claim to know why, I am just following the rules.

* Registered everyone at the Army hospital here so we can get medical appointments.

* Made appointments for all 3 kids to have physicals - which VA requires before your child can actually attend school. Thankfully, we got appointments for dates before school actually starts, which is a blessing.

* spent the last 10 days (and the next 10 as well) in a hotel. Granted, it's a nice hotel, the price is decent, and they have breakfast everyday. But it's close quarters for a family of 5 and I am ready to have a place to settle into on a more permanent basis.

Life is getting back to "normal", one step at a time. It is a slow process, since we're coming from across the ocean. And the Army hasn't made it easy for us. There have been many hurdles, and I am flabbergasted at the amount of people who we meet who are supposed to be working for the government, providing answers to soldiers and their families, who say to us, "I can't help you." Really? Does the Army know that you can't help me? I wonder if they would be surprised.

I am planning to write to my Congressman a letter. Will it help? Most likely not. But, if I don't write, I will never know.

For now, the blog won't move - you'll still find us at this URL. After we're settled, I may change the name. If I do, I'll be sure my (few) readers will be able to find me.

Until then, I will post as much as possible. Our cell phones will stay the same. Stay in touch!

Moving, Moving, Moving....

2010-06-30T10:17:00.002-10:00

So, we're on day 3 of packing and moving. The house is practically empty, except for our small shipment (to go later this week) and all the stuff we have to fit into 8 suitcases. I think the movers will finish today and we'll have tomorrow to reflect on our empty house, the memories, and the plans we've got for the next phase of Casa Heffner. (Not to mention the 2 loads of laundry we've accumulated in the last week and the trips to the dump that need to happen, and picking up school records...I could go on and on...)

It's always strange to me, to see an empty house that we lived in just days before. There's no trace that the Heffners ever called this place their home. No evidence that we loved it here, cared for it like it was our own. We laughed and cried here, had "firsts" here, and made memories.

The reality of this move won't hit for a while because we'll be on an extended vacation for most of July, visiting family and friends and cruising around Hawaii (not in that order...) When we finally get to our destination in early August, and have to live in a hotel and navigate a new place and decide quickly where to live, the reality will hit, and hit hard. No Ms. Tania to bring us brownies, no Willa and Violet asking if the girls can play. No Elena yelling "Levi!" and no Jackson or Matthew giggling at Park Day. No beach down the street or having to take off our shoes to enter the house.

This move is strange in many ways. It's like the old days, where I didn't have the security of a job to bring with me. Where there was a lot of uncertainty - a LOT. But it's better, because we know we made the most of our time here. We saw the sights, we got out of the house at every opportunity, we took advantage of what Hawaii has to offer. We made memories here that all our children will treasure. We made friends that I hope to still be close to, many years from now. After the Army isn't our life anymore and our home is really our home, and not just a stop along the way. We had a really great run here, and as scared as I am about finding a place to live and a decent job, it's time to go.

You have no idea how long we waited for the Army to send us that stupid paper, how we waited for 'permission' to move. But now that it's here, it's much harder than I ever imagined. Harder to say goodbye to a place that is expensive and far from Ohio, but that gave us an amazing 2 1/2 years. A place we may never see again.

So as June moves into July and the world keeps on going, despite my fears about housing and work and the kids getting settled, I am confident that it'll be ok. God never leaves me, especially when I need Him the most. When I can't sleep and all I can think about is "How will we get everything worked out the way we need it to be?" I don't always hear the answer when I am supposed to, but it's there. I feel it. He always knows what I need, and somehow He provides. I am constantly amazed at that. And I strive to be confident that He'll be there again, helping us get settled into our new life.

As the Heffners move from this chapter of our life to another, I hope that you'll stay along for the ride. The blog will change and the posts will be less than normal over the next month or 2, but the new adventures will be chronicled as we get settled and hit the ground running. Stay tuned!

June 1, 2010

2010-06-02T09:00:00.002-10:00

June 1, 2010. My first day of unemployment in over 9 years.

It felt weird, and great, and scary.

In some ways, I feel as though I have let Jon down. This layoff wasn't my fault, it isn't personal, it wasn't anything I did wrong. But I'm not contrbuting to the family finances right now. That doesn't hurt us too much, actually, we're in a good place. But it feels so strange. I feel like I owe it to our family to contribute to our needs.

I have always worked, with the exception of a small window of time in Germany, and I was volunteering then. Jon tells people that I get restless and make the family unhappy when I'm at home too much. I worry that he's right.

I have sent out some resumes, and started the networking process. But since we aren't in our new location yet, that's about all I can do for now.

Yesterday Alissa and I commemorated the first day of unemployment by spending the day together. We ran errands and listened to the "Glee" soundtracks together, and laughed and ate lunch. I treasure these small moments with her, and it reminds me of times that I spent with my mom at her age. When she's not in a teenager mood, she is fun and fabulous to be around.

Today I file for unemployment and Alissa and I hit the beach. I want to chill out and forget that I'm upset with IBM and not think about "how and when am I gonna get another job"?

Just for today, I am letting God handle the worry for me. I need a break. And although I'm not sure I deserve one - I mean, I am pretty tough on myself - I am taking a break with Alissa and getting out of this house for a while.

In fact, I hear her moving around upstairs so I bet she'll come down momentarily, in her skinny strapless bathingsuit and wonder if I'm ready to hit the beach.

"Coming, Alissa..."

It's Here...

2010-05-26T07:08:00.002-10:00

Tomorrow's my last day at work. It's bittersweet. I have given SO much to this job over the past 5 years. It has eaten into my family time, and I have lost dozens of hours of sleep due to late night calls and issues. I have fixed dozens of issues without even a "Thanks for your hard work." I give my all every single day.

It didn't matter. They didn't care about my work record or my outstanding performance reviews, or the awards I'd won in the last 5 years. They dropped me, and a few thousand others, because I didn't want to move. Well, I couldn't, really. We won't separate our family for the sake of a job, and Jon goes where the Army tells him to.

Where he goes, I go. It's as simple as that.

I won't miss the job itself - I have said for years that I don't want to be an antivirus administrator for the rest of my life. I won't miss the long hours, the "it's not my job" mentality, the calls at 2 am (even when I am supposed to be on vacation!).

I will miss working at home. It was a blessing, to be able to be here for the kids and work at the same time.

I have decided to take the next couple months to chill, re-group, and spend time with the kids at the beach. I need to think about what I will do next.

I have started networking, but we need to get settled in a new house in a new city before I can start back to work. I'm even considering going back to school for a Master's Degree. For years, I have wanted to be a college professor, and I am really considering pursuing that.

The next few months will be tough - moving, leaving our friends, waiting for our stuff to arrive from Hawaii, new schools, new town, different everything. And no job.

I pray and pray that that will just be temporary. I humbly ask that you pray for it, too.

May's half over!

2010-05-20T08:13:00.005-10:00

I told you, life at Casa Heffner is busy every May. So many things going on, so little days in the month to complete them!

Abby's recital was last weekend. She did spectacular. They had a routine with umbrellas. It was precious, and all 10 girls did really well. Ms. Nataliya should be very proud.

We're taking a short hiatus from ballet as we prepare to move to.....

Virginia!

Well, it's not final yet. But it should be tomorrow. The PA job was given to someone else. Not that Jon wasn't totally qualified for it. I guess the assignments guy offered it to more than one person, and that person was before Jon.

Figures. Anyway, I'm already over it. I'm already thinking about where we'll live, all the great stuff there is to do in that area - history, museums, daytrips. All of it. I am really excited.

And, it should be great for job prospects as well. I mean, DC has a mecca of IT jobs just waiting to be had.

That's what I'm told, anyway.

Jon and I are both actually really excited about it. It's time for a new adventure. We'll miss things about Hawaii - the weather, the laid-back weekends, the scuba diving, and mostly:

Our 'Ohana.

Still trying to figure out how we'll say goodbye to our friends here. I don't know how we'll do it. I've made friends here that I am closer to than I ever was to a childhood friend. I am a little scared to leave them...

We're kicking around the idea of a great party. A celebration of the 'Ohana, so to speak.

The end of May is in just a few days! And our adventure is beginning soon after. I can't wait.

Well, it's late, really late. I gotta get some sleep. More posts this weekend!

May is a busy month!

2010-05-04T16:20:00.008-10:00

Well, so far I have worked 9 OT hours in the last 2 days. Why, you ask? I don't know. I guess I just think it's the right thing to do. (I mean, when I get called in the middle of the night, what else am I supposed to do? Not answer?) I guess I could, but since I have to work the next day, I don't think that will go over very well. It brings me comfort that I am getting paid for this ridiculous overtime, that -- insert company name here -- is paying for what it should be paying for - my ACTUAL work hours. So many times I have worked an extra hour here or there and not claimed it because, well, it's a pain in the butt to do.

Since I was notified of the layoff, however, I claim every single moment. Especially when the phone rings at 2:30 in the morning and I end up working for over 13 hours straight, like yesterday. I can't wait for May 27, when I know the phone will ring, but my cell phone will be turned off. (Note: Family and friends who may need or want to call me that day, please call my home phone #.)

Anyway, besides that work-junk, life is good. Jon is home, here with us, and has no plans to go anywhere (at least that I know of). Saturday he and I took the 2 younger girls bowling at Pearl Harbor. (Alissa went to a birthday party.) Jon won 2 games, and - wait for it - Abby won one game! She loves to bowl. Puts her hands in the air when she rolls the ball. It is cute and sweet and hysterical. She got an 82 for the win (yeah, I know, we are all terrible bowlers if Abby won with an 82, but it's the fun that we had that counts, right?)

Abby bowling at Pearl Harbor, May 1, 2010

Friday the girls and I went to the Hale Koa pool. As I've blogged before, that is such a nice place. The pool is clean, they have nice bathrooms/changing areas, and the water was warm this time! There were some kids there, but it's never really been "crowded" when we go. It is truly worth the 25-minute drive.

gorgeous banyan tree at the Hale Koa Hotel

Tomorrow marks Alex's 12th birthday. It is insane to me that she is 12 already. She's finishing 6th grade in just a few weeks, and she's really changing. She's blossoming, transforming, right before my eyes. She is a great kid, very polite and inquisitve, very caring and sweet. She's been bitten by the babysitting bug, and that to me is also crazy - that she is old enough to watch other children. I still remember the moment I met her as if it were yesterday. I remember the day I found out we were expecting her. After the shock (long story), I was elated. To have another girl in the family. And through her transformations, she has transformed me as well. How lucky we were to have been blessed to be chosen. Chosen by God to be such an important part of her life.

Alex with one of our 'ohana, Matthew, at Park Day. She's a natural!

Friday Jon and I celebrate 16 years of marriage. I know some people might not have expected it to work for us. We met and fell in love very quickly. We were engaged within 6 months, and I was already 5 months pregnant with Alissa on our wedding day. I'm sure people thought we were rushing. But it was meant to be. We still laugh every day, we still hold hands, and Jon kisses me goodbye every single day as he leaves for work. It is a rare thing, love. I mean, lots of people fall in love. But a love that is complete and forgiving and full of laughter and understanding, that is a love that is forever. We have ups and downs, and there are days that I'm sure we both just want to be alone, but we have that forever-love.

So Friday, for our anniversary, Jon and I are ditching work and embarking on a deep-sea wreck dive. I wouldn't want to go with anyone but him. I never dreamed that scuba would be a hobby I'd enjoy, but diving with Jon is peaceful. It's tranquil, and beautiful, and fun. And I know I am safe if he's there. (I'm sure Jon will post pictures to his Facebook later that day...)

There are many brithdays this month - both family and 'ohana. Alissa finishes 10th grade this month, Abby has her 2nd ballet recital, and we will start to prepare to leave this island and embark on a new chapter of our life. My 5-year run at -- insert company name here -- ends, but a new one will come to take its place. One that is less stressful and more enjoyable. One that allows me to grow. I can feel it coming.

May is busy. But it's the best kind of busy. Busy with family, friends, celebrations, and new beginnings.

May your May be blessed as well. Thanks, friends, for being a part of the Heffner journey. Stay tuned as the adventure unfolds!

It's Friday!

2010-04-23T06:47:00.003-10:00

(image from Photobucket.com)

Thank goodness I survived another week. Work still stinks, but those 3-hour meetings have whittled down to more like hour-and-a-half meetings, so that's good. The 4 guys I am training are nice, they ask questions but it doesn't drag. (My boss had nothing to do with the meeting changes, and frankly I think he has just washed his hands of me. Whatever, dude.)

I am over the whole "you're taking my job" jealousy. It is what it is, right?

A friend reminded me today that a job doesn't define you (well, at least most of us). It's simply a means for you to support your family and your lifestyle. It isn't who you are.

I have already started networking and hope to have a new job as soon as we're moved. My current company gives us training money, in addition to severance, so I'm planning to take a couple of courses and enrich myself as well. Maybe work toward a Masters Degree. Who knows. But I feel good about it. God will help, He will provide, because I am a good person, and I have a good relationship with Him.

It's all good.

Today's Friday, that means Park Day. I haven't been there for the last couple of Fridays - so much going on, Jon and I have had meetings to attend, the girls have their own agendas.

Today is more carefree. I'm going to make some pigs-in-a-blanket, and take my jacket, and head to Park Day in a couple hours to laugh with my friends and soak in the April Hawaii sun.

The weekend means Jon will be home. We're planning a family day at Bellows, a dive or 2 on Saturday, and some good quality time.

I ran yesterday, first time in a month! I am ashamed to admit that, but it felt great. My baby sister is inspiring me, gotta put myself first. Remember to do it every single day, even for 45 minutes. She's been walking every day, and I want to have some of that leisure time too. I forgot how good it felt to hear Chris Daughtry at full volume on my iPod while shutting out the world for 45 minutes. It's my sanctuary.

I stopped drinking soda this week. All this time I knew it was bad for me, but it became a habit. Dare I say, an addiction. I found myself wanting soda all the time. So Wednesday I just stopped. I'm on the 3rd day, and it feels better than I imagined. I don't have headaches or cravings. I see the 12-pack on the kitchen shelf and I can easily walk right by it.

So, back to putting myself first, even for a shred of time.

Happy Weekend everyone!

Can't wait for May 27...

2010-04-19T11:17:00.005-10:00

Work totally sucks.

Today I ask my manager if we can scale back these 3-hour daily training sessions between me and the folks that will be taking my job. I understand the importance of training, and I do want them to succeed. I mean, I harbor no personal ill will toward these men or their ability to do their job. I just think 15 hours a week is a lot. It keeps me from being able to do what I need to do, so I have to work at night and on the weekends to catch up.

His response to me: "What are the other tasks on your plate that prevent you from being dedicated to this training?"

WHAT?? Are you freaking kidding me??

Hmmm. First of all, I am dedicated. DO NOT SAY I AM NOT DEDICATED, especially since you don't know me from a hole in the wall. You've been my manager for exactly 15 minutes. Don't say stuff unless you either have something to back it up with, or clarify what you mean. I wrote over 20 &^$%@* documents, with screen shots, explaining STEP-BY-STEP how to do my freaking job. If they can't read, why am I bothering to spend 15 hours a week reading these documents to them? That's basically what we do in "training" - I write the docs, then read them aloud on the phone. An unimaginable waste of time.

Second, you are my manager, for goodness sake. If you don't know what I'm doing on my account, then you aren't a very good manager (especially since I cc: you on tons of email everyday). Oh wait, I forgot. You are the 5th manager I have had in 5 years, and you and the last manager I had don't really care about me at all. You care about shoving me out the door after I have given you all the stuff you need so that this account doesn't become your team's problem. (If I train them successfully, you'll never have to deal with it again, right?) I got spoiled with the 3rd manager, thinking that all managers were like him. He remembered things I'd told him in the past, he cared about my success on the team and at --insert corporation name here--. He had my back, and stood up for me. You don't seem to care about me at all.

Third, thanks for caring about my feelings in all this. Just because you're not being let go, you could have a little more compassion for my situation. I have given a lot to this team and to the corporation, and my performance reviews show it. ( Take a look dude, they're available online for any employee to see. I checked.)

So, I called him. (What do I have to lose? All he can do is fire me, and right about now that doesn't sound so horrible.) I said, "Don't assume I am not dedicated. That's unfair and not founded."

He responds: "You are reading something into this. When I said dedicated, I meant what other things are you working on that you don't have time to do because you are training these folks? I don't mean you're not dedicated..."

Uh, everything. I spend 3 hours a day with them and then another couple of hours writing documents for tomorrow's "lesson". I still have hours of work that have to be done when the workday is over.

And if you don't think I'm not dedicated, then don't send me another email like that one. It wasn't cool.

Too bad for --insert corporation name here--. I'm not working overtime anymore. I have 6 weeks left and I'm not gonna kill myself for this. I will train the new folks, I will write down all the information that's in my head, and I will show up to work everyday and give my best for 8 hours.

That's it. And when May 27 comes around, may the Force be with you.

Because I won't be. I'm done. (And I won't be answering my cell phone...)

-----------------------------------------------

Wow, that felt GOOD to write. Today's been crappy already and I have vowed that my ridiculous short-term job is not going to bring me down. It's just not...

A new week, lots going on...

2010-04-18T17:03:00.003-10:00

It's a new week tomorrow. Lots has happened this past week, as usual...

Last week, I was asked to start training my replacements. Yuck. I have spent all week training them, writing "how-to" documents for them, thinking about all the stuff I do and figuring out how to explain that to someone with 90% less knowledge of the environment and the products than me, and whose native language is not English. I have written over 20 documents for them. Documents that I am proud of. I hope they help.

My current corporation keeps rejecting my applications for other positions within the Global Services organization. I had heard that this happens - my doomed friends say that the same thing's been happening to them, too... they "lock out" positions when there's been a layoff. I don't know what will happen. I worry about that (yes, same old song - I've been worrying a lot.) My head knows it will be OK, but my heart worries. What is meant to be will be, I keep reminding myself. Sometimes I think maybe I should just apply at Target...But then I remind myself that I have a degree in IT and that someone will see that and want to hire me. Someone will. Gotta have more confidence. I ask God for it all the time.

I went scuba diving off a boat with Jon and our friend Deanna last Thursday. This was probably my last major issue in the scuba-diving apprehension I had harbored. Some of you may recall that I went out on a boat with Jon last May. I donned the gear, I rode the boat out many yards from shore, and I jumped in the water. I couldn't do any more than that.

Well, Thursday I conquered that fear. I went down 61 feet! I saw some beautiful sights. The biggest eel I could ever imagine. (He was so large that it looked like he was stuck in the nook he'd been hiding in.) A pipe covered over with coral and sea life. A thorny cowfish. Many beautiful yellow fish (that I don't by name). I stayed calm, I enjoyed the peace, the beauty, the majesty, the unbelievable world out there in the water. If you are friends with Jon on Facebook, you can check out his pictures there. (I'm not at the picture-taking step yet.)

Saturday, Jon left (again). At least it's just a week this time. I missed him even before he left! It seems that, in my opinion, we are at the best place in our marriage. I mean, we've never been on the verge of divorce or anything like that, but the last couple of years we have really just gotten close. Spent time appreciating each other and finding things in common. I can't tell you how it feels when we're scuba diving and Jon takes time to make sure that my gear is all set up properly, that I will be safe during the dive. He helps me in the ocean, adjusting my fins and making sure we're at arm's reach, because he knows I am still nervous. He cheers me on when I step out of my comfort zone. And he checks on me every few minutes, giving me the "OK" sign underwater to make sure I am all right. Last weekend, we went on a night dive. In the dark. I was freaked out, but curious and brave.

Jon held my hand from the time we went under the water to the time we surfaced at the dive buoy. The entire time.

The house is different when he's gone. And even though we don't watch the same TV channels or like some of the same activities, I hate when he's not here. I hate it.

Yesterday the two older girls and I went to Ko Olina (Abby had a sleepover with friends). Alissa and I mostly stayed on the beach - we didn't feel like swimming - but Alex swam. And we looked for shells and walked the paths. We found the path from Lagoon #4 to the marina harbor. On the outside there was a rocky barrier between the path and the ocean. There were signs warning you of the danger, but we took the risk and walked out. We saw tide pools with small fish and crabs, shells, and even some sea sponges! It was beautiful and quiet, except for the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. We watched the sunset and I marveled at our fortune, to be able to have this experience in the book of our life. I hope it's memories like these that my girls will remember and retrieve later in life. "Mom, remember when we walked those rocks at Ko Olina and Alex found a sea sponge?"

I sure do.

Thank you God, for that moment. It was a small moment, but most of the time those feel like the best moments.

Tomorrow starts a new week. The younger girls go back to school for their final grading period here in Hawaii. Jon comes home on Saturday. We're gonna find something to do here on Sunday (out of the house). And I will be grateful for every single day, because every day that I get to wake up is a good day.

How to get through doing stuff we don't want to do?

2010-04-13T09:50:00.002-10:00

Today I am training my "replacements". The people who will do my job starting May 31, when IBM has said that they don't need me anymore.

It sucks.

I don't want to do it. It feels unfair, to have to talk to people who will be doing my work, and coaching them on how to do it well.

I didn't do anything wrong. I've had great performance reviews for my 5-year tenure with them. I've been a team player.

Some days, I understand that it's "just business", just the almighty dollar. It's not personal.

Some days, I struggle with trying to understand why I am being let go (along with more than 3,000 other good employees who I am sure were also team players).

There are good days, when I am sure that God hears my prayers and has a plan for me. A great plan that doesn't include my current employer (but that's OK).

There are bad days, when I can't imagine why they're letting me go, why I am losing a job for the first time in my life and worrying about interviews for the first time in 9 years. Where I am concerned that I am almost 39 and how in the heck will I ever find a new job? A job that is flexible for my family and pays more than McDonald's? A job in my field, where I won't have to commute an hour one way and spend so much time away from the kids.

Today is a bad day, because I had a 3-hour call with my replacements. Perfectly fine men, who are gracious and appreciative of my knowledge and my sharing it with them. But, my voice started to crack as I talked to them. Knowing in 6 weeks I won't be needed anymore. That I will just be a memory, if that. And that the documentation I am creating for them now, the foundation that will help them do a good job for IBM, will be left behind but no one will recognize that I am doing the right thing, being the bigger person.

I know. It should be enough for me to know that I'm doing what's right. I should be the only one who cares that I am being a good person and still trying hard, up to the bitter end.

I want this to be over. I know when they offered to keep me until May 31, I was originally happy. Now I'm really not. It's more like purgatory, where you know something will happen but you don't know what or when.

I want to find a new job, a better job that I like a whole lot more. But I worry that either I won't find it or it won't find me.

I know, you are all tired of hearing about this and want me to have some patience and faith.

I do, too. I want to have faith, but some days my faith gives way to fear and low self-esteem.

Today's one of those days.

It just sucks. And I had to let it out. I can't cry about a stupid job (or lack of it) anymore.

Thanks for listening. And for prayers. It means a lot, and one day I'll look back (like I always do) and wonder what I was so worried about.

I know it. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry it to death.

Gotta get off my butt today and back out jogging...

2010-04-05T13:39:00.002-10:00

It's been 2 weeks. In my defense, the kids and I have been riding bikes in the neighborhood.

I know, it's a weak defense.

I'm going out to jog today if I have to kick and scream the whole way. I need it. The last couple of weeks have been busy, and the younger 2 kids are home on break from school. As much as I love them, there is no alone time for me. And I admit, I am used to being alone, in the quiet. I miss it. Plus, my idiot dive boots tore holes in the back of my heels. They hurt like the dickens. I mean, I think I lost 5 or 6 layers of skin. At least a 1/4 inch deep hole, the diameter of a fingernail.

I guess I convinced myself that running shoes would not be a good idea with those wounds healing. (And I ride my bike with flip flops, even though that's dangerous and stupid...) I don't know how my feet will react when we move and I have to wear actual shoes with heels and closed toes...

So, I'm going to jog as soon as Alissa texts me that she's done at school and needs a ride. Dinner's cooking in the crock pot (chicken soup - thanks Christy for the recipe!) and the house is as clean as it's gonna get for today. Since I started work at 4:20 this morning (long story), I am done with that for today, too.

So, my sports bra is on. That's the first half of the battle. Once I put that bra on, it's like I feel guilty if I don't actually do anything that requires a sports bra. (Weird, I know. But it's how I do.)

Well, we may know where we're moving. I won't say here, because that's not something I am supposed to do. You know, I have to maintain OPSEC (Operational Security - Army-speak). Most of you know, and if you read my Facebook (or Jon's) then you already know where the Army wants to send us. If you don't, and you want to know, you can email me. Sooner or later it will be old news. But, we don't have anything in writing so basically it could change at a moment's notice. (Who am I kidding, it could still change even with orders.)

And work. I'm still there until May 31. I don't see it getting extended. But, I am OK with that. I find more and more as the days pass that I am not happy at this job. I am sick of being on-call for stupid things, and the only really good thing is that I work at home. But, that's just more opportunity for work to intervene on my family time. And more opportunity for them to call me to work at any hour, any day, for dumb reasons. (Reasons like: there's literally no one else who can do it but me.) Even when I can manage to line up one day for someone to cover for me, for 4 hours so I can take a diving class, I still get calls because that person doesn't know what to do and the calls keep coming. I feel sad for June 1 only because they will really suffer when I'm gone. I mean, I am not the "Employee of the Year", but I give my all, and I am always here. Some things are gonna be sacrificed when I'm not there to give extra attention. Oh well. Not my cross to bear. I will do my best for the next 7 weeks and then that's it. Life will move on and so will I. I have a feeling that good things are coming...

The kids are good. Jon's good. I am good. Life is great. And we're happy, healthy, and have amazing friends here (that will be difficult to leave). The sun is shining for the first time in days, and I think I just got a text from Alissa...

Happy Monday all.

Events of the last week...

2010-03-23T07:56:00.005-10:00

Jon and I after I completed the certification tasks

March 21, 2010

Gosh, it's been a week. I was trying to post more often, but last week was crazy. As I mentioned, I was taking a SCUBA-certification class (so I can dive with Jon and his friends up to 60 ft.). The class was Monday-Thursday nights, and Saturday and Sunday from 8-noon.

I was scared. All week. To the point of being ill. I barely ate last week. Lost 5 pounds. But I did it. I got in the pool, went under the water, and didn't freak out too badly. There were a couple of moments that I was a little uneasy, but it got better each time.

Saturday morning was the first ocean dive. To 25 feet. Doesn't sound like much but I had psyched myself out bad for it. I mean, I was so ill that I didn't eat at all on Friday except for like 6 pieces of shrimp...We were at a birthday party Friday night and I didn't eat a single cupcake! Couldn't.

The dive turned out to be more labor-intensive than I expected. (Imagine walking in the sand, which I am not good at already, with approximately 25 lb on your back and another 21 strapped to your waist.) We swam from shore to the dive site (and back).

When it was time to go down under the water, I did. And it was like nothing I ever expected.

Instead of being scary, it was beautiful and serene and quiet. And there was peace.

I wasn't afraid to fill my mask with water - twice - to prove that I knew what to do if it flooded accidentally. I wasn't afraid to take off my gear and sit on it at the surface, to prove that I could get out of it if I was stuck and needed to get freed. I wasn't even afraid to take off my weight belt - the bane of my existence in the pool exercises - and put it back on securely without losing it to the sea or holding onto something or someone.

It was an amazing day.

Then Sunday, the last day of class, we dove in the ocean again. I held a starfish and a sea urchin. I saw turtles swim by, unaffected by my presence and my awe. I posed for pictures with my friend and dive buddy, Ken, and even a picture with my husband. (A big thanks to Ken for dealing with my nervousness and my questions, and helping me find the calm to get it done. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect dive buddy!)

It was a surreal moment - one I'd never ever dreamed for myself. To perform the tasks calmly, to survive in the sea for a short time, and feel that peace.

Ken(R) and me at the bottom - March 21, 2010

I never knew what I was missing until I let myself experience it. It is an unexpected accomplishment that I am so grateful to have completed.

And, last week I was contacted by my manager at work, to tell me that there had been some complaints about my involuntary layoff and that they wanted me to stay until May 31. This doesn't change anything else - I will still get severance at the end, I will still get the other benefits. I just get a regular paycheck for 2 more months.

I didn't think I would be happy about this - after all, I had made peace with the layoff and was actually ok knowing the end date was soon. But knowing that someone fought for me to stay a little longer means the world to me. It feels great to know that someone took a stand and pushed for me to have a short reprieve. I know who started the campaign for my extension, and I am forever grateful.

When the announcement came in early 2009 that my team would be moved to Iowa and we'd be displaced, I prayed and prayed that I could stay until summer 2010 so that it would coincide with our move, and so that we could get our affairs in order and be as prepared as possible for the chapter that comes next.

This extension gets me to that goal.

I am amazed constantly by the power of prayer. I don't mean to be a worrywart. I guess it's always been easier and safer for me to feel disappointed than to feel hopeful. But I am always redeemed. God hears my prayers and even when I don't hear the answer, it is there. I have learned over the last few months to chill out a little and relax. When I relax, I can hear the answer and feel better about what it means. A little chill is all I can manage right now, but it seems to be helping. (Baby steps, right? I mean, it took 38 1/2 years to build up this level of worrying. It won't just stop overnight.)

God is great! Thank You, God, for looking out for me and for helping me this past week. I don't feel like I say it enough, how proud I am to have a relationship with You and how grateful I am that You love me and care about me. Thank You!

And thanks to you - friends, family, readers. I am grateful for each of you!

Happy Tuesday (and LOST day!)

First night in the pool for scuba class tonight...

2010-03-16T08:10:00.002-10:00

I started the Open Water Diver course yesterday. It's a 4-evening class - 2 nights of classwork and 2 nights in the pool - and then 4 dives over the weekend to get "certified".

Tonight is the first night in the pool. I am a bit nervous, I have to admit. My only other experience with scuba went badly.

You may remember the story. The short version is basically that I went on a boat dive with Jon, and I'd had no training, and I sorta wigged out. I didn't feel good about the equipment and the breathing underwater, and I definitely didn't want my mask to flood with water or to take the breathing regulator out of my mouth. (Both of those tasks were required before you could actually start the dive.)

Since that time, I have snorkeled quite a bit, and really fallen in love with it. I am more comfortable with having my head in the water for longer periods of time, and swimming on my own. But, there were a couple of times on Sunday (my most recent snorkeling experience) that I did surface to fix a snorkel issue or just get oriented. That's not as easy to do in scuba.

However, I still have that experience in the back of my mind and it makes me nervous. I am worried that I will get down in the water, have to perform a task and freak out. I hope that the time in the pool tonight will calm my fears, give me some confidence, and allow me to relax and enjoy this experience. I really want to like it. (and I really don't want to freak out.)

There's just that fear. Have I mentioned that I worry a lot?

So, if you're reading this before Tuesday night, send me some good vibes.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Patience is the order of the day...

2010-03-11T09:56:00.003-10:00

image by www.angiechan.com

Ugh. I have never been a patient person. Not patient enough, anyway. When I ask for help (which is pretty much almost never), I ask because I need help now. When I ask the kids to empty the dishwasher, I mean I want them to do it now. When I ask Jon to clean up the junk he leaves in his wake, I want him to clean it up now.

Patience is not my strong suit. It never has been. And two things are bugging me lately...

First, waiting to find out where and when the Army wants us to move is excruciating. We have never found out our next assignment so close to PCS time. (And I say "our", not Jon's, because this affects the lives of all 5 of us, not just Jon.) I could start networking, sending resumes, and finding out where the good school systems are. We could plan the island-hopping cruise we so desperately want - no, NEED - to take before we leave this beautiful state we've called home.

Second, I have no patience for the end of March to get here, when my job will cease and it will all become someone else's problem. I have a bit of "short-timer's disease". I just want it to be over. I don't want to slave away anymore for a job that is dumping me in just a couple of weeks.

***A funny little story - the company that is dumping me like yesterday's trash (along with 3,000 other hard-working individuals) gave me a performance bonus yesterday. The highest amount that I have ever received in my 5 years with them. Sounds backwards, but for this company I can totally see their logic. Not.***

I take comfort in the fact that their ridiculosity will pay for our aforementioned Island-Hopping Cruise for 5. Thank you, ___!

Anyway, those two things cause me the most stress right now. And I am trying like crazy to have enough patience to just push the stress back a little bit. Just a little. But if you know me, you know it's hard for me to let things go.

But today I strive to find the patience. To just be.

I have continued my workouts, though on the elliptical machine this week. It's been rainy and gross here, and I enjoy the elliptical because it forces me to keep going. (When I run outside I sometimes get lazy and slow to a walk because I don't want to push myself enough.) On the elliptical you can't. I mean, you can, but then it starts blinking and the lights change and it's like the machine is mocking me, taunting me. I can somehow always manage to find the willpower to get through the whole programmed workout without slowing down and making it mad. Been on it 4 days in a row now...and it helps with the stress and makes me feel accomplished.

Now if Jon will just stop calling me in the middle of the workout everyday...hee hee.

I made a small deal with myself that I will do some things for me since I'll have weekdays free. So I am working to get in more workouts every week, and I'm planning to take some computer-programming classes (my true love), and next week I'll be taking open-water scuba diving certification class. (I'll fill you in on that one next week!)

Well, back to the grind that is my work-life. I hope that the next job I find is one that I like a whole lot better. (Being let go opened my eyes to the fact that I don't really even like this job, I just keep it because it's convenient and close to home.) Let's hope these programming classes open up my job possibilities...

Happy Thursday Everyone!

Recycling comes to Kapolei...

2010-03-10T09:12:00.003-10:00

When we lived in Germany 10 years ago (geesh, that makes it sound like a lifetime ago), I was pleasantly amazed at how serious residents were about recycling. Granted, I think there are laws implemented there to enforce it, but after we got over the shock of how EVERYTHING is recycled - they even compost in each neighborhood - recycling became an easy, natural way of life.

Then later we lived in Tennessee, where you have to take the recycling to the recycling centers yourself, we incorporated it into our lives and it just became part of what we did every month. The kids helped and enjoyed it.

When we found out we were moving to Hawaii, I guess I assumed that recycling would be an easy, natural way of life here, too. I mean, it's an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Since there are limited places here to store garbage, I guess I just assumed that recycling would be prevalent - no, WANTED - in order to keep the island clean.

I was sad to find out that not only is it not easy, there is practically nothing that is recycled (except bottles and cans that have deposits, which 15% of people don't even do!). There are bins at some of the public schools to take glass, plastic, and paper/cardboard, but they don't take colored or glossy paper (like magazines or grocery store ads) and the only cardboard they take is corrugated (so no cereal boxes, Capri Sun boxes or soda can boxes...)

What's the point then?

Well, I guess Hawaii has decided to make some changes. Changes that I am potentially really excited about. I don't know much about this new program, but today we are receiving blue recycle bins (the size of trash cans) for recycling. I hear the program starts during the first week of May. I don't know what will be eligible for recycling, or how often they will be collected, but I am excited that Hawaii is starting to see what recycling can do for them.

People are often surprised when they come to Hawaii and see that parts of O'ahu are really dirty, slummy, littered, and basically un-cared-for.

I hope this new program will change that.

Happy Birthday Shari!

2010-03-09T10:02:00.003-10:00

My sister Shari celebrates a birthday today.

I haven't seen her in person in more than 2 years. But I miss her everyday. She has a laugh that is infectious. My mom used to say when Shari was little that she smiled more than any other kid she'd ever met. She never lets life get in the way of her happiness, not when she was a kid, and not now.

Shari's a happy person. And so giving. She'd give you the shirt off her back, even if it meant she'd freeze. She's just that way. And did I mention her laugh? It's one of my favorite things about her.

Happy Birthday Shari! I hope that whatever you have planned for today is full of fun and celebration. I hope you get to take some time out for yourself on your special day.

I love you. Have a FANTASTIC day!

100th Post!!

2010-03-05T11:18:00.002-10:00

I've made it to 100 posts. I know there are blogs out there that are updated everyday with witty, insightful information. Blogs that inspire you, or educate you, or suprise you.

Mine isn't one of them. (Well, I don't think it is...)

It started out as a way for family and friends on the Mainland to stay in touch, to see pictures of the family and our adventures. and to feel like we were together even though they're thousands of miles away.

It became much more than that, to me. It's been a way to chronicle pieces of my life. To work out feelings. To get past tough spots, and to document the unbelievable (great) ones.

I only have a few followers, but they provide me guidance, encouragement, and confidence.

We're leaving Hawaii soon (well, in the next few months), but I'm planning to continue the blog. Maybe even make it better.

Thanks for sticking with me. For sharing the good times, and the bad ones. And for being out there. Here's to 100 (or 200) more posts!

Tiffany

The tsunami that wasn't...

2010-03-04T09:50:00.002-10:00

As promised, I wanted to chronicle last Saturday's events - the tsunami warning we never saw coming.

The day started at 3:00 am for Jon and me. The phone starts ringing. I immediately think it's work calling, and remember that my iPhone is most likely on "silent", which is why the house phone is ringing. We never get called in the middle of the night, on the house phone, unless it's work. Since I hadn't been laid off yet, I ran downstairs to try to catch it in time before the voicemail kicks in.

I see it's my friend from across the street calling, to ask if I'm awake. "No," I say, it's 3:00 am, of course I am asleep. Well, trying to sleep. The idiot neighbor behind me is loud, drunk and obnoxious this night, and I have already awakened several times to find out what the heck he's being so loud about. My friend says a friend from the mainland has called - the mainland is reporting of an earthquake in Chile (which I'd heard on the news the night before) but that the aftereffects of this earthquake are a potentially sizeable tsunami headed straight for the Hawaiian Islands.

WHAT? I am immediately startled and panicked. I turn on the TV, and as Jon rolls over to head back to dreamland, I relay the information I've just heard. The news states a tsunami warning is in effect, that the sirens will start blaring at 6 am, and that all listeners should get their Emergency Kits together and prepare to head inland for the next 6-10 hours, maybe more. (What emergency kit??)

Just as I start to really panic - a TSUNAMI? - the phone rings again. It's the mother of another friend (from down the street) - I didn't even know she knew our phone number, as she's calling from the DC area... :-) She can't reach her daughter, whose husband is away on lengthy military business. This friend was literally scheduled to move THIS SAME day, so her phone is at the other house, her cell phone is dead, and no one can reach her. I tell friend's mother I will drive up there and make sure she's awake and aware.

So, by 6 am I have already driven to a friend's house and induced panic there, driven her to the new house, helped her gather her animals (scattered between the old house and the new), gotten gas for the car, and driven back home. Jon's awakened the kids, prepared the stuff we're taking with us, and updated our Facebook status so people know we're aware and OK but can't take calls.

The sirens start at 6. Here I was, prepared for the sounds of an air raid. After all, we're trying to wake well over a million people to tell them to head for higher ground. On a Saturday. The sirens are wimpy little whistles that last for no more than 2 minutes.

Since we're already aware of the situation, we pack the car and turn on the TV for further instructions. They say to stay put, our area's in a "secondary evacuation zone", so we'll do more harm than good by heading out. Jon, ever the voice of reason, decides to invite all our neighborhood friends over for a gigantic breakfast.

Turned out to be the best decision of the day. We eat, laugh, watch the kids play, and ride out the "warning" as it turns out to be nothing more than 1-foot waves. Three hours later the warning is canceled, streets are reopened and we go on with the rest of the day.

It was another day to add to the memory bank - "what were you doing during the tsunami warning of 2010?" I tell my friend across the street that we'll laugh about this 15 or so years from now when we're assembled for Alissa's wedding.

My other friend's move was rescheduled for the next day and went off without a hitch.

Thankfully we were protected that day. Hawaii's last tsunami, originated from Chile in 1961, took 61 lives and destroyed millions of dollars of property. I can understand the hype, the preparation, the alerts. I'm just thankful it turned out differently this time.

Well, it happened...

2010-03-01T09:12:00.002-10:00

I intended to write today about the "tsunami-that-wasn't" scare that we had on Saturday. I will still write that post, but for now I am consumed with the fact that "it" happened.

My job gave me the heave-ho today. Well, me and a few hundred others.

I knew it was coming. I knew. And I have 30 days to find a miracle reprieve. Another job in the same company. I've been looking for a year. These next 30 days aren't going to bring a miracle. At least not at that company!

I have people there who care about my future and support me. People who will be references in the future.

But it doesn't change the heartache I feel. Not about the company itself, though. Just that I have never been let go - not fired, not laid off. It sucks. I feel like a failure and like a deadbeat. Like I wasn't good enough.

It's all about money and the bottom line. I know in my heart I gave my all. I don't think it's personal. But it still hurts. A lot.

I worry most that I won't be marketable somewhere else. I have skills, but some that I haven't used in several years. I worry that no one else will see my worth.

I guess that's all I have to say. I have been crying for an hour and I guess I just am done with that for now. I will probably cry all day, and for the foreseeable future, but mostly because I hate the unknown. And my job future is unknown.

Besides my crappy employer and my pending unemployment, life is awesome. Truthfully. Had a fantastic weekend and spent it with my dearest friends here on the island. It was such a fun time.

You can expect my tsunami post soon. Now that I will have a lot more time on my hands. (At least now I have more time to improve my running!)

I wish I could post more than once a week...

2010-02-25T10:27:00.004-10:00

The sunset at Ko Olina, December 2009

I look at my blog, meaning to update it more. I really love writing, and writing about my life especially. It's so cathartic to me, to put things down on paper. To express the feelings I have inside.

But life gets in the way, and all the things that have to get done at Casa Heffner on a daily basis. I just can't get to it as often as I'd like.

This week, no really new news, I suppose. Alissa informed me in the car yesterday that class elections are this week. So her replacement will be chosen. She knows both of the people running, and if she has a preference she hasn't told me. I think this Class President experience has really changed her. She has been so busy this year, with meetings and planning and all that on top of her schoolwork. I am proud of her, and I tell her that. She told me she doesn't think she'd run again even if we were going to be here another year, because, in her words: "...11th and 12th grade are when I really need to be working on getting ready for college and I'm not sure I could do that and handle Presidential duties at the same time...". She's a smart girl in many ways.

I have noticed that Alex is starting to "blossom". Not really in "that" sense, just that she is becoming more of a young lady. She is more into daily hygiene - washing her face and caring about her appearance - and she's starting to lose some of that "kid" look. I looked at her this morning in the car, in the rear view mirror, and I thought to myself, "Her hair looks so pretty today." She hasn't really changed it, except for a trim about 6 weeks ago. But it's shinier and healthier, and her face has changed. It's not really describable, and I don't mean this as a judgement of any kind. It's just an observation. She's changing.

I remember Alissa going through that same thing, but for some reason Alex's change is affecting me. Is it possible that I now have 2 daughters who are young ladies?? I can barely believe my eyes. My heart already worries for the day that they won't be here, living in the house with us. How do parents do it? How do they let their children grow up and move on? I hope that, 2 years from now, when the time comes for Alissa to go to college, that I have the strength to make it through that day.

And Abby, the baby. Well, she's almost 7. Hardly a baby, though she will always be mine. I can't believe that there was ever a time when she wasn't here in our house, in our lives. She is such a smart, sweet, polite kid. And I see the 3 of them interacting together and I count my blessings. What a lucky mom I am.

There has been an influx of babies in our lives over the past year. A lot of our Ohana here is younger than I am, and are still having babies. When I hold my friends' babies, I remember that feeling. Having someone so small in your house. Smelling their smell and hearing that baby giggle. You know the one I mean, the one that starts in their tummy and gurgles all the way up. A friend of ours has a son who recently celebrated his first birthday. That boy is a true delight. The happiest baby I have ever met. To get to be a small, small part of his life is a sweet blessing. And when I see him and pick him up, and he kisses my cheek - you know, the slobbery, open-mouth baby kiss that all moms adore - I cry a little inside. Cries of happiness. That I get to have that with this little person. For a while. What a lucky girl I am.

Jon is good. Life is getting back to normal. Well, our version of normal. We've become so accustomed to the travels that it's easy to get back to life when Jon leaves and when he comes home. It's like our life has 2 versions - one with Dad here and one with Dad gone. We've gotten so used to flipping back and forth that it has become part of who we are.

Work is still the same. Still waiting to hear what my fate will be. A former manager IMed me yesterday, and he said "no news is good news, right?". My reply: "I have given it to God and I'm sure that when the time is right, something wonderful will happen." And I meant it. For the first time in my life, ever, I have truly given it to God. Several weeks ago, when I said I would. And I have. I don't let it rule my life. And I'm happy with that choice. It'll be OK. God is good, and He's been so great to me. I have no reason to believe that things won't be OK for us.

I ran 3.2 miles yesterday. Not exactly world news, but a big deal to me nonetheless. I celebrate every time I run, jog, or jog/walk. It is something I never intended to do or like, but I do it and I like it. A friend of mine calls running her "salve". The thing that smoothes out her edges. I guess for me it is too, a little bit. It's a hobby I never, ever thought I would try, let alone enjoy. An unexpected blessing of this life here in paradise.

And, finally no news on the move. We know we'll move, we both want it, and the Army knows we want it. They've expressed their approval. We just don't have the specifics yet...

Oh well, there's plenty to do here without worrying about that. I have made my 2010 resolution to worry a speck less, whenever I can. A speck is all I can manage, but so far it's working.

Happy Thursday!!

Catching up...

2010-02-18T10:29:00.002-10:00

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I just get busy with stuff, and with visitors leaving and Jon coming back, and all the kids busy with school and activities, things have been hectic here. I've also been just trying to walk away from the computer at the end of the day. I feel like I am always tied to this thing.

This past Monday I ran the Great Aloha Run, an 8.15 mile annual "race" from Aloha Tower to the Aloha Stadium. Jon did it last year, which I blogged proudly. And I have wanted to run in it since then. I mean, I wasn't out to break any records. I just wanted to complete it.

I wasn't fast. It took me 2:05:00, which won't break Olympic records. But I felt GREAT. I was super pleased. And as I rounded the last turn and headed into the stadium, I saw the giant "Congratulations" sign. I didn't expect to cry, but I did. Cried with pride.

It was something I NEVER thought I would ever do. Run. And run 8.15 miles!!

Truthfully, I walked for a portion of it. Looking back, I walked probably 30-40% of the way. But who cares. I don't. I finished. And I finished a tad faster than that 5K that I ran back in September.

Since I don't run to break records, I only felt pride and success. (I run for stress relief...)

Jon's home. Back from a long, long TDY trip. It was only 6 weeks, but it felt like a year! I'm glad that it's over. There are no more trips planned for a while. And thank goodness. I am over this constant traveling.

Life is back to normal. At least the Heffners' version of normal. And it's pretty good.

Still no word on the move. Hopefully the Army hasn't forgotten about us.

Happy Thursday!

Happy Birthday Carrol!

2010-02-10T09:36:00.003-10:00

Today is Jon's mom's birthday.

We had the pleasure of just having a long visit with her and her husband here in our home.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We were so glad to get to spend time with you, and we hope you have a wonderful day today!

Love to you from all of us!

Laurie's birthday and LOST is back!

2010-02-02T08:17:00.003-10:00

My favorite show.

Of all time.

Yes, I am a LOST geek. It is a truly fascinating show. I don't get into all the weird conspiracies, I don't over-analyze, but over the summer I did read a few theories here and there. I got geared up for this new season. And Alissa and I watched seasons 1-5 to get prepared. (I'd seen them all already, but Alissa started with season 4 so she needed to go back and watch from the beginning...)

I am so excited for it to start back tonight. And the fact that it's filmed here, sometimes just down the street, is super cool. Everytime I see the Others' Barracks, I think of Camp Erdman and how cool it is to be standing in the Others' Village, looking at those buildings, seeing them in person. And Kawela Bay, a beautiful secluded beach that we got to enjoy with both Jon's sister and mine, is the place where Juliet and Goodwin swam and drank wine and decided not to hide their relationship any longer...

OK, OK, I've rambled. I can't help it. Love, love, love this show.

And, today is my sister Laurie's birthday! I miss her so much, and I wish her the happiest birthday she's ever had. It's her first birthday as a mom, and she gets to watch LOST tonight, so those two things should help make her day a little brighter.

Love you, Laurie, and hope to be a little closer to the celebration next year! Have an amazing day!

Happy 40th Birthday Jon!!

2010-01-31T13:42:00.007-10:00

Happy, Happy Birthday to Jon,my wonderful husband of 15 1/2 years.

He can't be with us today, the Army has him away on business for another couple of weeks, but we are thinking of him and wishing we were in the same city. I miss that guy!.

Today his mom and stepdad are here still enjoying their visit. We climbed Diamond Head crater. It was our 4th time, their 1st. They did GREAT! A couple of stops here and there, but it didn't feel nearly as hard as the last 3 times I've climbed.

Either the 4th time is the charm, or all that crazy running I've done has finally started to pay off.

And at the top, we honored Jon(Dad) and let him know that we miss him and that we're thinking of him on his special day.

Happy birthday Jon. We love you and miss you. We're grateful to have you in our lives.

Back to School tomorrow and other thoughts for today...

2010-01-25T08:56:00.003-10:00

The 2 younger kids finally go back to school tomorrow. They've been on break since December 18. YIKES! The Hawaii school system is horrible, and weird, and unlike anything we've ever been exposed to. The kids are on a track system, so they're in school for 8 weeks, then break for 3. Well, the grading period ended on December 18 so their "break" falls in line with Christmas break.

That means 5 weeks off - in a row - and it's not even summertime. (Alissa's school is on a traditional calendar, so thank goodness she is not exposed to this madness.)

I love these girls but it's time for them to go back to school. They're starting to bicker, and quite frankly they're getting bored. I like being here alone to work, and not have to listen to SpongeBob on the TV or girls fighting about whose turn it is to play on the Wii or with that Barbie or who was last to leave the room and needs to turn the light off. While I love having the house full of little girls (both mine and the neighbors'), I am tired of cleaning up or reminding little girls to clean up.

Bottom line, if you're ever finding that you have the opportunity to live in Hawaii, really take time explore other alternatives to the public school system. There's an excellent homeschool program here that I almost wish I would have tried, much to Alissa's dismay.

Meanwhile, Jon's mom and stepdad are here. It's been nice and relaxing, and we've spent a lot of time laughing. I think once the kids are all back in school tomorrow, they will start to venture out for more sightseeing, but for now they are content to live our everyday lives with us. It makes me sad that Jon is so far away and can't be here for any of the visit. I am even sadder that we can't go away for his birthday like I wanted, because (1) he won't be here for it, and (2) they'll be gone by the time he gets back and unable to take the kids for a night or 2.

What I wouldn't give for a night/weekend away, alone, just the 2 of us. We really could use that. Not that we're in a bad place or anything like that, but with him travelling so much, and our busy everyday lives compounding things, we don't get too many date nights, let alone time away by ourselves. I think the last time we did that was house-hunting in 2004. (NOTE: If there are any volunteers to take the kids for a day or 2 this summer, let me know....We'll be house-hunting again, wherever we end up.)

I haven't been running since the in-laws have been here. But surprisingly, I know I've lost a couple of pounds. I can tell by the way my pants fit. We've been eating healthy, and eating less. (Although we did have Peanut Butter Pie for dessert last night...)

I gotta get out to run today. There's no excuse. And, I need to spend some time alone. I miss that hour a day to myself. I miss my daily date with Chris Daughtry and Will Schuester ("Glee").

There's no "alone time" when I'm here. Someone under 18 always seems to need my help/attention/advice. One of the many side effects of military life. The girls and I are so close, they don't want to go to anyone else for help except me. It's a wonderful blessing, having such a close relationship with them. But it's also difficult, because I am always reminding them that Dad/Grandma/Grandpa/Ms. Tania/Ms. Nicole/their sister/etc. can help too, especially if that person is standing right beside them.

Well, back to the grind. No new news on the job/move. You all will definitely know if something changes...

Happy Monday!

A New Year Begins...

2010-01-12T09:30:00.003-10:00

photo courtesy of www.mediabistro.com

So, 2010 is here. I'm not ready.

2010 is bringing a lot of changes to the Heffner household.

For starters, I am begging for a PCS move. Yes, I did the same thing when it was time to leave Germany. Yes, years later I long to re-visit that place and I also realize that we didn't take full advantage of our time there.

I'm sure the same thing will probably happen with this tour - we'll miss Hawaii when we leave. Except that we have taken advantage of our time here. Our copy of "O'ahu Revealed", which I highly recommend to anyone visiting this island, is bookmarked, worn, written in, highlighted, and water-stained.

We've seen and done so many cool things here. It's hard to choose our favorites! But, I'm ready to head back to the mainland. It's time.

Second, I hope to see Jon promoted to Lieutenant Colonel.

He's worked hard for this honor, and I hope that the Army Promotion Board sees what I see and rewards him. The board meets next month, so I've added it to the prayer list.

Third, Alissa will turn 16. Sixteen!! Am I old enough to have a sixteen year old??? Most days I don't feel much older than that myself. Don't worry, though, Alissa does her best to remind me that I am routinely uncool, un-hip, and couldn't possibly know what she's going through. Alissa will start to drive this year. (Don't worry, that won't happen until we leave this crazy state and its "Drive With Aloha" ridiculosity.)

Fourth, my career will change. Even if I get to stay with IBM, which is my true hope, I will not be on the same team that I am now. The team itself has already moved, changed names, changed management, and changed the way it runs. I am a "legacy team member", still around until they decide that they don't need me anymore. I hope that some of the networking I've done works out, but rest assured that the job I have now probably won't last for the full year.

And fifth, with the PCS move, we'll have a new place to live, new schools, a new town, new neighbors, and we'll all be the "new kid" again. Jon thinks this could be our last move before retirement. Since he has less than 5 years left, we could conceivably stay in the new place for all of that time, and then move one last time - for good - when he retires. (I said "could", so please don't read anything into that. It's just a statement right now...)

Wow, a lot of stuff is scheduled to happen this year.

Maybe I am ready after all. I think that one of the many things that Army life has taught me, besides profound independence, is the ability to handle change, and lots of it, all at the same time.

This isn't our first trip to Crazytown, and we know what we need to do to prepare ourselves for the journey ahead. There will be bumps, but we've got our battle gear on and our training manuals open.

Most importantly, we've asked God for help. And He's listening. (I can't always hear his cheers, but I know he's rooting for our team.)

So, as our life prepares to change again, stay tuned. And you might want to get your battle gear ready, too. It's better to be prepared for whatever is ahead.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2009-12-22T09:26:00.005-10:00

Christmas. In my humble opinion, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

My Christmas memories as a child are those of making treks to Sandusky, to see my Grandma and Grandpa and my aunts, uncles and cousins on my mother's side. Laying in the back of my parent's van (long before seat belts and car seats were required) and watching the Christmas lights as we travelled through town. Baking cookies with my mom and sisters, and listening to an Avon Christmas cassette that is still my favorite Christmas music in the world.

I had a good childhood. Christmas was always filled with love, family, togetherness.

When we don't live across an ocean, we are always in Ohio for Christmas. Well, maybe not Christmas Day, but always part of Christmas week. Making that drive from wherever-to-Ohio, usually in the snow and very cold weather. That's the Christmas memories I have collected as an adult.

The past couple of Christmases have been different. We're far from home, and with Jon's work travels, my job insecurity, and 3 kids and all their gear made it just too hard to get home to Ohio.

We're lucky that we have formed an extensive 'second family' here in Hawaii.

I've mentioned it many times in posts in the past. These folks mean such a great deal to us. These families that have come into our lives and hearts. They are families that we won't live near forever, but will forever live in my heart (and hopefully in our lives, even if it's long-distance!)

I feel overwhelmingly blessed to have these families in my life. I know that God knew I would need to meet them, and that's why our Hawaii trip in 2006 fell through and we ended up moving here instead. It was so we could meet these people, invite them into our hearts, and share wonderful experiences that will be my children's childhood Christmas memories.

We're creating memories that my girls may not fully appreciate now, but they will treasure in the years to come.

It feels strange to have a sunburn on Christmas week (as I do), to wear shorts and tank tops when Christmas shopping with the hubby, to sit out on the lawn pulling weeds in December as I bond with a good friend and her new baby. It's a weird feeling to hear my Facebook friends talk about snow shovels and school delays while I tie my shoes and put on my iPod to go jog in the 80-degree heat. This is a surreal life, to live in "'Paradise", even for a short time, and be cut off from things that are normal to us - snowfalls, freeways, Applebee's for goodness sake! (As an aside, I am convinced that McDonald's is considered "fine dining out" here, unless you're in Waikiki.)

But the memories we've made, and will make for the rest of our stay here, are worth it. It stinks to be far from home, far from the people we love the most, and far from the daily events of their lives. But the Army has given us something wonderful to help make up for it:

ADVENTURE.

And lots of it. We've gone places, seen things, that I would never have dreamed I'd experience. I snorkeled with an eel this past Friday, if you can believe that!

As we prepare for our new adventure, sometime in 2010 (God willing, of course), I take this blessed Christmas season to reflect on the memories we've made here in Hawaii. The friends we've found, the adventures we've taken, the challenges (both good and bad).

It's all part of the adventure.

To all of you, from the Heffners, our best wishes for a blessed Christmas and a fabulous 2010!

Where I've Been...

2009-12-03T11:07:00.002-10:00

Truthfully, I just took the last few weeks off.

Too much going on. Jon left on extended TDY, my sister came to visit with her husband and new baby boy, and work has got me working overtime, all the time.

Pardon me for a moment while I vent about this job-thing...again. If you decide to stop reading, I won't be offended. But writing it helps me cope.

They now want me to join 4:30 am daily meetings where I can hear (with the other remote folks) how important we are to getting the new people up to speed so that they can be successful at doing our jobs. And, every Thursday (including Thanksgiving), I get paged at 10:30 at night for servers that are spitting out false-positive alerts. That I haven't been able to get fixed, because of the holidays and the red-tape that is required to get a simple task executed.

Yay!

I secretly find myself being ok with this job-ending-thing. Not the being unemployed part. Not the way that the company has done it (forcing people to move or give up their jobs at the company's convenience). But the idea that I won't give my all anymore for a company that just continues to want more, and more often, and for less.

Yes, I work at home. It has been an insane blessing the last 5+ years. That piece I love, and hope and pray that I don't have to give up.

But it gives the company more and more of my time, for free. And I do it, because I am a loyal, hard-worker who likes/liked the company I work for and wanted to give them my best.

It seems like I never turn the computer off. I work, and work, and work. There is always another task that needs to be done right now. I can't even take days off, as there is no one to cover for me. (So many people have already been let go...) When Laurie was here, I worked half days and checked my email every night after her family went to bed.

All that being said, I actually find myself hoping for 2 things:

That this company will do the stand-up thing and find positions for those of us who are sticking around until the end. Especially those of us that can't move, even if we wanted to, because we have spouses serving our country and can't/won't separate the family for the sake of a job. (I know this is a dream and too good to be true, but I still hold out hope.)
That, if #1 doesn't happen, that I can at least stay with said company until summer 2010, when I anticipate a move to a new part of the US, where I can go back to contracting, or maybe take a college course or 2, and take my career sights in a new direction.

I hate feeling this way. I have never lost a job before - never been fired, let go, laid off, any of that. It sucks. The insane amount of control that I don't have. That's what gets me the most.

I would have stayed with this company for years and years if they'd let me, until retirement. I would have been loyal until the end. I don't know if I will get that chance.

I have tried giving it to God. Believe me, I try. Every day. I know that God wants me to be patient, that he wants me to let Him help me. I believe whole-heartedly, that He has another plan for me and that He will help me with the job situation because I have asked.

Believe me, I pray everyday. Sometimes several times a day. It's just about all I think about these days. I am wondering if God is sick of hearing my prayer yet. It's like it's been on an endless loop for months.

I don't know what He wants me to do. It's like I can't hear what He's trying to say to me, what He wants me to do to help myself with this situation. I have applied for a few other jobs at this employer, but I can't get past the stupid computer-screening process.

So I wait, and stress. Every day. Waiting for the ball to drop. For them to say they don't need me anymore.

It sucks. That's all there is to it.

But I will continue to pray. I will ask everyday for help. And maybe, God's time will come and I will see the answer that I've been looking for.

If you see it, let me know.

Thank a Veteran (or their spouse) today

2009-11-11T06:49:00.003-10:00

Veteran's Day has a new meaning for me this year. Rebecca lost her husband just over 2 weeks ago. It makes the sacrifice our troops make that much more real.

My heart aches for her. I worry about her every day. I wonder how she finds the strength everyday to just get out of bed (if she even sleeps.) Rebecca is a strong lady, very independent. But there is no way to prepare for losing your spouse unexpectedly. I mean, you can make up wills, buy life insurance, talk about the "what-ifs".

But you can't prepare for the feelings that come with losing the person that you love most in the entire world.

Veteran's Day is a day to honor those who have and currently do serve our country, risking their life everyday for our way of life.

We all saw the commercials a few years back, during the Superbowl, I think. The one with the servicemen walking in line in the airport. People stopped to clap for them, and they all smiled a faint smile. How wonderful to know that you are risking your life everyday, your marriage, time with your family, and that someone else is grateful for that?? That your country believes the same things that you do, and appreciates that you stand up for the beliefs of many!

And at my friend's funeral last week, hundreds of people lined the streets of his hometown, waving American flags proudly as his body made way to its final resting place.

Please take time to thank a veteran, a military spouse, or a widow/er for the sacrifices they make for us. A simple "thank you" means more that you can ever imagine.

This blog has done wonders for me...

2009-11-10T10:48:00.002-10:00

I don't know about you readers, but having this blog for almost 2 years really has been a blessing for me. To be able to share my thoughts, stories and photographs is wonderful.

The blog really started as a way to keep in touch with our extended families when we moved to Hawaii. I know that they miss seeing the kids as often as they used to, and this gives us a way to share our Hawaii adventures and keep them involved in the kids' lives.

But it became more than that. It was also a way for me to vent. To share my frustrations. Not to bring people into my issues, but just to put them on paper, so that I could see them and decide what to do about them.

You all know that my job is a great source of concern right now. Blogging about it has given me some peace. While I know that things are going to change, whether I like it or not, having a way to talk about these things helps me get through them.

And losing our friend in Iraq late last month. I struggled with that for days, trying to sort it out in my head. I still struggle with it. Everyday I pray for my friend - that she will have the strength to get through this sadness and the changes that will happen in her life. I worry about her. I know what everyone says - that there's a reason, that God needed him, that there's a plan bigger than our understanding.

Sometimes those explanations aren't enough.

And, since I couldn't reach Jon when it happened, I hoped that he would at least be able to see the blog and know that someone we knew personally and cared about gave their life for our country.

Thanks, readers. I know there aren't many of you. But thank you for listening. When you are far from home like I am, sometimes the blog can be your best friend.

Please continue to bear with me. The next few months will be crazy with Jon's travel, visitors, the holidays, and then the plan to move.

Thanks for being there.

Days of Old...

2009-11-05T08:32:00.006-10:00

Alissa's working on a project about herself for school. As an aside, I don't understand why 10th graders are doing projects on themselves. What are they supposed to be learning - how to scrapbook? How to color, cut, paste? I don't think it's a worthwhile project, I think it's a waste of a 10th grader's time. (Another reason for us to move this summer, the high school here is just ridiculous.)

Anyway, for this project, Alissa needed pictures of herself from the past. Thankfully, we didn't leave our pictures in storage in Tennessee. The girls and I dragged out 8 boxes of photographs and proceeded to pour through them.

Boy did the memories pile in! Pictures I really hadn't looked at in years. Memories that were still in my heart and mind, but that hadn't been visited in a long time. Pictures of Alex and Alissa as babies. It's hard for me to remember some of those times, but seeing them in print brings the memories flooding back.

And wait until you see this picture of Alex. Abby was convinced that it was her - especially since she just wore that same dress last week! If I didn't know better, as their mother, I would easily mistake it for Abby as well. (I'll post some more of the old pictures later today...)

The major differences are Alex's bangs and the fact that Alex and Abby have different eyes. As a smaller child, Alex always had those dark circles under her eyes that Abby never had. (They seemed to have gone away as Alex has gotten older...)

I say this in practically every post, I guess because I am just dumbfounded. I don't feel any older, but my children are growing and blossoming before my eyes.

Too quickly.

I don't feel ready. I'm not ready for them to be young ladies. I'm not ready for them to not need me as much anymore.

I'm not ready for Alissa to be a grown-up. That happens in just 3 short years.

It's selfish. And I'm dealing with that. I will be as ready as I can be when the time comes.

Seeing these pictures makes me grateful for the family I have. Jon, the girls, and our extended families.

Family is everything. I'm so glad that I have never forgotten that, no matter what else has come our way.

Death Sucks!

2009-10-30T09:58:00.002-10:00

Our friend's death earlier this week has hit hard. I have been in a slump all week.

I think it hits harder because I also have a soldier in my life. And I never truly think about what life would be like without him. He travels a lot, and he has been to war. But all the times he's gone, I really never let myself think about the "what-ifs". We have all our paperwork in order, like any other family would, and we've talked before about what one should do if something happened to the other. I'm sure all couples do that, especially if there are children involved.

But I never really let it in - that something could happen. I'm sure my friend didn't really, either. Her soldier had already been deployed several times before this. I'm sure that, while still being totally crappy, this deployment was "old hat". She is an excellent mother, and on top of the family's dynamic. She is the epitome of a military wife - independent, strong and in-control. You watch your soldier leave, and while you miss them terribly and worry about their safety, you go on with the "normal" part of your life, counting the days until he returns home.

This week's events have made me wake up, out of the fog, and feel the reality. What it feels like to have someone you know die at war.

Wednesday, more than 24 hours later, I was still crying from the news. I laid in my bed Wednesday afternoon, sobbing. It hit harder than any death I've heard about in many years.

There are many reasons for my sadness. He was too young, he was such a cool guy, a great dad, someone fun to hang out with. He was a great soldier with many years left to lead. But I really think that the reason I was so upset was the shock of it all.

All I can think, admittedly selfishly, is that I know that her experience is one that I could be exposed to at anytime. Receiving that knock on the door, as a man in uniform comes to tell you the worst news you could ever want to hear.
As I mentioned in a previous post, he is the first fallen soldier that I have actually had human interaction with. And not just interaction, but friendship.

It sucks. And though I have gotten the sobbing under control, the sadness lingers on. And it will for some time.

I guess I just needed to talk about it. Thanks for listening.

When you lose a hero...

2009-10-28T07:06:00.003-10:00

I received some extremely troubling news yesterday. A good friend of ours lost her soldier husband in Iraq yesterday.

These are friends we've known for over 10 years. We met them in Germany and were very close. Over the years since, our Army travels have taken us to different places, but we have stayed in close contact with them. Many good times were shared.

I don't know the details of his death - when, how, and of course we'll never know why. (If I knew, I doubt that I would post such troubling personal details.)

I haven't seen this solider in probably 4 years. But his death hit me hard.

I have to admit that I do not know anyone personally that has lost a servicemember to the war.

Not until yesterday, that is.

I don't know exactly how to handle the news. First and foremost, I wanted Jon to get the sudden urge to call me. (He's out of town this week...) I needed to hear his voice. Alas, I have no way to contact him, so I haven't been able to talk to him since I heard the news.

Then I just cried. And cried. And cried. I cried for my friend, who will have to move on without the person she loves most in the world.

I cried for her children, who love their father more than life and won't understand the reasons he gave his life for his country, at least not for many years.

And mostly I cried because I just don't understand. I mean, I'm not a fool. I know that sending our men and women in uniform to war (regardless of whether the President calls it a war) means that some of them won't come home. It's a sad reality.

But the reason that this soldier was called Home to be with God - it just doesn't compute. He was so young (35), a great officer, a personable, caring human being, and a family man. He was so funny, laughing all the time and making people feel warm and welcome.

My heart hurts today. I mean, I feel physical pain in my body. I haven't lost someone so close to me, so I don't know if that's what happens at a time like this. I feel helpless. There's nothing that I can do for my friend except to pray, and to tell her that I am here for her.

Somehow I know that's not enough. There's nothing that can make this loss easier for her.

I know she is a Christian, and that God will help her through. It won't be easy, or fast, but He will guide her. And she has a strong family that is probably already by her side.

I struggle to make sense of it, and then I realize that there is no sense. It just is.

We're not always meant to understand why things happen. We're just meant to trust that there is a reason why, and that God will guide us through the hardship that it might create.

It is a powerful lesson for me, and it brings my ridiculous job issues into focus. There are so many MUCH more important things than a job.

Now if Jon would only call, so I could hear the sound of his voice and be comforted by the person that I love the most in the world. It's selfish, in light of my friend's recent devastation, but I think it's normal to feel this way.

Please pray for my friend as she is forced to deal with what I am sure is the hardest thing she's ever had to face. Please ask God to help her navigate this territory and give her the strength she needs to get through the emotions, the Army paperwork, the sadness, the weeks of uncertainty to come.

Fallen soldier, the Heffners are thinking of you and your family today. Thank you for your selfless service to our country.

A grateful nation humbly appreciates the ultimate sacrifice you made.

Alissa's new hair...

2009-10-19T20:47:00.004-10:00

Alissa had her hair dyed yesterday. I must say, I think it's really, really pretty. (I am biased, I know...)

She loves it, it makes her feel less "white" here among all her Island friends. Her friends don't treat her differently because she's from the Mainland, but they comment all the time that her hair is blonde. (It isn't, but when your friends all have jet black hair, I guess light brown can pass for blonde.) I guess this bothers her, and she is constantly looking for fairly innocent ways to shake up her life a little bit.

Anyway, she wanted to dye her hair dark. She is a free spirit, constantly re-inventing herself. (Most of you are aware of her off-again, on-again vegetarianism...) I convinced her not to go too dark, but darker than what she currently had.

I figure that if dyeing her hair is the most rebellious thing she's into right now, I really can't say no. (Besides, I used to bleach my hair when I was her age, so I would be calling the kettle black.)

She got a semi-permanent dye, so it will wash out in 4-6 weeks. Our neighbor, and good friend, Kim, who dyes her own hair, came over to perform the procedure. (I offered, but Alissa didn't fully trust me, I don't think. And, since Kim dyes her own hair she had me in the experience department.) If Alissa likes the color she has, she can go more permanent next time...

Judge for yourself. If you like it, send her an email and let her know. She'd love to hear it!

Sometimes I forget how beautiful it is here...

2009-10-16T12:01:00.002-10:00

So, I haven't been jogging in 2 weeks. I lost all my motivation. Well, most of it. I felt a pang of guilt for not being out there, but not enough for me to get up off the couch and stop watching movies with Alissa or whatever else I could find to distract me.

Yesterday I decided, things had to change. I put my sports bra on when I woke up. Determined to get back out there. And I did, but not until 2:00 pm. The younger girls are out of school this week, and they probably would be fine if I went for a jog for an hour, but they've been bickering and I didn't want to risk it.

As I turned the 3rd corner on my usual route, and started to pass the open air of the Kapolei Golf Course, I saw it.

To most it looks like a golf course view with a pretty fountain and some palm trees.

For me, it was a visual reminder of the beauty that Hawaii offers. And the inspiration I needed to just stop whining and start moving again.

Look, I still eat too much junk and I won't become a size 2 by jogging. But jogging has given me something else. It's given me something for Tiffany.

My job keeps me confined at home. While I LOVE that, working here, and don't want to jinx it, it also means that there are many, many days when I don't leave the house at all except to shuttle kids to and from school.

So jogging gets me out of the house. And with the volume that I set my iPod to, all my thoughts are drowned out. (There's no room for worries or stress when Chris Daughtry is serenading me at full volume.)

Hawaii is, in some ways, just like any other place we've ever lived. There is work and school and laundry and traffic.

But there is a majestic beauty here. (Not in all neighborhoods, but we're lucky because Kapolei is still so beautiful and clean.) It is sometimes forgotten as I sit day after day in front of this computer, wondering if I will have a job in 6 months.

It felt great when I got back. Some of my neighbors were outside, and they knew I hadn't been out in a couple weeks. What encouragement I felt when they waved and smiled. I was dripping from sweat - it's stinking hot here at 2:00! But it was a great feeling.

A feeling that I didn't even realize that I'd been missing.

And, we got the flyer for the Great Aloha Run - they've assigned a date. So now I gotta get back out there! No excuses.

I'm back.

Happy Weekend everyone!

The holidays are coming...

2009-10-14T10:25:00.008-10:00

Alissa hanging the lights over the garage...

It's that time of year. A holiday every month. My favorite time of year.

I think because there is so much to celebrate.

Yesterday Alissa put up Halloween lights outside. Yes, I said Alissa. She is the official "light hanger" in the family. Last year she put up the Christmas lights both inside and outside. She had a ball doing it, and they looked fantastic.

This year we decided to put out lights for Halloween. Alissa, the brave soul, got on the ladder and hung them over the garage. Then we had the bright idea to hang some on the 2nd level. Alissa readily offered to climb up onto the roof.

(I remember doing that as a kid, at the old house, but now as an adult I would be simply terrified.)

She got up there, but the lights weren't cooperating. About that time, our neighbor came over and suggested that maybe we hang them inside, on the 2nd floor windows, because the wind is unpredictable this time of year. So, the upstairs lights went inside the house. The house looks cool all lit up - I'll see if I can get a decent picture tonight. We have more elaborate decorations, but we'll put them out on Trick-or-Treat day (so they don't get swiped). I'll post pictures after Trick-or-Treat...

Halloween is a holiday that all 5 Heffners enjoy. The costumes will be complete this weekend (I'm making 2 of them), and we're planning a party with our Hawaii Ohana. It'll be a blast!

After Halloween comes Thanksgiving, of course. Jon will be away again, so it's up to the girls and me to devise a plan for what we want to do that day. You'll recall that the plan for last year was to spend it at the beach, which we did. I'm thinking that that plan will hold for this year as well. It won't be exactly the same - Jay and Lucie won't be here, and there's no potluck - but we'll pack a cooler and make our own day.

And then there's Christmas. My favorite holiday, for so many reasons. (More posts on this in the near future...)

Enjoy these photos of Alissa's light-hanging skills. Happy Wednesday!

Alissa on the roof

Too scary for Mom to do...

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday...

2009-10-07T08:58:00.000-10:00

Haven't posted in a week. Jon's away TDY, so I haven't been sleeping well. I never do when he's gone. I hear every little noise at night, and the room seems so empty with him not here. You'd think after 15+ years of living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, and having him gone for 1/3 of that, that I would be used to it. I should be welcoming the opportunity to:

choose what channel the TV is on;
get to sleep on more than 1/5 of the bed;
turn the air conditioner a little warmer at night...

I'm telling ya folks, it never gets easier to watch the person that you love most in the world board a plane. I don't care where he's going or for how long, it stinks every single time. I didn't cry this time, so at least that's something.

Guess I'd better get used to it - he'll be gone off and on for the better part of the next 4-5 months...

Anyway, the kids and I take the opportunity when Jon's gone to do some of the things that he never seems to be interested in. They're all on break from school this week, and since our trip to the Mainland fell through (don't get me started...), I decided to take a couple of days off anyway and spend some time with them. It is too apparent to me that these kids are growing way too fast and I want to make some more Hawaii memories with them.

On Saturday, I took them to the Hale Koa in town. (Hale Koa is the really nice military hotel downtown.) If you're a DoD ID card-holder, there are many amenities that you can take advantage of. One advantage is the pool.

Yes, we live by the ocean and lots of amazing beaches. But as I mentioned in a previous post, I am totally over vacuuming sand out of the van every week and stepping on sand in the laundry room and feeling the sand in my scalp and other (unmentionable) places, even after 3 days worth of showers.

The pool at the Hale Koa isn't remarkable, except for the fact that it is: (1) pretty large for a hotel pool, (2) extremely kid-friendly, (3) usually not cold, even in "winter", and (4) almost never crowded. We went last Saturday for 5 hours, and most of that time there were less than 20 families there. (That's nothing for a pool of that size.)

Monday we went to the waterpark. Again, maybe not remarkable to those who have been to The Beach in Ohio or to Blizzard Beach in Orlando. But to us it is a fabulous time every time. It's literally right down the street, less than 2 miles. And it's fun. My kids are all old enough that I don't have to worry about them not touching the bottom of the pool, and they are all brave in the water. But they know their limits. Abby LOVES the waves, and she knows exactly how far she can go before it's not safe. The girl amazes me with her intuition. This time we took a picnic lunch and tailgated in the parking lot. As boring as PB&J and juice boxes may sound, it was a memory that I hold dear. We made friends in the parking lot who shared homemade brownies, and we listened to Alissa's iPod with them and enjoyed some company.

Those annual waterpark passes have paid for themselves 10 times over...An investment I'd make again in a heartbeat...

Besides having fun with the kids, not much else is new. No news on the job front, except that it's definitely happening. The timelines keep changing and so I just pray and pray about it. That I can somehow find another position with them that will allow me to work from home a little longer, until Abby's a little older (my first choice), or that I can at least work until next summer when we move. Though I still think about it and pray about it and stress about it, I have truly come to (some) peace. That it will be OK. I like working and contributing to the family, and I have always been blessed to receive God's help when I've asked him to help me find a job. Always. So I continue to remember that. That He will help me - somehow, sometime, some way.

The kids are great. Growing like weeds. Alissa's 15 now. It astounds me. I have a 15-year old! How can that be???? Wasn't I just 15 myself last week?

I have been getting a LOT of questions lately about the next move. Believe me, it's on my mind, too. This will be the hardest move we've ever made, for lots of reasons. The kids are now all old enough to remember this place, and their friends, and their life. They'll be happy to be back on Mainland soil and closer to our Ohio Ohana (because let's face it, anywhere on the Mainland is closer to Ohio than here...) Despite that, they won't be completely happy to go.

And I won't either.

Don't get me wrong. I will be ready to go. After 2 years I am always chomping at the bit to move - it's what Army life does to you. But it will be hard to leave a place where I haven't worn jeans in 2 years and where I can sit outside and feel the ocean breeze any time of day. It will be super hard, maybe a little unbearable, to leave my Paiaha Ohana, who have become new, strong, growing branches on our military family tree. It will be hard to leave this street, where we know almost everyone and they all look out for each other. There are so many things to miss about this place.

Despite all that, it will be time to go.

When and if there is news, I will be sure to let you know. (Maybe not on the blog - depends on how private the news is.) But it's gonna be a while. I know we're all anxious to hear about what our new adventure will be, but it's gonna be at least a few more months. Especially since Jon will be in and out and not available for most of the late fall/early winter.

Happy Wednesday all. Leave me a note - I'd love to hear from you!

Alissa is 15 today!

2009-09-29T07:08:00.000-10:00

Happy 15th birthday today to my oldest daughter, Alissa. Fifteen years have flown by.

Fifteen years ago, I remember being a young, scared new mom, with a beautiful new baby and a husband about to move halfway around the world. I remember praying that I would do a good job and wondering if I had what it took to be a good mom, especially so young.

You and I were inseparable for the first 3 years of your life. Dad was gone a lot and it was just you and me. I loved those days. I mean, they were tough. You hated to sleep!

I am so proud of the young lady you are becoming. You are confident, happy, caring, funny, smart and beautiful. You are a great student, a great leader, and a good role model to your 2 younger sisters, who watch your every move and wish they could be a teenager like you.

Your life is full of challenges right now. High school in itself is challenging. Add to that your Class President role, your military brat lifestyle, and our plan to move again this summer (and sending you to your 8th school by the time you reach 11th grade.) You handle life like a champ - taking every challenge, every situation, and you make it yours. There is nothing you can't do!

As you grow, and need Mom less and less on a daily basis, please know that I am always here in the background of your life. Always available to you, always loving you and being there for you.

You (and your sisters) are the greatest joy in my life. My firstborn child, you changed me when you joined my life. You made me something I never thought I would be. Something wonderful.

Your mom. A role I am honored to have.

We have complimented each other over the years. And today I am profoundly proud and blessed to wish you a Blissful 15th Birthday. If you see me cry off and on today, it is not from sadness.

It is because I love you so much. And I guess I never realized how beautiful your life could be. You are blessed, and it fills my heart.

I love you more than I could ever put into words. But you know that.

Have an amazing birthday today!

I got 5K yesterday....

2009-09-21T10:02:00.000-10:00

Ok, that's a little deceptive. But I liked the title.

Alissa and I ran a 5K race in downtown Honolulu yesterday. It was the Nike 5K for Kids race. Almost all of Alissa's 10th grade PE peers attended, because they get school credit for it, and the proceeds of their entrance fee went directly back to their school.

Since Alissa had so many friends there, we separated at the very beginning of the race. She preferred to walk it with her friends, and I set out to jog as long as I could.

I crossed the finish line at 7:48, 48 minutes after I started.

It was a grand day, for many reasons:

A race by the ocean, how cool is that?
I ran 3.1 miles in 48 minutes. I was thrilled with the time. Yes, I have room for improvement. But I did it.
I ran about 75% of the race, slowing to a walk for just a couple of short distances.
It was a beautiful day.
I RAN A 5K race!

Those who know me know that I don't exactly have a runner's body. I am a little top-heavy, which has always precluded me from ever even trying to run. But about a year ago I started jogging, little by little. And I have continued it for almost a year now.

Jon has run in many races here in Hawaii. He is an avid runner and loves the feel of being in a race. I planned to run in one, but have always chickened out at the last minute.

Yesterday was an accomplishment for me. Who ever thought I would run in an organized event, ever??

It felt great. But today my thighs burn as I walk down the stairs. I guess maybe I should have started running earlier in life.

Yesterday makes me want to run again, and even more seriously this time. I will look for another short race or 2, to prepare me for the Great Aloha Run in February. That one I am definitely enrolling in.

It was a fantastic day. I'm proud of both of us.

Happy Monday!!

Crib quilts, babies, Park Day and fun

2009-09-15T08:45:00.000-10:00

Last Friday we had our weekly Park Day. There's a gated park at the end of my street that has a couple of play areas and a ton of grass (for frisbees, football or kite-flying).

When I first moved here, there was a group of women who met there with their kids on Fridays after school to hang out and talk (while the kids played and ran around). They called it "Park Day". The gal who sort of organized the whole thing (we'll call her "Q") was an uber-homemaker who baked something every day, so she always brought cookies or something. The women brought lawn chairs and juice boxes and scooters, and a fun afternoon was had by all.

Well, "Q" moved last June (2008) and as new people came to the neighborhood, I encouraged them to come to Park Day. I was welcomed there, and it was fun. However, when "Q" moved, Park Day changed. The ladies who had always been there weren't as welcoming as "Q" had been, and they openly showed their disdain for the newcomers. (To this day I'm not sure that I was ever really welcomed, I believe that those ladies probably said some mean things about me when I wasn't around...) They made the new folks visibly uncomfortable. So, Park Day disbanded - unofficially.

About a month or so ago, my Paiaha Ohana suggested resurrecting Park Day - but with a new twist. This would be much more casual, more friendly and welcoming to whomever wanted to come. All you needed was a chair, a smile, and some sunglasses (because the sun shines brighter in the park, I think). We gathered in the Park for that first new Park Day, and fun was had by all.

So, the tradition continues!

And last Friday was the best of all (so far). We had 8 families represented,which was fantastic. Many of the dads also came. (That was rare with the old Park Day - too much gossip...) In addition to normal laughter, there was a small birthday party for one of the kids. To see her face light up while blowing out candles with her Ohana around, it was precious.

We decided to bring dinner-type foods, too. As we've been staying at the park until dark, the kids were too tired to eat a proper dinner (and so their Friday night dinners had consisted of cookies and cheese puffs and whatever else the moms had grabbed on the way out the door...) I don't think dinner will be a weekly event, but it sure was fun. The kids ate a little better, and moms didn't worry what they'd do about dinner when Park Day was over...

Two of the moms are expecting babies before the end of the year (one is expecting a boy, the other a girl). One mom invited Alissa and I to feel her tummy. It's been a LONG time since I've felt a baby bump. It was sweet and precious and so wonderful. To be so close to this mom that she'd share that with us was priceless. And we felt the baby's head!! It was so cool.

These are memories that I want to hold onto forever. To keep in my heart to remember our days here in Hawaii. How the folks we met became a part of our life and grew to be very special to us. I document them here so I will have them many years from now, to remind me of those people, their generosity. Of Penny's super-funny stories and how I look forward to them. Of the baby bumps (and the new babies that will soon join our weekly festivities). Of the Thursdays every week and how I can't wait for one more day, for Friday, because I know what's coming. Stories and laughter and hugs from all the kids, not just the ones that belong to you. A group of more than just neighbors - a group of true friends.

Ohana who read this, you all mean so much to me. I have never lived anywhere where neighbors meant this much. Where all 100 of our kids could play together, and run together, and be together. Hawaii has a whole new meaning for me because you are part of that experience.

Thank you!

So, for the 2 moms-to-be, I made baby blankets. You may remember the one I made for my sister back in July. I fell in love with it. It wasn't perfect, but it sure turned out pretty cool in my opinion.

I gave them the blankets on Friday at Park Day:

for the girl baby, whose nursery is pink and chocolate:

for the boy baby, whose nursery is shades of blue:

Now I just need an excuse to make another one. I love doing it. I am really working up to making one for my own bed. But I need a few smaller ones under my belt first. And they're so stinking cute!

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Leave me a note. And if you know anyone who might like a baby blanket....

Brady

2009-09-02T13:52:00.000-10:00

He is 11 days old today. This picture is a couple of days old, but you can see how sweet he is. What a blessing, a new life in the family.

I remember once, several years (and grandchildren) ago, my dad made a statement that he wanted to have 10 grandchildren. I don't know if he remembers saying this, and he'd probably deny it, but that statement stuck with me for some reason. There might have been 6 grandchildren in the family then...I can't remember, but I'm fairly certain it was before Abby was born, so that would have been sometime before 2003. Ten seemed like a large number back then, because I certainly wasn't planning to have any more kids. (Thankfully God disagreed with me...)

Anway, Brady makes #10 of the Diamond grandchildren. And he is such a welcome addition to the clan. I am overjoyed that my sister has a son. (And I can't wait to meet him!)

Enjoy...

It's almost September...

2009-08-31T14:13:00.000-10:00

Man, 2009 has gone by really quickly. Seems that just yesterday my sister told me she was expecting, and now little Brady is over 1 week old! Jay and Lucie have been back in Canada for 3 months now. We've been in this house for almost a year! Alissa will be 15(!!) in just a few short weeks, and it's almost the end of the first grading period already.

I am amazed at the speed that 2009 picked up. I guess it's all that wishing on my part for 2010 to get here so we can PCS already.

Don't get me wrong. Hawaii is fine. Great, even. I enjoy the beach and the warm sunshine, and the green grass and beautiful flowers, and I LOVE wearing a tank top and shorts everyday. (I hate wearing jeans!) I've actually turned into an outdoor-person - I look for reasons to be outside. I even like mowing the lawn and pulling weeds, because it means I can be outside.

And, I am so grateful for all the really wonderful friends we've made, who've become our Hawaii 'Ohana and who mean so much to us. It's been a great 20 months. (20 months! Already?)

But, it's crazy expensive here and so far from home.

2009 has been a year full of things happening on the mainland without me - namely, Brady's birth. Oh, how I wanted to be there. I see his adorable pictures and I think to myself - "It will be just like with my other 2 sisters' kids - he won't know us. We'll be strangers." My other sister has an almost-9-year-old, who loves Alex but doesn't really talk to me at all. I think I scare him a little, because he knows my name but he doesn't really know me.

That stinks. As hard as we try, sometimes the distance just gets in the way.

So, I am ready for this move to happen. Whenever it happens.

On other notes, Brady is doing great. He's such a doll. I'll see if I can get permission to post a pic so everyone can see him.

The girls are doing awesome. The school year is going well, and we're all settled into a routine. Abby's ballet starts up again this week, and I am once again trying to get the younger 2 into Girl Scouts. (Getting into Girl Scouts is an ordeal here.)

Jon's got a stress fracture in his leg. He's doing fine, and expects a full recovery, but he's been sidelined by the Army from running for a few weeks.

Otherwise, things are fine. Same old same old. No news on the job front, but I'm maintaining my positive attitude. It'll all be OK one way or another. And surprisingly, I am learning to let it go. It's just a job, right?

I'm working on another quilt - actually 2. I'll post pictures when they're complete. I think I've been hit by the quilting bug. It's actually fun to do, and the finished results are really great. I'm working my way up so that I can make one for my bed. (in shades of green, of course - I've already bought the fabric for it...)

Leave me a message, blog readers! Happy Monday!

I'm going to be an aunt again, any minute now...

2009-08-22T07:05:00.000-10:00

My sister Shari called me last night. Seems that my other sister Laurie, 39 weeks pregnant, went into labor around dinner time (East Coast). They went to the hospital last night and she was in active labor.

So, I barely slept. Terri and Shari and Mom and everyone else promised to keep us Hawaii-folk informed. We got a text at 1:30 our time saying that Laurie was dilated to 9 and they were going to push soon. The doctors said that the baby would be born by 10:00 am (which was 3 hours ago).

I didn't hear anything for several more hours, and I woke up every few minutes to make sure that my phone was still turned on.

Just a few minutes ago, I got a text that the baby is face-down and they are trying to turn him.

(Update: he's almost fully turned so hopefully it will be very, very soon.)

I don't understand why the doctors try things for hours and hours before they finally succumb to a c-section. When I was in labor with Abby, I pushed for 3 hours. (BTW, there was no way she was coming that way. Her head was way, way too big...) I started BEGGING them to give me a c-section.

Why isn't the threshold smaller - is it really safe to push so long? I do not claim to know anything about labor and what's safe and for how long, but I have always assumed that pushing for so long isn't healthy. (Maybe it is and I don't understand, but I can't imagine.)

I'm not there with my sister, she's over 6,000 miles from here. But I hear she's a real trooper and that it should be any moment now. She has a gaggle of family there with her, and we are there in spirit and in thought.

He's almost here, almost ready to join the world, to be held by my sister and her husband, and to become a physical part of the family.

I love you, Laurie and Dion, and we are anxiously awaiting your new arrival!

Summer's Over...

2009-08-18T08:04:00.000-10:00

Well,the girls are back settled into school now. They're into their 4th week already! I can't believe it. Some kids (on the mainland) haven't even started back and my kids are halfway through the 1st grading period.

Alex is doing great in middle school. She's really gotten the hang of changing classes and moving from building to building. She's taking "band", which isn't really band in 6th grade, but ukulele lessons. (You can't take real band until 7th grade here, for some strange reason...)

It's cool to hear her play songs on the ukulele. It reminds me that my kids are getting so much more than a mediocre education here. They're getting cultural immersion. They eat rice and li hing mui just like everyone else, they even try Spam! They're creating memories that most people won't get to have in their lifetimes. We're experiencing these things together. Things that I hope will stay with them for years, so they can share the stories with their own children and grandchildren.

Jon is busy, working toward the crazy travel season that is fall and winter. He's already scheduled for at least 3 trips between September and January. It's great for him, great experience and he really enjoys it. But these trips are long trips, and they fall on some really inconvenient dates: namely, Jon's 40th birthday in January. I had some grand ideas - travelling without the kids for a couple days, a great party, something. But he won't be here. Guess I will have to adjust my plans a little bit.

With school in full swing, the house is quiet everyday. I'm still working, but there is no bustle. There is peace, except for the blare of Chris Daughtry on my iPod. I find that the loud music makes me miss the kids just a little less, and it clears my head to concentrate on work tasks.

Alissa has started taking piano lessons with our neighbor (and good friend). She's been in lessons for about a month now, and she's really taken to it. She practices with dedication, and her instructor says she's picking up quickly. She's also busy with her Class President duties. There's a meeting every week, and she's required to take "Leadership" as one of her electives. She's currently designing the Sophomore Class Spirit T-shirt. I'm so proud of her. She's really taken this responsibility and run with it. She's always been confident, but this has given her some real tangible evidence, that she can not only do something well, but enjoy it too.

Last night was the high school open house. As Sophomore Class President, Alissa was required to speak at the opening events.

I was incredibly proud of her. She wasn't nervous at all, as she spoke to over 200 people. She showed enthusiasm about her role, and she looked incredibly cool and confident. She spoke about all the events planned for the year, and how she's tasked with designing a new Class of 2012 t-shirt, and she asked for her fellow classmates to get involved. Her advisor's husband works with Jon, so he and the advisor got talking. She explained how Alissa is a confident, hard-working, smart young lady who will make a difference to the class of 2012, even though we won't be here for 11th and 12th grade.

We, of course, already knew Alissa's ability and that she's a great kid. But hearing it from her teachers is a welcome blessing. It's nice to know that she's showing her good side at school :-).

As we approach the busy last months of 2009, I am reminded of all that I am blessed with - a job (at least for now), 3 incredible kids, a hard-working husband, a life in a warm, sunny place, and friends out there who mean so much to me. When I have a rough day, or worry about my employment, I remember that I have these things. Things that will carry me through if the job turns sour.

Happy Thursday!

A positive attitude...

2009-08-12T09:56:00.000-10:00

As you all know, I have been stressed out about this job situation for a while now.

Well, stressing doesn't make the situation better. It only makes my stomach upset, and it makes a lot of people wonder why I am in such a funk...

So, I finally decided that I would put it in God's hands. I read recently on Facebook, someone posted a note that said to be specific when you pray. Maybe I haven't been specific enough.

I figure that, in addition to being always being thankful for what I already have, I would be a little more specific when I prayed the next time.

And, you know, I haven't been stressing about the job so much over the last couple of days. Yes, it is still definitely on my mind. Yes, I am still doing my best to help myself through this situation.

But, I have opened up myself to allow for God's Will to be done. I said I would before, but I don't think I ever really did. I kept control of it, even though I really didn't have any control in the first place. I let it bother me, I let it sit there like a rock in my stomach where it wasn't helping me at all. In fact, it was hurting me. Hurting my family (because I let it rule my emotions...)

I personally believe what a pastor in Germany once stated in his sermon, that God knows what we need/want, and wants to help us. He's just waiting for us to ask. And I also believe that God will help me, in His time, in His way, and even if my prayer is not answered in the way I ask (no matter how specific I ask), that He will help me because I asked. (And because I try my best to walk through life the best way I can - being a good person with morals and compassion and love in my heart.)

I have always believed this. But, I let my fears and stresses get in the way and cloud what I know to be true.

The things I'm worrying about (read: my job and employment future) will turn out OK. Because I have asked for help, I know it will be OK.

And for some strange reason, even though I still don't know what will happen with my job or when, I have some peace inside me that says that it will be OK. There might be some trials to get to "OK", but we'll get there.

I felt the need to post this. Mainly for myself. To remind myself what my former manager used to tell me, that work is work and that it is never as important as the people you love.

Besides the job situation, life is good. The hurricane didn't hit us. (Well, it's raining a little bit now but that's totally OK with me. Lower water bill this month!) I killed yet another phone - 2 in the last 3 months! I sent it to an accidental watery grave...

So I finally bit the bullet last night and upgraded my phone to an iPhone.

(Did you hear that, Jay! I finally have a new phone, and even though it's not the one you wanted me to get, I finally made a choice...)

I have been hem-hawing about this stupid phone for almost 8 months. Last night I just sucked it up and did it.

I am in love. It is a great device. I already knew that because Alissa has had one since December and occasionally she lets me drool over it.

But I waited and waited. I'm not sure what I was waiting for. Waiting for life to go one way or the other. But I should know that waiting for things to change doesn't make them change. Isn't that what today's blog entry is all about??

So, here's to today and the miracle of Tiffany finally deciding that waiting for change won't make anything change. And deciding that things are going to be fine. With God's help, whenever the time is right, things will turn out fine.

Until then, life as normal, but with a little less stress. (Hopefully!)

Happy Wednesday!

The Shower Gift

2009-08-02T11:33:00.000-10:00

Well, now that my sister's shower is over, I can post the pictures of the gift that I sent.

It's a crib quilt. That I made. My very first quilt!

Front of quilt

Quilt folded so you can see the front and back at the same time

back of quilt - you can see the quilting lines on the back if you
look closely...

I am super proud of this quilt. It isn't without it flaws, but it was so super cute when it was finished.

My sister is doing the baby's room in camouflage, and her hubby is in the Army National Guard (National Guard? Reserves? I always get them confused.) I don't know if the camouflage actually matches the nursery. I hope it does!

I wanted her to have something personal from me. And a blanket is something that seemed appropriate. I cried when it was finished, because it looked nice and the idea of it just felt right.

And it sort of got me started with the quilting bug. I've already started a second one. Maybe I'll eventually be able to work my way up to grown-up size quilts. :-)

I'll continue to post more pictures as my new hobby flourishes...

Happy Sunday!

OH--IO!!

2009-08-01T06:45:00.000-10:00

Man, am I missing Ohio lately. I remember being homesick when we first moved to Germany. It didn't feel like this, though. This isn't homesickness, I don't think.

It's more like missing the people in Ohio that I love so much.

Today is a special day for my sister. She's having a baby shower. For her first baby. A baby she wanted so much, and tried for for a long time. He's almost here, and it's time to celebrate!

Everyone in the city's going to be there, it seems. My other sister, who is hosting, said that 60+ people will be there.

I'm sad to miss such a special, wonderful day in her life. I know that with 60 other people there, we wouldn't have gotten much of a chance to talk anyway. She's the center of attention today, as she should be, and everyone's eyes will be on her.

I just wanted so badly to be there. In the same room.

But, 3 kids in their first week back to school, a demanding job (with an uncertain future) and a husband at the whim of the Army prohibit a trip back to the Mainland right now. It just wasn't able to happen.

I am there in spirit. My heart is there. And can't wait to see the photos.

I miss those people. So much! (You can tell from my last 2 or 3 posts, can't you?)

Laurie, I love you so much. Have a wonderful day! We're with you there in spirit for sure, and I am certain that we'll see you sooner than we think. I can feel it.

Big hugs from Hawaii!

Back to School, Back to School...

2009-07-27T06:45:00.000-10:00

Abby and Alex this morning

first day of 1st grade and 6th grade, respectively

The two youngest kids go back to school today. I know, I know, it isn't even August yet. Most kids are only halfway through their summer break.

For my children, it's different. Here in Hawaii, or at least on the side of the island that we live on, school is year-round. So my kids go 8 weeks on, 3 weeks off, with 2 weeks at Christmas and 5 weeks for summer.

It was weird at first, but now we've gotten used to it and everything's OK. It's sort of better this way. They barely have time to get restless here at home, and then school starts up again. It's easier to get back into a school and bedtime routine, because they didn't have 11 weeks to get that out of their system.

It doesn't make me miss them less, though.

Today, of course, I teared up a little when I dropped Abby off, and then again when I dropped Alex off. Alex started middle school today, a whole new world. I knew she was a little nervous, but today at breakfast she was as calm as a cucumber, and she walked calmly to her first class. I know she'll be fine, and find her friends right away, and get down to business.

But part of me aches that these kids are growing so fast.

I saw a commercial yesterday for Wal-mart. A mom was taking her freshman to college, and she helped her get her drab dorm room all spiced up with bedding and other items from Wal-mart. The mom (in narration) said something like, "I don't want to let her go, but I know I've given her everything she needs to get started..."

The mom meant she gave her items from Wal-mart, but I heard the hidden meaning, too. I said out loud, to no one in particular, "That'll be me in 3 years." Neither Jon or Alissa looked up to see what I was talking about. I have no idea how I will walk away and leave her, even if she's at our Alma Mater (yay!). And that's 3 years down the road. Heck, I can barely leave my 1st grader and walk away, when I know I'll see her again in 6 hours!

Yes, I am a baby. A mess. Worrying about things that are not important right now. But it's in the back of my mind every single day. Every day.

And now, with the new school year starting, time for college is even closer. Alissa is a 10th grader!! How can that be?

My heart is missing Ohio today. It stinks being so far from home. My sister's baby shower is this weekend, and I can't be there. Laurie, I sent you a gift to be opened at the shower. Please write me and let me know how you like it. Everyone else, I'll post a picture after the shower. I am so, so proud of this particular gift, but I don't want to spoil the surprise...

We're missing a lot, being in Hawaii. Yes, it's Hawaii and the weather is nice. But I know that life is moving on without us back home, and we can't come back for a long weekend like we could in Tennessee. When it's time to move, I'll be ready.

We won't know our future for another 6 months or so, but if we can move to anywhere on the mainland, it will make me happy. Truthfully, I don't care where the next duty station is anymore. As long as we're on the mainland, we'll be closer to home.

Home. "The place where I belong..." as sung by Chris Daughtry. I don't regret the life we've chosen, or the places we've been. But with new life entering the family, I feel further away from home than ever before.

I'll be home soon (for a visit), Ohio family and friends. 11 months and counting...

Happy Monday!

Random Thoughts...

2009-07-20T08:01:00.000-10:00

Wow, it's been a month since my last post. Who said that summer is filled with "lazy days"? Certainly not someone who had a full-time job, 3 active kids, and a hubby who never seems to be around. The Army demands so much of his time lately.

So much has happened in the last month. Not big, big things. Just life.

We had visitors for 2 weeks in June. Jon's sister, her hubby and 2 teenage girls. (I'll keep their names private since I didn't ask permission to post about them...) I guess because we don't see them everyday, I was unprepared. These girls are so grown and beautiful! The oldest drives now, which is heart-wrenching for me. I first met her when she was around 8 months old. Man does time fly! They were a lot of fun to be around. Everyday we were busy! (We planned it that way - trying to fit in as much sightseeing/activity/etc. as possible...) I hope they had as much fun as we did.

I'll post some of the pictures later, in a slideshow. Blogger makes it a lot harder to post pictures than I'd like...

As well as time with the kids, I really feel that Jon's sister and I got some QT (quality-time) in, where we could. I thank her for that. Just little conversations here and there, but it's been a long time since we've been able to do that. Since I'm the oldest in my family, she is the closest to an older sister that I will ever have. She may not know (until she reads this) that I am so incredibly grateful for that. We shared stories with each other, and the kids. It was neat to hear her tell my children the story of how Jon and I spent a weekend in his hometown, after dating only 2 months or so. As we drove away, back to college, Jon's mom declared that we were going to spend our lives together, that I was the person Jon would choose to share his life. I've heard this story before, but for some reason it sounded so much more beautiful this time. And hearing it with my children gave it a whole new meaning.

After our guests left, we had a crazy fun July 4th bbq. Jon loves to throw a get-together, and he decided at the last minute to gather the neighbors and have everyone over that didn't already have plans. We probably had 35 people here. Alissa organized Bingo (with prizes from Target!), we had wine and great food, and Jon gave us a great fireworks show when the sun went down. It was a marvelous time with friends - our Hawaii 'Ohana. The only thing missing was Jay and Lucie. I hope they know, as their house still sits empty and untouched, that they are truly missed (physically).

July itself has just been full of life events - doctor/dentist appointments, Leadership Camp for Alissa, back-to-school preparations, and fitting in as much time together as we can.

Yesterday Jon and I took Alissa to the new Harry Potter movie. It was so sweet, the 3 of us. We haven't done that since 2002! It was a fun time, a superb movie, and great bonding with my oldest child. I'm so grateful for those moments, knowing that soon she ventures out on her own and I won't be able to see her as much as I'd like.

Work is still the same - this move looming over my head and consuming all my thoughts. (Long story short: my job, and those of my 40+ teammates, are moving to Iowa. If you choose not to move, you will most likely find yourself unemployed.) Obviously I cannot move without the Army's permission, at least not for another 5-7 years. So, I pray everyday for a positive outcome - hopefully a reprieve, somehow. I do like working for my employer so much, and I don't want it to end. I don't even care about raises, or job titles, or any of that. I care about career longevity and being able to continue to work from home. That means more to me than anything, to be able to work from home until Jon retires. I have never wanted anything more. (well, except for a happy, healthy, loving family, which I already have) I hope that God hears my prayers and helps me find the cloud's silver lining...

And lastly, it's time to start planning the next move. Seems to soon, yes? I agree. I can't believe 18 months have come and gone. But, it's time to decide. Do we leave early or stay longer? There are pros and cons to each. And everytime I think I have my mind made up, we reconsider the other option. It's the toughest decision we've had to face regarding a move. Usually the Army decides for us, and whatever they decide we just go with. But this time, with a high-schooler, and a Class President at that, we have more to consider than in moves past. For the first time, Alissa's position in life really takes a big precedence in what we decide. We've known that since 2007, that we'd have to make a decision one way or the other. But who knew the decision would be this hard? I pray everyday for God's assistance with this one, because there are so many factors - will I get to stay employed with my current employer? Will Jon be promoted next year as we hope and expect? Will Alissa want to try for Class President again next year? My employment plays a huge factor. I pray that it works out in our favor, no matter whether we decide to move or stay. Staying employed with them is in my prayers everyday.

If we move, we'll be looking to move in about 11 months. Seems so crazy to hear those words out loud. I mean, we move on average every 2 1/2 to 3 years, so this shouldn't be a shock, but since the kids are older, this potential move will be hard. In addition, we have met some amazing people here. I mean people who I hope will be in our lives forever, even though we'll never be neighbors again, and maybe never even live in the same part of the country! I believe that our Hawaii experience has been exponentially greater because we met these families and opened our homes and hearts to them. It's made our time in Hawaii that much more wonderful, and that much more special.

So, hopefully as the kids get back into school (next week!!!), I will be able to get back to more regular posting. I fully intend to get back to it. It's therapeutic for me, and a great reminder of our adventures over the last year and a half.

Happy Monday!

Happy Birthday Abby!

2009-06-18T14:49:00.000-10:00

Abby on the first day of Kindergarten, 7/24/08

Happy, Happy Birthday to my beautiful Abby. She turned 6 yesterday. I can't believe it, my baby is 6! (This post is a day late because we had visitors arrive from the Mainland and after settling them in and having birthday cake, it was bedtime...)

Just yesterday she was a smiling baby, a precocious toddler, an amazingly smart pre-schooler, and now she's preparing to enter the first grade. Where do the years go?

Abby is a child that we never expected to have (although I thank God everyday for bringing her to us). They say that military families who spend time in Germany come home with either (1) a cuckoo clock, (2) a schrank - a big wall unit like an entertainment center, or (3) a baby. In 2001, we came home from Germany with #1, so we assumed we were done expanding the family.

Then September 11 happened. We lived in Ohio, not near a military community, but Jon's job with the Army Reserves got busier and busier. As he assisted units to prepare for deployment to Iraq and Afganistan, he was taken away from home more and more, for longer and longer stretches of time.

In September 2002, he came home for literally one night between units. And that night we were blessed with Abby.

Abby is a remarkable child. Like our other 2, she is kind, compassionate, funny, smart, and beautiful.

She is also the "baby". The last child to enter the family.

We still cuddle every day, and I am thankful for the moments that she climbs onto my lap and hugs me tight. Because, I've seen with her sisters that children grow up. And, though they still love you fiercely, the days of snuggling change to hugs, smiles, and text messages. I am grateful that she is still small enough to be carried to bed, and put up on my shoulders as we navigate the mall or climb DiamondHead crater.

Someday she too will be a teenager, with her own agenda and no time for snuggling.

For now she is my cuddle partner. Lucky for me, she will always be my baby, my Abby.

I love you, Abby. You have completed the family, and I am so blessed to be your mom.

It's June, and that means vacation!

2009-06-10T00:03:00.000-10:00

OK, so I am up late. Really, really late. I am waiting for a work process to finish (and I don't think it's going to end well.) So, while my other computer tries to do what it needs to do, I thought I would post an entry.

Not much going on at Casa Heffner lately. I have been working a crapload of overtime. Seventeen hours last week and seven already this week. It is draining. Mentally, physically, psychologically. I'm not as young as I'd like to think I am, and it's tough staying up all night, staring at a computer screen and/or listening to a conference call. My workday started at 4 am yesterday (well, still today for me), and I'm still tied to the computer.

Don't get me wrong. I really like my job. I am just nearing the stages of burnout. We used to have 5 people on the team. Now we're down to 3 (not by our choice), and we've all basically doubled our workload.

On top of that, my company is reorganizing and that means big, big changes. To protect myself, and not say more than I should, I'll just leave it at that. For now. Just say a prayer. I like my job, and don't want it to change.

On the homefront, Jon is home. It's a blessing. I miss him when he's away. And he's away a LOT. Abby's 6th birthday is in a week. The teacher stopped me today to tell me that Abby wrote in her daily journal about her dance recital last month and that she was nervous but loves ballet. My baby wrote that! The teacher said she had goose bumps from Abby's entry. These kids are so smart, and they're growing right before my eyes. Alex graduates from 5th grade, and officially becomes a middle-schooler in 2 weeks. What happened? These kids were just babies, and now they are independent, strong, confident children. And Alissa, well, she is a typical teenager on summer break - bored, sleeps til noon, and breathtaking. She is funny and smart and so pretty. These girls are my everything. They are why I slave away at a job that doesn't appreciate me. They are why I do my best everyday, to be a good wife, mom, and a good Tiffany.

Jon said in passing at a graduation party this weekend - "This will be us in 3 years." Can it be? We'll have a high school graduate in 3 years. And a new Bobcat in the family. I am secretly thrilled that ALissa wants to go to Ohio U. It is one of my favorite places in the world, and the idea that she might go there and make her own memories has me bursting with pride.

Well, the process on my other computer finished, but not as I hoped. (I feared that.) Better get to bed because I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be paged at 4:00 am for the 3rd day in a row. (4:00 am is less than 4 hours away from right now.)

Thank goodness I have some time off coming soon. I need a nice, long nap!

Talk to you all soon.

They've moved on...

2009-06-02T10:19:00.000-10:00

So, you remember that I posted a while back that some dear friends of ours received orders to move off-island? Some of you guessed who it was, and you were right.

Well, this past Saturday Jay and Lucie moved back to Canada. (For Jay: CA-NA-...)

It wasn't as hard that day as I expected. I expected a lot of waterworks. I think that I held in my emotions, for fear of a complete mental breakdown. I didn't cry that day.

But, since then, as I drive by their empty house several times a day, and see the open shades and darkness (because I know the house is empty, and they're not coming back), I am flooded with emotion. I miss them. I miss knowing they are down the street, ready for a barbecue, a laugh, a movie, an '80s Night.

No more knocks on the door, no more calls from My Imperial Leader down the street. Instead, the calls will be coming from across the ocean.

Moving sucks. It's hard, stressful, complicated, unknown, and very discombobulated.

But it sucks more when you are the one(s) left behind.

I know that Jay and Lucie will always be in our lives, and in our hearts. I have no doubt that we will see them in person again.

But not for a long time.

Jay and Lucie, in case there's any doubt: The Heffners love you very much. We miss you already. You will ALWAYS have a place in my heart. Saturday was not goodbye. It was "Until next time..."

Your Paiaha Ohana misses you.

Saying Goodbye to a Beloved Friend...

2009-05-24T21:45:00.000-10:00

Our dog, Nugget, died this weekend at the age of nearly 13...

We got Nugget from a pet store in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, in 1996. (Back then, the pet stores in KY sold pets that weren't full-breeds. He was from a litter from a local family dog.) He was supposed to be Alissa's dog - a gift for her 2nd birthday. That day in the pet store, she chose him, and he also chose her.

But, he was everyone's dog. Not just mine, Jon's, Alissa's (and later her sisters') - everyone's.

Though he's lived with Grandma and Grandpa for the last few years, we still always considered him our dog, too. The Army makes us move so frequently, and we never know if the place we live (Army housing, rentals, etc) will let us have a pet(s), so Nugget spent probably half his life at my mom and dad's house.

We were lucky. My parents are the epitome of "animal lovers". They treated him like he deserved to be treated - like a member of their family. My dad faithfully walked him everyday, and they gave him table food and let him lick their dinner plates clean (even though that's probably not recommended by their veterinarian.) He slept in bed with my mom every night and, when he couldn't get up onto the bed, she was always there to lift him up.

Nugget always remembered us when we were visiting. He wagged his tail and laid near Jon or me. He let us love him like no time had passed since we'd last seen him. I choose to believe that he always loved us and somehow understood that we didn't abandon him. Instead, we gave him a second family to love and care for him when we couldn't.

When my mom told me on Saturday that he'd lost his long battle with illness, I'd already known it would be coming soon. But, it still hurt like hell. I cried and cried.

He was loved by so many. Somewhere in doggie heaven I hope he knows that, no matter where he was (with us or with Grandma), we loved him and were so proud to have such a great dog in our family.

He was a special dog and he will be dearly missed. We love you, Nugget!

I had no idea what "running" meant until yesterday....

2009-05-14T22:37:00.000-10:00

Guess I've been fooling myself that the walk-jog thing I was doing was really great exercise. Ok, it's exercise. It really is. But, I've seen the other side...

Wait for it...

Jon's been on leave this week. He has leave (that's what the Army calls vacation days) that he has to use or he'll lose it, so he decided to take this week. The guy deserves it - the Army works him to death, he's gone long hours or travelling a LOT, and let's face it, life in the Army can be stressful.

Since we live on a small island in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean, he can't really "vacation" or take a roadtrip anywhere. But, that doesn't matter. The boy is SCUBA-certified, so he's taken some dives this week. And.........we've been bonding.

(Get your minds out of the gutters...this is a G-rated blog). By bonding, I mean hanging out together. Laughing. Picking up the kids from school together. Making trips to the store while the kids are in school.

Just spending time together. With 2 full-time jobs and 3 full-time kids, and no Grandmas or Aunties here to watch them so we can get away for a night or 2 alone, "spending time together" is a very precious commodity.

One of our bonding activities was jogging. Yesterday we decided to run together. I should have known this would be more difficult than I expected. After all, Jon has been a runner for 25 years. I've been a runner (and I use that term loosely) for about 25 minutes.

We started out strong. I was running a 14-minute mile. (That's lightning fast for me - I average closer to 16 or 17-minute miles.) I maintained that for the first 2 miles.

Then I thought I might die. It was HARD! I managed another 1.5 miles, with a couple of 100-ft walks hidden in when I really felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

To Jon's amazing credit, he did not get frustrated when I complained, slowed down, or stopped talking to him (because I needed to zone-out in order to make it home in one piece.) Instead, he gently nudged me - "Come On! You can do it! You're doing great! Really great!"

My husband is an amazing rock star. I felt the pride he had for me yesterday, and it brought me to tears. We are closer than we've ever been, and I am so incredibly grateful. (Believe me, I thank God for it everyday.)

But, when we got home, 1 hour and 7 minutes (and 4 1/2 miles total) later, my clothes were soaked. I mean so wet that they clung to my back. My legs felt like Jell-O. My head was spinning a little.

And today, my thighs BURN when I walk down the stairs.

I could complain, but I haven't. Because:

Jon's pride made me proud of myself.
I did it. I didn't walk, I RAN! (Ok, it was a slow jog here and there, but Jon said I maintained a runner's stride throughout, which was his goal for me.)
It's been a LONG time since I've felt that proud of myself.

Thank you Jon, for your support. I love you so much. I hope that I'll get better and we can really run together. I'll try really hard to get there!