The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas. In my humble opinion, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

My Christmas memories as a child are those of making treks to Sandusky, to see my Grandma and Grandpa and my aunts, uncles and cousins on my mother's side. Laying in the back of my parent's van (long before seat belts and car seats were required) and watching the Christmas lights as we travelled through town. Baking cookies with my mom and sisters, and listening to an Avon Christmas cassette that is still my favorite Christmas music in the world.

I had a good childhood. Christmas was always filled with love, family, togetherness.

When we don't live across an ocean, we are always in Ohio for Christmas. Well, maybe not Christmas Day, but always part of Christmas week. Making that drive from wherever-to-Ohio, usually in the snow and very cold weather. That's the Christmas memories I have collected as an adult.

The past couple of Christmases have been different. We're far from home, and with Jon's work travels, my job insecurity, and 3 kids and all their gear made it just too hard to get home to Ohio.

We're lucky that we have formed an extensive 'second family' here in Hawaii.

I've mentioned it many times in posts in the past. These folks mean such a great deal to us. These families that have come into our lives and hearts. They are families that we won't live near forever, but will forever live in my heart (and hopefully in our lives, even if it's long-distance!)

I feel overwhelmingly blessed to have these families in my life. I know that God knew I would need to meet them, and that's why our Hawaii trip in 2006 fell through and we ended up moving here instead. It was so we could meet these people, invite them into our hearts, and share wonderful experiences that will be my children's childhood Christmas memories.

We're creating memories that my girls may not fully appreciate now, but they will treasure in the years to come.

It feels strange to have a sunburn on Christmas week (as I do), to wear shorts and tank tops when Christmas shopping with the hubby, to sit out on the lawn pulling weeds in December as I bond with a good friend and her new baby. It's a weird feeling to hear my Facebook friends talk about snow shovels and school delays while I tie my shoes and put on my iPod to go jog in the 80-degree heat. This is a surreal life, to live in "'Paradise", even for a short time, and be cut off from things that are normal to us - snowfalls, freeways, Applebee's for goodness sake! (As an aside, I am convinced that McDonald's is considered "fine dining out" here, unless you're in Waikiki.)

But the memories we've made, and will make for the rest of our stay here, are worth it. It stinks to be far from home, far from the people we love the most, and far from the daily events of their lives. But the Army has given us something wonderful to help make up for it:

ADVENTURE.

And lots of it. We've gone places, seen things, that I would never have dreamed I'd experience. I snorkeled with an eel this past Friday, if you can believe that!

As we prepare for our new adventure, sometime in 2010 (God willing, of course), I take this blessed Christmas season to reflect on the memories we've made here in Hawaii. The friends we've found, the adventures we've taken, the challenges (both good and bad).

It's all part of the adventure.

To all of you, from the Heffners, our best wishes for a blessed Christmas and a fabulous 2010!

Where I've Been...

Truthfully, I just took the last few weeks off.

Too much going on. Jon left on extended TDY, my sister came to visit with her husband and new baby boy, and work has got me working overtime, all the time.

Pardon me for a moment while I vent about this job-thing...again. If you decide to stop reading, I won't be offended. But writing it helps me cope.

They now want me to join 4:30 am daily meetings where I can hear (with the other remote folks) how important we are to getting the new people up to speed so that they can be successful at doing our jobs. And, every Thursday (including Thanksgiving), I get paged at 10:30 at night for servers that are spitting out false-positive alerts. That I haven't been able to get fixed, because of the holidays and the red-tape that is required to get a simple task executed.

Yay!

I secretly find myself being ok with this job-ending-thing. Not the being unemployed part. Not the way that the company has done it (forcing people to move or give up their jobs at the company's convenience). But the idea that I won't give my all anymore for a company that just continues to want more, and more often, and for less.

Yes, I work at home. It has been an insane blessing the last 5+ years. That piece I love, and hope and pray that I don't have to give up.

But it gives the company more and more of my time, for free. And I do it, because I am a loyal, hard-worker who likes/liked the company I work for and wanted to give them my best.

It seems like I never turn the computer off. I work, and work, and work. There is always another task that needs to be done right now. I can't even take days off, as there is no one to cover for me. (So many people have already been let go...) When Laurie was here, I worked half days and checked my email every night after her family went to bed.

All that being said, I actually find myself hoping for 2 things:

1. That this company will do the stand-up thing and find positions for those of us who are sticking around until the end. Especially those of us that can't move, even if we wanted to, because we have spouses serving our country and can't/won't separate the family for the sake of a job. (I know this is a dream and too good to be true, but I still hold out hope.)
   
   
2. That, if #1 doesn't happen, that I can at least stay with said company until summer 2010, when I anticipate a move to a new part of the US, where I can go back to contracting, or maybe take a college course or 2, and take my career sights in a new direction.

I hate feeling this way. I have never lost a job before - never been fired, let go, laid off, any of that. It sucks. The insane amount of control that I don't have. That's what gets me the most.

I would have stayed with this company for years and years if they'd let me, until retirement. I would have been loyal until the end. I don't know if I will get that chance.

I have tried giving it to God. Believe me, I try. Every day. I know that God wants me to be patient, that he wants me to let Him help me. I believe whole-heartedly, that He has another plan for me and that He will help me with the job situation because I have asked.

Believe me, I pray everyday. Sometimes several times a day. It's just about all I think about these days. I am wondering if God is sick of hearing my prayer yet. It's like it's been on an endless loop for months.

I don't know what He wants me to do. It's like I can't hear what He's trying to say to me, what He wants me to do to help myself with this situation. I have applied for a few other jobs at this employer, but I can't get past the stupid computer-screening process.

So I wait, and stress. Every day. Waiting for the ball to drop. For them to say they don't need me anymore.

It sucks. That's all there is to it.

But I will continue to pray. I will ask everyday for help. And maybe, God's time will come and I will see the answer that I've been looking for.

If you see it, let me know.

Thank a Veteran (or their spouse) today

Veteran's Day has a new meaning for me this year. Rebecca lost her husband just over 2 weeks ago. It makes the sacrifice our troops make that much more real.

My heart aches for her. I worry about her every day. I wonder how she finds the strength everyday to just get out of bed (if she even sleeps.) Rebecca is a strong lady, very independent. But there is no way to prepare for losing your spouse unexpectedly. I mean, you can make up wills, buy life insurance, talk about the "what-ifs".

But you can't prepare for the feelings that come with losing the person that you love most in the entire world.

Veteran's Day is a day to honor those who have and currently do serve our country, risking their life everyday for our way of life.

We all saw the commercials a few years back, during the Superbowl, I think. The one with the servicemen walking in line in the airport. People stopped to clap for them, and they all smiled a faint smile. How wonderful to know that you are risking your life everyday, your marriage, time with your family, and that someone else is grateful for that?? That your country believes the same things that you do, and appreciates that you stand up for the beliefs of many!

And at my friend's funeral last week, hundreds of people lined the streets of his hometown, waving American flags proudly as his body made way to its final resting place.

Please take time to thank a veteran, a military spouse, or a widow/er for the sacrifices they make for us. A simple "thank you" means more that you can ever imagine.

This blog has done wonders for me...

I don't know about you readers, but having this blog for almost 2 years really has been a blessing for me. To be able to share my thoughts, stories and photographs is wonderful.

The blog really started as a way to keep in touch with our extended families when we moved to Hawaii. I know that they miss seeing the kids as often as they used to, and this gives us a way to share our Hawaii adventures and keep them involved in the kids' lives.

But it became more than that. It was also a way for me to vent. To share my frustrations. Not to bring people into my issues, but just to put them on paper, so that I could see them and decide what to do about them.

You all know that my job is a great source of concern right now. Blogging about it has given me some peace. While I know that things are going to change, whether I like it or not, having a way to talk about these things helps me get through them.

And losing our friend in Iraq late last month. I struggled with that for days, trying to sort it out in my head. I still struggle with it. Everyday I pray for my friend - that she will have the strength to get through this sadness and the changes that will happen in her life. I worry about her. I know what everyone says - that there's a reason, that God needed him, that there's a plan bigger than our understanding.

Sometimes those explanations aren't enough.

And, since I couldn't reach Jon when it happened, I hoped that he would at least be able to see the blog and know that someone we knew personally and cared about gave their life for our country.

Thanks, readers. I know there aren't many of you. But thank you for listening. When you are far from home like I am, sometimes the blog can be your best friend.

Please continue to bear with me. The next few months will be crazy with Jon's travel, visitors, the holidays, and then the plan to move.

Thanks for being there.

Days of Old...

Alissa's working on a project about herself for school. As an aside, I don't understand why 10th graders are doing projects on themselves. What are they supposed to be learning - how to scrapbook? How to color, cut, paste? I don't think it's a worthwhile project, I think it's a waste of a 10th grader's time. (Another reason for us to move this summer, the high school here is just ridiculous.)

Anyway, for this project, Alissa needed pictures of herself from the past. Thankfully, we didn't leave our pictures in storage in Tennessee. The girls and I dragged out 8 boxes of photographs and proceeded to pour through them.

Boy did the memories pile in! Pictures I really hadn't looked at in years. Memories that were still in my heart and mind, but that hadn't been visited in a long time. Pictures of Alex and Alissa as babies. It's hard for me to remember some of those times, but seeing them in print brings the memories flooding back.

And wait until you see this picture of Alex. Abby was convinced that it was her - especially since she just wore that same dress last week! If I didn't know better, as their mother, I would easily mistake it for Abby as well. (I'll post some more of the old pictures later today...)

The major differences are Alex's bangs and the fact that Alex and Abby have different eyes. As a smaller child, Alex always had those dark circles under her eyes that Abby never had. (They seemed to have gone away as Alex has gotten older...)

I say this in practically every post, I guess because I am just dumbfounded. I don't feel any older, but my children are growing and blossoming before my eyes.

Too quickly.

I don't feel ready. I'm not ready for them to be young ladies. I'm not ready for them to not need me as much anymore.

I'm not ready for Alissa to be a grown-up. That happens in just 3 short years.

It's selfish. And I'm dealing with that. I will be as ready as I can be when the time comes.

Seeing these pictures makes me grateful for the family I have. Jon, the girls, and our extended families.

Family is everything. I'm so glad that I have never forgotten that, no matter what else has come our way.

Death Sucks!

Our friend's death earlier this week has hit hard. I have been in a slump all week.

I think it hits harder because I also have a soldier in my life. And I never truly think about what life would be like without him. He travels a lot, and he has been to war. But all the times he's gone, I really never let myself think about the "what-ifs". We have all our paperwork in order, like any other family would, and we've talked before about what one should do if something happened to the other. I'm sure all couples do that, especially if there are children involved.

But I never really let it in - that something could happen. I'm sure my friend didn't really, either. Her soldier had already been deployed several times before this. I'm sure that, while still being totally crappy, this deployment was "old hat". She is an excellent mother, and on top of the family's dynamic. She is the epitome of a military wife - independent, strong and in-control. You watch your soldier leave, and while you miss them terribly and worry about their safety, you go on with the "normal" part of your life, counting the days until he returns home.

This week's events have made me wake up, out of the fog, and feel the reality. What it feels like to have someone you know die at war.

Wednesday, more than 24 hours later, I was still crying from the news. I laid in my bed Wednesday afternoon, sobbing. It hit harder than any death I've heard about in many years.

There are many reasons for my sadness. He was too young, he was such a cool guy, a great dad, someone fun to hang out with. He was a great soldier with many years left to lead. But I really think that the reason I was so upset was the shock of it all.

All I can think, admittedly selfishly, is that I know that her experience is one that I could be exposed to at anytime. Receiving that knock on the door, as a man in uniform comes to tell you the worst news you could ever want to hear.
As I mentioned in a previous post, he is the first fallen soldier that I have actually had human interaction with. And not just interaction, but friendship.

It sucks. And though I have gotten the sobbing under control, the sadness lingers on. And it will for some time.

I guess I just needed to talk about it. Thanks for listening.

When you lose a hero...

I received some extremely troubling news yesterday. A good friend of ours lost her soldier husband in Iraq yesterday.

These are friends we've known for over 10 years. We met them in Germany and were very close. Over the years since, our Army travels have taken us to different places, but we have stayed in close contact with them. Many good times were shared.

I don't know the details of his death - when, how, and of course we'll never know why. (If I knew, I doubt that I would post such troubling personal details.)

I haven't seen this solider in probably 4 years. But his death hit me hard.

I have to admit that I do not know anyone personally that has lost a servicemember to the war.

Not until yesterday, that is.

I don't know exactly how to handle the news. First and foremost, I wanted Jon to get the sudden urge to call me. (He's out of town this week...) I needed to hear his voice. Alas, I have no way to contact him, so I haven't been able to talk to him since I heard the news.

Then I just cried. And cried. And cried. I cried for my friend, who will have to move on without the person she loves most in the world.

I cried for her children, who love their father more than life and won't understand the reasons he gave his life for his country, at least not for many years.

And mostly I cried because I just don't understand. I mean, I'm not a fool. I know that sending our men and women in uniform to war (regardless of whether the President calls it a war) means that some of them won't come home. It's a sad reality.

But the reason that this soldier was called Home to be with God - it just doesn't compute. He was so young (35), a great officer, a personable, caring human being, and a family man. He was so funny, laughing all the time and making people feel warm and welcome.

My heart hurts today. I mean, I feel physical pain in my body. I haven't lost someone so close to me, so I don't know if that's what happens at a time like this. I feel helpless. There's nothing that I can do for my friend except to pray, and to tell her that I am here for her.

Somehow I know that's not enough. There's nothing that can make this loss easier for her.

I know she is a Christian, and that God will help her through. It won't be easy, or fast, but He will guide her. And she has a strong family that is probably already by her side.

I struggle to make sense of it, and then I realize that there is no sense. It just is.

We're not always meant to understand why things happen. We're just meant to trust that there is a reason why, and that God will guide us through the hardship that it might create.

It is a powerful lesson for me, and it brings my ridiculous job issues into focus. There are so many MUCH more important things than a job.

Now if Jon would only call, so I could hear the sound of his voice and be comforted by the person that I love the most in the world. It's selfish, in light of my friend's recent devastation, but I think it's normal to feel this way.

Please pray for my friend as she is forced to deal with what I am sure is the hardest thing she's ever had to face. Please ask God to help her navigate this territory and give her the strength she needs to get through the emotions, the Army paperwork, the sadness, the weeks of uncertainty to come.

Fallen soldier, the Heffners are thinking of you and your family today. Thank you for your selfless service to our country.

A grateful nation humbly appreciates the ultimate sacrifice you made.