How to get through doing stuff we don't want to do?

Today I am training my "replacements". The people who will do my job starting May 31, when IBM has said that they don't need me anymore.

It sucks.

I don't want to do it. It feels unfair, to have to talk to people who will be doing my work, and coaching them on how to do it well.

I didn't do anything wrong. I've had great performance reviews for my 5-year tenure with them. I've been a team player.

Some days, I understand that it's "just business", just the almighty dollar. It's not personal.

Some days, I struggle with trying to understand why I am being let go (along with more than 3,000 other good employees who I am sure were also team players).

There are good days, when I am sure that God hears my prayers and has a plan for me. A great plan that doesn't include my current employer (but that's OK).

There are bad days, when I can't imagine why they're letting me go, why I am losing a job for the first time in my life and worrying about interviews for the first time in 9 years. Where I am concerned that I am almost 39 and how in the heck will I ever find a new job? A job that is flexible for my family and pays more than McDonald's? A job in my field, where I won't have to commute an hour one way and spend so much time away from the kids.

Today is a bad day, because I had a 3-hour call with my replacements. Perfectly fine men, who are gracious and appreciative of my knowledge and my sharing it with them. But, my voice started to crack as I talked to them. Knowing in 6 weeks I won't be needed anymore. That I will just be a memory, if that. And that the documentation I am creating for them now, the foundation that will help them do a good job for IBM, will be left behind but no one will recognize that I am doing the right thing, being the bigger person.

I know. It should be enough for me to know that I'm doing what's right. I should be the only one who cares that I am being a good person and still trying hard, up to the bitter end.

I want this to be over. I know when they offered to keep me until May 31, I was originally happy. Now I'm really not. It's more like purgatory, where you know something will happen but you don't know what or when.

I want to find a new job, a better job that I like a whole lot more. But I worry that either I won't find it or it won't find me.

I know, you are all tired of hearing about this and want me to have some patience and faith.

I do, too. I want to have faith, but some days my faith gives way to fear and low self-esteem.

Today's one of those days.

It just sucks. And I had to let it out. I can't cry about a stupid job (or lack of it) anymore.

Thanks for listening. And for prayers. It means a lot, and one day I'll look back (like I always do) and wonder what I was so worried about.

I know it. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry it to death.

Gotta get off my butt today and back out jogging...

It's been 2 weeks. In my defense, the kids and I have been riding bikes in the neighborhood.

I know, it's a weak defense.

I'm going out to jog today if I have to kick and scream the whole way. I need it. The last couple of weeks have been busy, and the younger 2 kids are home on break from school. As much as I love them, there is no alone time for me. And I admit, I am used to being alone, in the quiet. I miss it. Plus, my idiot dive boots tore holes in the back of my heels. They hurt like the dickens. I mean, I think I lost 5 or 6 layers of skin. At least a 1/4 inch deep hole, the diameter of a fingernail.

I guess I convinced myself that running shoes would not be a good idea with those wounds healing. (And I ride my bike with flip flops, even though that's dangerous and stupid...) I don't know how my feet will react when we move and I have to wear actual shoes with heels and closed toes...

So, I'm going to jog as soon as Alissa texts me that she's done at school and needs a ride. Dinner's cooking in the crock pot (chicken soup - thanks Christy for the recipe!) and the house is as clean as it's gonna get for today. Since I started work at 4:20 this morning (long story), I am done with that for today, too.

So, my sports bra is on. That's the first half of the battle. Once I put that bra on, it's like I feel guilty if I don't actually do anything that requires a sports bra. (Weird, I know. But it's how I do.)

Well, we may know where we're moving. I won't say here, because that's not something I am supposed to do. You know, I have to maintain OPSEC (Operational Security - Army-speak). Most of you know, and if you read my Facebook (or Jon's) then you already know where the Army wants to send us. If you don't, and you want to know, you can email me. Sooner or later it will be old news. But, we don't have anything in writing so basically it could change at a moment's notice. (Who am I kidding, it could still change even with orders.)

And work. I'm still there until May 31. I don't see it getting extended. But, I am OK with that. I find more and more as the days pass that I am not happy at this job. I am sick of being on-call for stupid things, and the only really good thing is that I work at home. But, that's just more opportunity for work to intervene on my family time. And more opportunity for them to call me to work at any hour, any day, for dumb reasons. (Reasons like: there's literally no one else who can do it but me.) Even when I can manage to line up one day for someone to cover for me, for 4 hours so I can take a diving class, I still get calls because that person doesn't know what to do and the calls keep coming. I feel sad for June 1 only because they will really suffer when I'm gone. I mean, I am not the "Employee of the Year", but I give my all, and I am always here. Some things are gonna be sacrificed when I'm not there to give extra attention. Oh well. Not my cross to bear. I will do my best for the next 7 weeks and then that's it. Life will move on and so will I. I have a feeling that good things are coming...

The kids are good. Jon's good. I am good. Life is great. And we're happy, healthy, and have amazing friends here (that will be difficult to leave). The sun is shining for the first time in days, and I think I just got a text from Alissa...

Happy Monday all.

Events of the last week...

Jon and I after I completed the certification tasks

March 21, 2010

Gosh, it's been a week. I was trying to post more often, but last week was crazy. As I mentioned, I was taking a SCUBA-certification class (so I can dive with Jon and his friends up to 60 ft.). The class was Monday-Thursday nights, and Saturday and Sunday from 8-noon.

I was scared. All week. To the point of being ill. I barely ate last week. Lost 5 pounds. But I did it. I got in the pool, went under the water, and didn't freak out too badly. There were a couple of moments that I was a little uneasy, but it got better each time.

Saturday morning was the first ocean dive. To 25 feet. Doesn't sound like much but I had psyched myself out bad for it. I mean, I was so ill that I didn't eat at all on Friday except for like 6 pieces of shrimp...We were at a birthday party Friday night and I didn't eat a single cupcake! Couldn't.

The dive turned out to be more labor-intensive than I expected. (Imagine walking in the sand, which I am not good at already, with approximately 25 lb on your back and another 21 strapped to your waist.) We swam from shore to the dive site (and back).

When it was time to go down under the water, I did. And it was like nothing I ever expected.

Instead of being scary, it was beautiful and serene and quiet. And there was peace.

I wasn't afraid to fill my mask with water - twice - to prove that I knew what to do if it flooded accidentally. I wasn't afraid to take off my gear and sit on it at the surface, to prove that I could get out of it if I was stuck and needed to get freed. I wasn't even afraid to take off my weight belt - the bane of my existence in the pool exercises - and put it back on securely without losing it to the sea or holding onto something or someone.

It was an amazing day.

Then Sunday, the last day of class, we dove in the ocean again. I held a starfish and a sea urchin. I saw turtles swim by, unaffected by my presence and my awe. I posed for pictures with my friend and dive buddy, Ken, and even a picture with my husband. (A big thanks to Ken for dealing with my nervousness and my questions, and helping me find the calm to get it done. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect dive buddy!)

It was a surreal moment - one I'd never ever dreamed for myself. To perform the tasks calmly, to survive in the sea for a short time, and feel that peace.

Ken(R) and me at the bottom - March 21, 2010

I never knew what I was missing until I let myself experience it. It is an unexpected accomplishment that I am so grateful to have completed.

And, last week I was contacted by my manager at work, to tell me that there had been some complaints about my involuntary layoff and that they wanted me to stay until May 31. This doesn't change anything else - I will still get severance at the end, I will still get the other benefits. I just get a regular paycheck for 2 more months.

I didn't think I would be happy about this - after all, I had made peace with the layoff and was actually ok knowing the end date was soon. But knowing that someone fought for me to stay a little longer means the world to me. It feels great to know that someone took a stand and pushed for me to have a short reprieve. I know who started the campaign for my extension, and I am forever grateful.

When the announcement came in early 2009 that my team would be moved to Iowa and we'd be displaced, I prayed and prayed that I could stay until summer 2010 so that it would coincide with our move, and so that we could get our affairs in order and be as prepared as possible for the chapter that comes next.

This extension gets me to that goal.

I am amazed constantly by the power of prayer. I don't mean to be a worrywart. I guess it's always been easier and safer for me to feel disappointed than to feel hopeful. But I am always redeemed. God hears my prayers and even when I don't hear the answer, it is there. I have learned over the last few months to chill out a little and relax. When I relax, I can hear the answer and feel better about what it means. A little chill is all I can manage right now, but it seems to be helping. (Baby steps, right? I mean, it took 38 1/2 years to build up this level of worrying. It won't just stop overnight.)

God is great! Thank You, God, for looking out for me and for helping me this past week. I don't feel like I say it enough, how proud I am to have a relationship with You and how grateful I am that You love me and care about me. Thank You!

And thanks to you - friends, family, readers. I am grateful for each of you!

Happy Tuesday (and LOST day!)

First night in the pool for scuba class tonight...

I started the Open Water Diver course yesterday. It's a 4-evening class - 2 nights of classwork and 2 nights in the pool - and then 4 dives over the weekend to get "certified".

Tonight is the first night in the pool. I am a bit nervous, I have to admit. My only other experience with scuba went badly.

You may remember the story. The short version is basically that I went on a boat dive with Jon, and I'd had no training, and I sorta wigged out. I didn't feel good about the equipment and the breathing underwater, and I definitely didn't want my mask to flood with water or to take the breathing regulator out of my mouth. (Both of those tasks were required before you could actually start the dive.)

Since that time, I have snorkeled quite a bit, and really fallen in love with it. I am more comfortable with having my head in the water for longer periods of time, and swimming on my own. But, there were a couple of times on Sunday (my most recent snorkeling experience) that I did surface to fix a snorkel issue or just get oriented. That's not as easy to do in scuba.

However, I still have that experience in the back of my mind and it makes me nervous. I am worried that I will get down in the water, have to perform a task and freak out. I hope that the time in the pool tonight will calm my fears, give me some confidence, and allow me to relax and enjoy this experience. I really want to like it. (and I really don't want to freak out.)

There's just that fear. Have I mentioned that I worry a lot?

So, if you're reading this before Tuesday night, send me some good vibes.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Patience is the order of the day...

image by www.angiechan.com

Ugh. I have never been a patient person. Not patient enough, anyway. When I ask for help (which is pretty much almost never), I ask because I need help now. When I ask the kids to empty the dishwasher, I mean I want them to do it now. When I ask Jon to clean up the junk he leaves in his wake, I want him to clean it up now.

Patience is not my strong suit. It never has been. And two things are bugging me lately...

First, waiting to find out where and when the Army wants us to move is excruciating. We have never found out our next assignment so close to PCS time. (And I say "our", not Jon's, because this affects the lives of all 5 of us, not just Jon.) I could start networking, sending resumes, and finding out where the good school systems are. We could plan the island-hopping cruise we so desperately want - no, NEED - to take before we leave this beautiful state we've called home.

Second, I have no patience for the end of March to get here, when my job will cease and it will all become someone else's problem. I have a bit of "short-timer's disease". I just want it to be over. I don't want to slave away anymore for a job that is dumping me in just a couple of weeks.

***A funny little story - the company that is dumping me like yesterday's trash (along with 3,000 other hard-working individuals) gave me a performance bonus yesterday. The highest amount that I have ever received in my 5 years with them. Sounds backwards, but for this company I can totally see their logic. Not.***

I take comfort in the fact that their ridiculosity will pay for our aforementioned Island-Hopping Cruise for 5. Thank you, ___!

Anyway, those two things cause me the most stress right now. And I am trying like crazy to have enough patience to just push the stress back a little bit. Just a little. But if you know me, you know it's hard for me to let things go.

But today I strive to find the patience. To just be.

I have continued my workouts, though on the elliptical machine this week. It's been rainy and gross here, and I enjoy the elliptical because it forces me to keep going. (When I run outside I sometimes get lazy and slow to a walk because I don't want to push myself enough.) On the elliptical you can't. I mean, you can, but then it starts blinking and the lights change and it's like the machine is mocking me, taunting me. I can somehow always manage to find the willpower to get through the whole programmed workout without slowing down and making it mad. Been on it 4 days in a row now...and it helps with the stress and makes me feel accomplished.

Now if Jon will just stop calling me in the middle of the workout everyday...hee hee.

I made a small deal with myself that I will do some things for me since I'll have weekdays free. So I am working to get in more workouts every week, and I'm planning to take some computer-programming classes (my true love), and next week I'll be taking open-water scuba diving certification class. (I'll fill you in on that one next week!)

Well, back to the grind that is my work-life. I hope that the next job I find is one that I like a whole lot better. (Being let go opened my eyes to the fact that I don't really even like this job, I just keep it because it's convenient and close to home.) Let's hope these programming classes open up my job possibilities...

Happy Thursday Everyone!

Recycling comes to Kapolei...

When we lived in Germany 10 years ago (geesh, that makes it sound like a lifetime ago), I was pleasantly amazed at how serious residents were about recycling. Granted, I think there are laws implemented there to enforce it, but after we got over the shock of how EVERYTHING is recycled - they even compost in each neighborhood - recycling became an easy, natural way of life.

Then later we lived in Tennessee, where you have to take the recycling to the recycling centers yourself, we incorporated it into our lives and it just became part of what we did every month. The kids helped and enjoyed it.

When we found out we were moving to Hawaii, I guess I assumed that recycling would be an easy, natural way of life here, too. I mean, it's an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Since there are limited places here to store garbage, I guess I just assumed that recycling would be prevalent - no, WANTED - in order to keep the island clean.

I was sad to find out that not only is it not easy, there is practically nothing that is recycled (except bottles and cans that have deposits, which 15% of people don't even do!). There are bins at some of the public schools to take glass, plastic, and paper/cardboard, but they don't take colored or glossy paper (like magazines or grocery store ads) and the only cardboard they take is corrugated (so no cereal boxes, Capri Sun boxes or soda can boxes...)

What's the point then?

Well, I guess Hawaii has decided to make some changes. Changes that I am potentially really excited about. I don't know much about this new program, but today we are receiving blue recycle bins (the size of trash cans) for recycling. I hear the program starts during the first week of May. I don't know what will be eligible for recycling, or how often they will be collected, but I am excited that Hawaii is starting to see what recycling can do for them.

People are often surprised when they come to Hawaii and see that parts of O'ahu are really dirty, slummy, littered, and basically un-cared-for.

I hope this new program will change that.

Happy Birthday Shari!

My sister Shari celebrates a birthday today.

I haven't seen her in person in more than 2 years. But I miss her everyday. She has a laugh that is infectious. My mom used to say when Shari was little that she smiled more than any other kid she'd ever met. She never lets life get in the way of her happiness, not when she was a kid, and not now.

Shari's a happy person. And so giving. She'd give you the shirt off her back, even if it meant she'd freeze. She's just that way. And did I mention her laugh? It's one of my favorite things about her.

Happy Birthday Shari! I hope that whatever you have planned for today is full of fun and celebration. I hope you get to take some time out for yourself on your special day.

I love you. Have a FANTASTIC day!