Rejection...

So, many of you know, I have a job offer from a few weeks ago which I accepted. Right now they're checking my background and making sure I am who I say I am, that there are no skeletons in my closet, etc.... The job offer is conditional on me passing (which I don't foresee as a problem...)

However, I can't officially start working until that's complete. So, last week I was offered an interview at another place that I won't name, just because. I thought, "I'm not officially employed yet. What the heck, why not?"

I went to the interview. I really thought I killed it. You know where this is going by now, but wait for it...

I came away from the interview feeling confident. I could have seen myself at that place. I could have fit in and done a h*ll of a job.

Today I received the dreaded rejection email. The sender was nice, she said I was an "...exceptionally strong candidate..." and that she "...strongly encourage[s] me to continue to apply for similar positions [at this employer] as they become available...". She asked permission to send my resume to other people at this employer, so that I "...would be on their radar screens...".

That all sounds good, and flattering, and encouraging, but all I saw was "I regret to inform you...".

Why?

I guess I don't understand. How I got a different perception of the interview than they did. After the Q&A, I was asked to submit a writing sample, which I also feel that I killed. On the way from room to room, the gentleman escorting me said, "Whichever way this turns out, it was such a pleasure to get to know you today. You seem like a really cool person."

At the time, I was flattered. Perhaps I should have actually taken that as a sign of what was to come.

It all sounds selfish, I know. Being disappointed and feeling sorry for myself. I know times are tough and lots of people are looking for work. It has just always come to easily to me in the past, I suppose I took that for granted. I don't mean to be selfish. I really just want one job. One actual job, that I can actually go to and do a good job.

I don't even know if not getting the job was what bothered me, because I'm not sure it was my "Dream job". (In the interview, the job description was a little different than the one I actually applied for...)

I think what kills me is the rejection itself. Don't people know that I am a hard-working person, who will give my all? Why don't they see it? I thought I sold myself well, and sincerely.

It hurts. It sucks. And I cried about it this morning.

I hate rejection. I want some acceptance, not rejection.

And, to top it off, I've decided that being laid off from IBM this past summer is what has really driven my self-esteem down. I did a h*ll of a job for them for 5 years. I gave them a BIG chunk of my life. And they laid me off for it.

Meanwhile, there are still a couple friends of mine there. Still working from home and still doing the job that I was doing. Another huge blow - why wasn't I good enough?? I don't understand.

Then I remember all the things I've been taught:

1. technically I was offered a job and accepted (at the first place), I'm just impatient that the background stuff isn't done yet;

2. when one door closes, another opens. There IS a reason that the IBM door closed, even if I never find out what that reason is;

3. things happen for a reason. There is a reason that God doesn't think that job was the best for me;

4. that, with faith, good things happen.

It hurts less, but still hurts. So, I'm a little sad today. A little discouraged.

By dinnertime, though, Alissa's not-yet-started Halloween costume will be made (by me), I will have cooked a great dinner for my family, and I will have spent a great 90 minutes dancing with 2nd and 3rd grade Girl Scouts, laughing and forgetting about this one setback.

I will be refreshed and renewed. I will find my determination and perseverance, and I will get back in the ring.

For now, though, just for a few minutes, I want to be sad. I want to be angry at IBM for letting me go. I want to feel the emotions that I have pushed down for 5 months. That I am angry and discouraged and worried that no job will ever want me.

Then I will brush myself off and continue with life.

Happy Halloween everyone. The weekend can only get better from here, right?

Remembering a Fallen Hero...

image courtesy of www.westernherald.com

A year ago today, a friend of mine got the visit that no military spouse ever, ever wants to have.

It's the first (and so far, only) close friend the Heffners have known to lose their life in a war that I don't really understand.

I remember everything about that day, like when someone asks you what you were doing when 9/11 took place, or when Katrina hit.

I haven't seen this friend in a long time - we have lived in different cities since 2005. I haven't been able to hug her, to physically be there. But I think about their family all the time. I don't know what it's like to lose the person that you love most in the world. And I wish she didn't either.

To my friend: I know that hundreds of people are telling you this, but I am here. A phone call away. A shoulder, a comforting ear, a friend. Someone that has prayed for you and will always be there. Always. We will probably never live in the same town again, but we'll never be far.

To her fallen soldier: Thank you for your selfless service. You paid the ultimate price so that America could continue to live life the way they are acccustomed. You gave your life fighting in a conflict that many of us are baffled by, and some of us have probably even stopped paying attention to (as sad as that is).

You are missed by many, admired by even more. And a grateful nation remembers you, grieves for you, and mourns that your life was cut short.

Rain, rain, go away

Blech. Rain again.

I liked the rain the first 10 times it rained here. I welcomed it.

Our love affair is over. Rain, we've had enough for a while. Can you please take a break?

At least the temperature is decent. The weather guy says it's mid-60's but I have on shorts and flip-flops, and I was OK outside for the stuff that I needed to do outside.

Abby's home sick - well, getting over a fever and the doctor told me to keep her home today just to be sure. She's watching Wonder Pets and playing with her army of Littlest Pet Shops. I think she counted 106 of them. I'm cleaning the house (again) and wondering if this job I was offered will ever become real. The paperwork just to get started is taking an awfully long time, and today the person that I need assistance from is away. (I asked around, and was told to wait for her return tomorrow.)

I was really excited about this job and hope that it becomes real very soon. I'm sorta over the stay-at-home-and-do-stuff-around-the-house-for-7-hours-everyday thing.

Well, back to cleaning...Happy Wednesday (again)!

Life is much different in Virginia - in unexpected ways...

In many ways, Virginia is so different from Hawaii. The Heffners are having to learn all over again about the 4 seasons, and having to rake leaves and wear jackets, and what it feels like to have a cough and a sniffle.

Virginia has changing leaves, and rain. We've had more rain in the last 2 weeks than we had in 3 years living in Hawaii. It has freeways, actual freeways, and back roads for when the freeways are too busy or cluttered with accidents.

The pools are closed, and the nearest beach is probably 3 hours away.

We have nice neighbors, the ones we've met at least, but there is no 'ohana. No one stopping by just to say hello or drop off brownies or show us their new baby's smile.

We're getting used to all of it, all the changes that I don't think we were prepared for (even though we all talked about it, and we all knew were coming.)

But in many ways, living here is better. We get to spend a LOT more time with Jon, which is nice and unusual at the same time. It's great to have him here for dinner every night, and to be able to hopefully carpool with him if my job ever finishes the paperwork needed for me to start.

It's nice to see Alissa with a boy who cares about her, who thinks she hung the moon. A boy with goals for the future, and who has a moral code and a work ethic and a polite demeanor.

It's great to have a finished basement for the kids to retire to - where the toy mess can stay out of sight, and the elliptical machine can squeak without me waking or bothering the kids.

But every day I spend at least a minute missing Hawaii and being grateful for the time we had there. I watch Hawaii-5-0 every week just to see glimpses of the place we so recently called home. We talk about Hawaii all the time - I think to preserve the memories of a place that gave us such a wonderful 30 months.

Overall, Virginia is growing on me. I am very slowly learning which roads go where and the best way to get from Point A to Point B. The kids are settling into their school routines and after-school activities, and we're planning for the upcoming holiday season - my favorite time of year.

I hope to be starting a new job in just a couple of weeks, God willing. I was offered a job but can't start until the background-check process is complete and successful. Of course, there's no reason for me not to pass a background-check, but it still makes me nervous. Yeah, that's what I do best. Worry.

In the meantime, I'm trying to tie up loose ends and get everything done around here that needs attention - dentist appointments, car service, eye appointments, paperwork that I won't have time to do during the day once my job begins.

I secretly like being at home, and having that as my main job. But, part of me also hates it. Hates being alone with nothing to do except house-related stuff. There's only so much laundry you can fold, only so many dishes to wash.

Again, as I mentioned in a post before, this is not to say that SAHM's don't have tough and rewarding jobs in themselves. But, for me, working outside the home is something I like and am very proud of. My kids are older, even Abby at 7 doesn't really need me here during the day, since she's at school all day herself. So why not work outside the home, and use that money to pay for my kids to go to college (or whatever else we decide)?

But the background process has been longer than I originally expected. So I have more time at home than we originally expected.

I pray that the background check is uneventful and that I hear soon that I can get started at work. I am really excited about this position and the possibilities it holds for me over the next couple of years. I really want to get started.

On a totally unrelated note, Glee (my favorite show in the world) is a rerun tonight, so I think I'll try to hit the hay early. 5:20 comes awfully early every morning.

Goodnight all! Happy Wednesday!

Sisters

image from www.3sisters.com

Seems like, for the last couple of years, my 3 daughters have just been pushing each other's buttons on purpose. They seem to purposefully find things to do or say to irritate one of the other girls.

I know that a lot of it has to do with their ages. They are currently 16, 12 and 7. I know that Abby gets on their nerves, because she isn't as mature as they are, or into the same things that they are. It's a fact of life, they are all at different stages and that in itself makes liking each other difficult.

But I wish I knew what to do to help them want to get along better.

Having lived in a different town from my 3 sisters for the last 20 years (if you count college), I know what it's like to miss your sisters and wish you could be near them whenever you want. Even for 5 minutes.

I wish I could help them understand how important it is to treat your sisters like they are your best friends. One day they may live in different towns, states, even countries. It can be really hard. Especially when something happens in your life or theirs, and you can't share it together.

Tonight Alex, Jon and I went out for various reasons. Alissa and Abby stayed home. Apparently there was some sort of disagreement between the 2 of them, which resulted in Abby throwing things and Alissa calling her "evil".

Let's just say that within 2 minutes of me arriving home, Abby had been verbally reprimanded and she and I were both crying. She was crying because she's 7 and didn't think she was at fault. I cried because I just don't understand why they can't all get along.

When I start this new job in the next couple of weeks, I will be leaving Abby in the care of Alissa and Alex for an hour a day. If they can't get along, what will I do? I can't be at work worrying about them every single day. And I don't want Alissa calling me every 5 minutes telling me how "evil" Abby has been.

Abby is still upstairs crying, because her TV time before bed was taken away. She's been crying for over an hour, although it has let up quite a bit in the last 10 minutes. Maybe she's surrendering to being tired and finally relaxing into sleep.

So, hopefully one of my very small group of followers will read this and have some words of wisdom to share.

And to my sisters, I wish I had treasured you more when we were younger and annoyed each other. I wish I had known that I'd spend my adult life away from you, so I could have treasured the time we had. Please know that, no matter where I live, I will always love the 3 of you very, very much. If I could change one thing about my life, it would be that we were closer in proximity so that we could hang out more.

Laurie, Shari and Mandy - I love you!

Alissa turns 16 today

photo from http://www.icestandard.org/products/view/4543/sweet-16-key-rings.html

My oldest, Alissa, turns 16 today. A milestone birthday.

I've written her birthday letters before, but this one will be a little different. Instead of remembering her birth, which I've done on the blog already, I would like to write a bit about my hopes for her.

Every parent wants their kid to be happy and successful. They want their kids to have a better life than they did (even if their life is pretty great already). I am no different. I want Alissa to have the best of everything. I want her to know that the world's her oyster. She can literally do ANYTHING she wants. She's smart, she's outgoing, she's confident, and she's overall just a great kid.

Alissa's had it rougher than my other 2 kids. She's moved the most. She's been to 8 different schools. She's been the new kid at school, at daycare, in the neighborhood, more times than is really fair. (The other kids don't remember or haven't moved as much obviously.) She is the oldest, which means we hold her to a higher standard, whether we mean to or not. She is automatically the example for her sisters. She is automatically the one we look to first.

It's not always fair. In fact, sometimes it downright sucks, being the oldest. (Sorry, Mom. No offense meant.) Alissa handles it in stride. Sure, she has her moments when she disagrees, or talks back. Doesn't every teenager? Or every kid, for that matter?

But if that's the worst thing we've had to worry about with her thus far (and it is), I'd say we're pretty darn lucky. And grateful.

She's a great kid. I'm lucky to be her mom. When I hear her laugh, I am forced to laugh along, whether I actually think whatever she said was funny. (It usually is.) When I look at her, I can't believe how beautiful she is. How grown up. How mature and strong. She has beliefs. She has a moral code. She has a sense of right and wrong.

I am so proud of her.

I love you, Alissa. I know you're at an age where it's not always cool to say that out loud. But I want you to know I love you. I am so blessed to know you and to get to share the events of your life with you. As you turn 16 today, and prepare for all the things this year will bring - driver's license, Junior Prom, AP classes - always know that I am there for you, with you.

You are never alone. Ever.

I hope that you have 90 more birthdays after this one. But I hope this one creates a memory that you can keep forever. I hope you can remember turning 16 as a great day.

All my love to you this day - and everyday - my beautiful Alissa.

The last of our belongings arrived today...

So, we got the last of our stuff today. The things that we put into storage in Tennessee almost 3 years ago, as we prepared to move from Tennessee to Hawaii. It was mostly stuff that we knew we wouldn't use - an heirloom wooden high chair, keepsakes belonging to each of the 3 kids, yard work accessories, Jon's and my winter clothes, and the car top carrier for the van.

Most of these items made sense to place into storage. We wouldn't need cold-weather clothes, and Abby had outgrown the high chair already. We'd heard the yards were postage-stamp size, and where would we drive to in Hawaii that we'd possibly need a car top carrier?

I smiled as I saw these things returned to us. As my childhood rocking chair came into the house, I teared up, visually remembering Alissa sitting in it at Ft. Knox, rocking her babies to sleep (when she was little more than a baby herself.)

I was thrilled to see my winter clothes and realize that half of them are a size too big. (Man, jogging actually pays off when you stick with it!) My high school varsity jacket even almost closes. Almost.

There wasn't a lot to go through, less than 30 different boxes or items to be unwrapped. As I sorted through each one briefly, I remembered that I haven't seen this stuff since 3 houses ago. (Yes, 3, if you count the 2 we lived in in Hawaii.) That makes it seem like forever ago.

All the items were labeled specifically. I remember walking around behind the movers, writing on the Rubbermaid totes, cardboard boxes, and paper wrapping. I wanted to make sure I remembered this stuff when we next saw it.

But there was one Rubbermaid tote that was curiously not labeled. I knew it was ours, but I couldn't figure out why it wasn't labeled. As I sorted through these things, I pushed aside that tote for last.

After everything else was opened, inspected, cried on (in some cases), embraced, and smelled (these things definitely smell like they've been in storage for a while), I opened the last tote.

I was hoping for a final surprise, and boy did I get one. This tote was full of...

Wait for it...

Tupperware! (and fake-Tupperware, like Gladware, etc...)

I giggled as I wondered aloud what I must have been thinking when I packed this box and marked it for storage. Why did I think it was stuff worth saving, but not worth taking with us to Hawaii?

It's nothing special, just cups and bowls and water bottles. They aren't fancy or expensive or rare. And I didn't even miss most of that stuff (we had a SpongeBob water bottle in Tennessee? Really? I don't remember it.)

Anyway, I got a chuckle out of it and thought I'd share. Guess I've gotten a little boring since I became unemployed, if Tupperware makes me giggle...

Happy Thursday all!