Rejection...

So, many of you know, I have a job offer from a few weeks ago which I accepted. Right now they're checking my background and making sure I am who I say I am, that there are no skeletons in my closet, etc.... The job offer is conditional on me passing (which I don't foresee as a problem...)

However, I can't officially start working until that's complete. So, last week I was offered an interview at another place that I won't name, just because. I thought, "I'm not officially employed yet. What the heck, why not?"

I went to the interview. I really thought I killed it. You know where this is going by now, but wait for it...

I came away from the interview feeling confident. I could have seen myself at that place. I could have fit in and done a h*ll of a job.

Today I received the dreaded rejection email. The sender was nice, she said I was an "...exceptionally strong candidate..." and that she "...strongly encourage[s] me to continue to apply for similar positions [at this employer] as they become available...". She asked permission to send my resume to other people at this employer, so that I "...would be on their radar screens...".

That all sounds good, and flattering, and encouraging, but all I saw was "I regret to inform you...".

Why?

I guess I don't understand. How I got a different perception of the interview than they did. After the Q&A, I was asked to submit a writing sample, which I also feel that I killed. On the way from room to room, the gentleman escorting me said, "Whichever way this turns out, it was such a pleasure to get to know you today. You seem like a really cool person."

At the time, I was flattered. Perhaps I should have actually taken that as a sign of what was to come.

It all sounds selfish, I know. Being disappointed and feeling sorry for myself. I know times are tough and lots of people are looking for work. It has just always come to easily to me in the past, I suppose I took that for granted. I don't mean to be selfish. I really just want one job. One actual job, that I can actually go to and do a good job.

I don't even know if not getting the job was what bothered me, because I'm not sure it was my "Dream job". (In the interview, the job description was a little different than the one I actually applied for...)

I think what kills me is the rejection itself. Don't people know that I am a hard-working person, who will give my all? Why don't they see it? I thought I sold myself well, and sincerely.

It hurts. It sucks. And I cried about it this morning.

I hate rejection. I want some acceptance, not rejection.

And, to top it off, I've decided that being laid off from IBM this past summer is what has really driven my self-esteem down. I did a h*ll of a job for them for 5 years. I gave them a BIG chunk of my life. And they laid me off for it.

Meanwhile, there are still a couple friends of mine there. Still working from home and still doing the job that I was doing. Another huge blow - why wasn't I good enough?? I don't understand.

Then I remember all the things I've been taught:

1. technically I was offered a job and accepted (at the first place), I'm just impatient that the background stuff isn't done yet;

2. when one door closes, another opens. There IS a reason that the IBM door closed, even if I never find out what that reason is;

3. things happen for a reason. There is a reason that God doesn't think that job was the best for me;

4. that, with faith, good things happen.

It hurts less, but still hurts. So, I'm a little sad today. A little discouraged.

By dinnertime, though, Alissa's not-yet-started Halloween costume will be made (by me), I will have cooked a great dinner for my family, and I will have spent a great 90 minutes dancing with 2nd and 3rd grade Girl Scouts, laughing and forgetting about this one setback.

I will be refreshed and renewed. I will find my determination and perseverance, and I will get back in the ring.

For now, though, just for a few minutes, I want to be sad. I want to be angry at IBM for letting me go. I want to feel the emotions that I have pushed down for 5 months. That I am angry and discouraged and worried that no job will ever want me.

Then I will brush myself off and continue with life.

Happy Halloween everyone. The weekend can only get better from here, right?