Friday, October 29, 2010


So, many of you know, I have a job offer from a few weeks ago which I accepted. Right now they're checking my background and making sure I am who I say I am, that there are no skeletons in my closet, etc.... The job offer is conditional on me passing (which I don't foresee as a problem...)

However, I can't officially start working until that's complete. So, last week I was offered an interview at another place that I won't name, just because. I thought, "I'm not officially employed yet. What the heck, why not?"

I went to the interview. I really thought I killed it. You know where this is going by now, but wait for it...

I came away from the interview feeling confident. I could have seen myself at that place. I could have fit in and done a h*ll of a job.

Today I received the dreaded rejection email. The sender was nice, she said I was an "...exceptionally strong candidate..." and that she "...strongly encourage[s] me to continue to apply for similar positions [at this employer] as they become available...". She asked permission to send my resume to other people at this employer, so that I "...would be on their radar screens...".

That all sounds good, and flattering, and encouraging, but all I saw was "I regret to inform you...".


I guess I don't understand. How I got a different perception of the interview than they did. After the Q&A, I was asked to submit a writing sample, which I also feel that I killed. On the way from room to room, the gentleman escorting me said, "Whichever way this turns out, it was such a pleasure to get to know you today. You seem like a really cool person."

At the time, I was flattered. Perhaps I should have actually taken that as a sign of what was to come.

It all sounds selfish, I know. Being disappointed and feeling sorry for myself. I know times are tough and lots of people are looking for work. It has just always come to easily to me in the past, I suppose I took that for granted. I don't mean to be selfish. I really just want one job. One actual job, that I can actually go to and do a good job.

I don't even know if not getting the job was what bothered me, because I'm not sure it was my "Dream job". (In the interview, the job description was a little different than the one I actually applied for...)

I think what kills me is the rejection itself. Don't people know that I am a hard-working person, who will give my all? Why don't they see it? I thought I sold myself well, and sincerely.

It hurts. It sucks. And I cried about it this morning.

I hate rejection. I want some acceptance, not rejection.

And, to top it off, I've decided that being laid off from IBM this past summer is what has really driven my self-esteem down. I did a h*ll of a job for them for 5 years. I gave them a BIG chunk of my life. And they laid me off for it.

Meanwhile, there are still a couple friends of mine there. Still working from home and still doing the job that I was doing. Another huge blow - why wasn't I good enough?? I don't understand.

Then I remember all the things I've been taught:

1. technically I was offered a job and accepted (at the first place), I'm just impatient that the background stuff isn't done yet;
2. when one door closes, another opens. There IS a reason that the IBM door closed, even if I never find out what that reason is;
3. things happen for a reason. There is a reason that God doesn't think that job was the best for me;
4. that, with faith, good things happen.

It hurts less, but still hurts. So, I'm a little sad today. A little discouraged.

By dinnertime, though, Alissa's not-yet-started Halloween costume will be made (by me), I will have cooked a great dinner for my family, and I will have spent a great 90 minutes dancing with 2nd and 3rd grade Girl Scouts, laughing and forgetting about this one setback.

I will be refreshed and renewed. I will find my determination and perseverance, and I will get back in the ring.

For now, though, just for a few minutes, I want to be sad. I want to be angry at IBM for letting me go. I want to feel the emotions that I have pushed down for 5 months. That I am angry and discouraged and worried that no job will ever want me.

Then I will brush myself off and continue with life.

Happy Halloween everyone. The weekend can only get better from here, right?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Remembering a Fallen Hero...

image courtesy of

A year ago today, a friend of mine got the visit that no military spouse ever, ever wants to have.

It's the first (and so far, only) close friend the Heffners have known to lose their life in a war that I don't really understand.

I remember everything about that day, like when someone asks you what you were doing when 9/11 took place, or when Katrina hit.

I haven't seen this friend in a long time - we have lived in different cities since 2005. I haven't been able to hug her, to physically be there. But I think about their family all the time. I don't know what it's like to lose the person that you love most in the world. And I wish she didn't either.

To my friend: I know that hundreds of people are telling you this, but I am here. A phone call away. A shoulder, a comforting ear, a friend. Someone that has prayed for you and will always be there. Always. We will probably never live in the same town again, but we'll never be far.

To her fallen soldier: Thank you for your selfless service. You paid the ultimate price so that America could continue to live life the way they are acccustomed. You gave your life fighting in a conflict that many of us are baffled by, and some of us have probably even stopped paying attention to (as sad as that is).

You are missed by many, admired by even more. And a grateful nation remembers you, grieves for you, and mourns that your life was cut short.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Rain, rain, go away

Blech. Rain again.

I liked the rain the first 10 times it rained here. I welcomed it.

Our love affair is over. Rain, we've had enough for a while. Can you please take a break?

At least the temperature is decent. The weather guy says it's mid-60's but I have on shorts and flip-flops, and I was OK outside for the stuff that I needed to do outside.

Abby's home sick - well, getting over a fever and the doctor told me to keep her home today just to be sure. She's watching Wonder Pets and playing with her army of Littlest Pet Shops. I think she counted 106 of them. I'm cleaning the house (again) and wondering if this job I was offered will ever become real. The paperwork just to get started is taking an awfully long time, and today the person that I need assistance from is away. (I asked around, and was told to wait for her return tomorrow.)

I was really excited about this job and hope that it becomes real very soon. I'm sorta over the stay-at-home-and-do-stuff-around-the-house-for-7-hours-everyday thing.

Well, back to cleaning...Happy Wednesday (again)!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Life is much different in Virginia - in unexpected ways...

In many ways, Virginia is so different from Hawaii. The Heffners are having to learn all over again about the 4 seasons, and having to rake leaves and wear jackets, and what it feels like to have a cough and a sniffle.

Virginia has changing leaves, and rain. We've had more rain in the last 2 weeks than we had in 3 years living in Hawaii. It has freeways, actual freeways, and back roads for when the freeways are too busy or cluttered with accidents.

The pools are closed, and the nearest beach is probably 3 hours away.

We have nice neighbors, the ones we've met at least, but there is no 'ohana. No one stopping by just to say hello or drop off brownies or show us their new baby's smile.

We're getting used to all of it, all the changes that I don't think we were prepared for (even though we all talked about it, and we all knew were coming.)

But in many ways, living here is better. We get to spend a LOT more time with Jon, which is nice and unusual at the same time. It's great to have him here for dinner every night, and to be able to hopefully carpool with him if my job ever finishes the paperwork needed for me to start.

It's nice to see Alissa with a boy who cares about her, who thinks she hung the moon. A boy with goals for the future, and who has a moral code and a work ethic and a polite demeanor.

It's great to have a finished basement for the kids to retire to - where the toy mess can stay out of sight, and the elliptical machine can squeak without me waking or bothering the kids.

But every day I spend at least a minute missing Hawaii and being grateful for the time we had there. I watch Hawaii-5-0 every week just to see glimpses of the place we so recently called home. We talk about Hawaii all the time - I think to preserve the memories of a place that gave us such a wonderful 30 months.

Overall, Virginia is growing on me. I am very slowly learning which roads go where and the best way to get from Point A to Point B. The kids are settling into their school routines and after-school activities, and we're planning for the upcoming holiday season - my favorite time of year.

I hope to be starting a new job in just a couple of weeks, God willing. I was offered a job but can't start until the background-check process is complete and successful. Of course, there's no reason for me not to pass a background-check, but it still makes me nervous. Yeah, that's what I do best. Worry.

In the meantime, I'm trying to tie up loose ends and get everything done around here that needs attention - dentist appointments, car service, eye appointments, paperwork that I won't have time to do during the day once my job begins.

I secretly like being at home, and having that as my main job. But, part of me also hates it. Hates being alone with nothing to do except house-related stuff. There's only so much laundry you can fold, only so many dishes to wash.

Again, as I mentioned in a post before, this is not to say that SAHM's don't have tough and rewarding jobs in themselves. But, for me, working outside the home is something I like and am very proud of. My kids are older, even Abby at 7 doesn't really need me here during the day, since she's at school all day herself. So why not work outside the home, and use that money to pay for my kids to go to college (or whatever else we decide)?

But the background process has been longer than I originally expected. So I have more time at home than we originally expected.

I pray that the background check is uneventful and that I hear soon that I can get started at work. I am really excited about this position and the possibilities it holds for me over the next couple of years. I really want to get started.

On a totally unrelated note, Glee (my favorite show in the world) is a rerun tonight, so I think I'll try to hit the hay early. 5:20 comes awfully early every morning.

Goodnight all! Happy Wednesday!