Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Missing...

I almost never blog about this. Or talk about it, for that matter. But, someone once told me that writing things down helps. Let's see...

For some reason, I was given the independent gene. I don't know where it came from, but I have always been ok with:
  • being in charge of a situation
  • eating alone in a public place (what's the big deal?)
  • managing things at home
  • being the only grown up in the house for periods of time

OK, that last one I don't really love, but I do it. In 1994, I made a promise when I married Jon. To some, the promises mean love, honor, partnership, and togetherness. Because of Jon's line of work, our promises also included long stretches of time apart, 'single' parenting, and lots of extra work to keep our marriage tight. I promised to handle the hard times that Army life would bring, and I promised to be the boss at home so he could be the boss at work.

Well, you would think that after 14 years of marriage that I would be good at these separations. I'd like to say that I am, but I am human, too. I miss having him here. Even though we don't have a lot of time together - the Army demands a lot of Jon's time - I miss the sound of that motorcycle pulling into the driveway. I miss the 5 times (or more) every day that the phone rings, even though most of those calls from him are only a minute or less. I miss his presence. When he's not here, things function, but they don't. There is a certain silence at bedtime, when my room is missing another grown up and the TV is not tuned to Sci-fi :0) There is a strangeness at dinner, when the kids eat more ramen than they should and we're not wondering "When is Dad going to walk through the door?" I have a lot of trouble sleeping when he's not here - I leave the TV or the bathroom light on for company. (Friday night I woke up and cleaned up the toys in the backyard at 12:30 am because I couldn't sleep.)

So, today I am missing my other half. It's only been a few days since I talked to him, but sometimes those days feel like weeks. "Normal" families take for granted that their dads are home for dinner everynight, and don't have to go on month-long business trips (with little or no communication back home). They never worry about who will repair the lawn mower or figure out why the ceiling fan is a little more wobbly than it should be. They get the man of the house to do those things. When the man of our house is gone, we find solutions to those problems. (Now that Alissa is older, she is a tremendous help when she wants to be.) But, there is no substitute for the real thing.

So, in a nutshell, I am missing Jon terribly today. And, he doesn't return for over 21 days. I don't think he ever reads this blog, so I will have to tell him these same things when he calls again. Until then, I will miss him silently but press on, knowing that the world doesn't stop just because I am feeling a little lonely here in the eerily quiet house. Soon the girls will be home and I will forget what the quiet house sounded like just moments before...

There, that does feel better! Now if only he would call...

3 comments:

Cindy said...

aahhhhh how I could have written this blog myself. Sadly, the rest of Ft Campbell is coming back from deployment, so all I see are welcome home signs, and kids with their Dad's. It makes me so sad. I am just so torn. MWR did a ton of stuff for the spouses of the deployed this time, but I can almost guarantee that they will NOT do anything for us while our guys are gone. We are kind of the forgotten group.

I am sorry that you are feeling so lonley. For some reason in Hawaii I felt more alone then ever when Jim would leave, which was all the time. I only wish there was free long distance when we lived there. That made it worse I think. That and the time difference :-( I am thinking about you. I have imed you a few times, but you never seem to be there.

RangersGirl said...

Well that just stinks that he is gone over Thanksgiving. What a crummy time for the Army to pick for a training or whatever they sent him off to do. I guess good news is he will be home for Christmas.

I know he misses you a lot when he isn't with you and the girls. He was funny when he was here for Command and Staff and I had just started dating Major A - - I guess with all my new relationships, I have always hoped that it would be "The One" however as each one sputters and dies in the end, I've become more and more uncertain. He's a good pep talker. I probably drove him nuts! He had a long conversation with me about how it was when you guys first met and how one of the things he told you when you frist started dating was that he'd be in the Army and deployed and you just said, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there." and that answer made him feel good. So many other women would have been "You'll just have to quit the Army if you want to be with me." You've done a great job of crossing the bridges when you've gotten there. Some have been longer bridges than others - - like being in Korea the first year of your marriage. My marriage didn't survive that - - of course that had a lot to do with the X being a real jerk.

I guess you get the taste of being the single career woman at periods of time (kind of get to ride both sides of the fence). You do what all of us without a man in the house do- - you get 'er done.

The single life, I'd have to say is getting really lonely. I guess that is why I fill my days up with so much and stay at work so late - - I don't have to come home and think about being alone. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that I will always be single and that makes me sad. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to support myself and to get the things done in the house that need to get done.

Well now its just 20 days and Jon will be home! YAY!

Krysti said...

Hey Girl! Your right! Missing the special man in your life repeatedly because you married the army is no simple task. Like Ranger Girl said, most strong ladies "don't get it." Those strong woman who are military wives and make it all work are extraordinary and so are the men they are married too! As your family in far away Ohio can attest too, You Both do a great job! While you may not always see it, you will appreciate the strength your girls have learned from you and their long-term ability to stand up and be strong.

You are gonna make it girl and yeah some days are hard! But you are strong, God is stronger, and ONE DAY at a time you will get there.

Love, Jackie