I don't want to do it. It feels unfair, to have to talk to people who will be doing my work, and coaching them on how to do it well.
I didn't do anything wrong. I've had great performance reviews for my 5-year tenure with them. I've been a team player.
Some days, I understand that it's "just business", just the almighty dollar. It's not personal.
Some days, I struggle with trying to understand why I am being let go (along with more than 3,000 other good employees who I am sure were also team players).
There are good days, when I am sure that God hears my prayers and has a plan for me. A great plan that doesn't include my current employer (but that's OK).
There are bad days, when I can't imagine why they're letting me go, why I am losing a job for the first time in my life and worrying about interviews for the first time in 9 years. Where I am concerned that I am almost 39 and how in the heck will I ever find a new job? A job that is flexible for my family and pays more than McDonald's? A job in my field, where I won't have to commute an hour one way and spend so much time away from the kids.
Today is a bad day, because I had a 3-hour call with my replacements. Perfectly fine men, who are gracious and appreciative of my knowledge and my sharing it with them. But, my voice started to crack as I talked to them. Knowing in 6 weeks I won't be needed anymore. That I will just be a memory, if that. And that the documentation I am creating for them now, the foundation that will help them do a good job for IBM, will be left behind but no one will recognize that I am doing the right thing, being the bigger person.
I know. It should be enough for me to know that I'm doing what's right. I should be the only one who cares that I am being a good person and still trying hard, up to the bitter end.
I want this to be over. I know when they offered to keep me until May 31, I was originally happy. Now I'm really not. It's more like purgatory, where you know something will happen but you don't know what or when.
I want to find a new job, a better job that I like a whole lot more. But I worry that either I won't find it or it won't find me.
I know, you are all tired of hearing about this and want me to have some patience and faith.
I do, too. I want to have faith, but some days my faith gives way to fear and low self-esteem.
Today's one of those days.
It just sucks. And I had to let it out. I can't cry about a stupid job (or lack of it) anymore.
Thanks for listening. And for prayers. It means a lot, and one day I'll look back (like I always do) and wonder what I was so worried about.
I know it. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry it to death.