Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How to get through doing stuff we don't want to do?

Today I am training my "replacements". The people who will do my job starting May 31, when IBM has said that they don't need me anymore.

It sucks.

I don't want to do it. It feels unfair, to have to talk to people who will be doing my work, and coaching them on how to do it well.

I didn't do anything wrong. I've had great performance reviews for my 5-year tenure with them. I've been a team player.

Some days, I understand that it's "just business", just the almighty dollar. It's not personal.
Some days, I struggle with trying to understand why I am being let go (along with more than 3,000 other good employees who I am sure were also team players).

There are good days, when I am sure that God hears my prayers and has a plan for me. A great plan that doesn't include my current employer (but that's OK).

There are bad days, when I can't imagine why they're letting me go, why I am losing a job for the first time in my life and worrying about interviews for the first time in 9 years. Where I am concerned that I am almost 39 and how in the heck will I ever find a new job? A job that is flexible for my family and pays more than McDonald's? A job in my field, where I won't have to commute an hour one way and spend so much time away from the kids.

Today is a bad day, because I had a 3-hour call with my replacements. Perfectly fine men, who are gracious and appreciative of my knowledge and my sharing it with them. But, my voice started to crack as I talked to them. Knowing in 6 weeks I won't be needed anymore. That I will just be a memory, if that. And that the documentation I am creating for them now, the foundation that will help them do a good job for IBM, will be left behind but no one will recognize that I am doing the right thing, being the bigger person.

I know. It should be enough for me to know that I'm doing what's right. I should be the only one who cares that I am being a good person and still trying hard, up to the bitter end.

I want this to be over. I know when they offered to keep me until May 31, I was originally happy. Now I'm really not. It's more like purgatory, where you know something will happen but you don't know what or when.

I want to find a new job, a better job that I like a whole lot more. But I worry that either I won't find it or it won't find me.

I know, you are all tired of hearing about this and want me to have some patience and faith.

I do, too. I want to have faith, but some days my faith gives way to fear and low self-esteem.

Today's one of those days.

It just sucks. And I had to let it out. I can't cry about a stupid job (or lack of it) anymore.

Thanks for listening. And for prayers. It means a lot, and one day I'll look back (like I always do) and wonder what I was so worried about.

I know it. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry it to death.


RangersGirl said...

It does suck, and I've been there. And what you are doing will be appreciated and it will be passed on to future employers. Believe me.

Tiffany, so many times I have found myself in positions were the person before me quit the company...gave the two weeks, I to assigned to their job but they were already checked out. Being in that position sucked, not getting all the information. I vowed to never do that to anyone else. I never have.

You are a professional and you are doing what true professionals do. That will shine for you, trust me. There are so few 'professionals' left out there, people with a sense of responsibility.

It sucks that you are getting laid off...but that won't look bad either...its the economy. IT firms are always looking for good people. Take a break for the last months you are in Hawaii and enjoy yourself. Get through the move back CONUS and then start looking. There will be something, I am sure of it. Send me your resume too, I'll pass it to my other friends also.

Carrol said...

I know this will all work out for you. But I'm a worrier somewhat like you. Right now I'm saying "why me?" when I know that is out of my control. I didn't do anything to deserve 'this' either, but I still have to deal with it. Some days are good (like yours) and some days are not. I'm working to keep the latter to a minimum and stay positive. I'll pray for you and you pray for me and we will both get through this with God's loving arms around each one of us. I love you like a daughter.

Cindy said...

It sucks, and you have a right to complain. It is what is bothering you and it matters alot to you. We are your friends and here to read/listen to you what ever you need. Hang in there (((Hugs)))