Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart"

Probably my most favorite song lyrics ever come from the song "For Good" from the Broadway musical Wicked:

"So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now, whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

I cry absolutely every.single.time that I hear this song. It speaks to my heart each and every time I hear it.

A little backstory:

In my life, I have been hurt by people I called friends. I have also hurt people that I had once called friends. I don't consider myself a bad person - I follow the law, I try to help others and be kind, I even wave idiots on in front of me in traffic. Those I have hurt, I hurt by accidental temporary insanity, or by my own insecurities and self-confidence issues, not because I ever wanted to hurt the people in my life.

These "hurts" at a relatively young age have caused me a lifetime of trust issues. I trust almost no one with my secrets. I have never told anyone all of my life's story - each friend gets a little bit.

I don't have a true BFF to share, to laugh, to cry, because I am afraid to give that much power to someone else. It has always hurt me to do so in the past.

I'm rambling...These are all things I have said before. Back to the topic...

Because I have been a military spouse for 17 years, it sometimes feels we have lived the lives of gypsies. We barely have time to unpack and figure out where the good restaurants are, and it's time to pack up and go again. With my seemingly insurmountable trust issues, how can I possibly find a BFF in that short amount of time? One I can trust and share with and really embrace?

The answer, for me, is that most of the time I can't. I don't.

However, I had two very rare opportunities in my military-associated life to find the exception to this rule - living in Germany and living in Hawaii.

I was blessed to meet some lovely ladies (and their families) in both places that have definitely left handprints on my heart.

(Well, in Germany I was also burned by two ladies that I really cared about as friends. I haven't really ever forgiven them for that. I probably should write a blog entry for that one, just to finally let it go...)

But, I did find the closest thing to a BFF that I think I have ever had.

And in Hawaii, we found 'Ohana. More than friends - people to share our lives with.

I miss them in an almost unhealthy way. (Thank goodness for Facebook, which allows to maintain a presence in each other's lives.)

Thank you, Glee (my favorite show) for airing my favorite song last night. It was a beautiful tribute to the power of friendship.

I think I cry when I hear that song because for years I have really needed a friend in my life. Not just a Facebook friend.

No offense meant to any of my current friends. You are my friends and I love you. But I know you all have BFFs that are not me. And that's fine. It just makes me long for one of my own.

Any takers?

1 comment:

Jenrs924 said...

I will take it!!!
I know the longing you write about. I experienced it in my military travels and can relate to a lot of what you say. I thought I had a BFF once but was betrayed. In my maturity I hope to practice more forgiveness, for we all make mistakes. That is why the one who betrayed me is now back in my life, we are getting to know each other again, we are what I would call friends, but no where near a BFF. I feel you have to have love and TRUST in that special person. So until that true BFF comes along in each of our lives......... I will be your BFF. You and I have a long history of friendship and I feel if it were not for the distance, you and I would be in each others lives all the time. I do truly love you my Dear FRIEND Tiff!