Yeah, I said it. Depressed. Well, maybe just a little lonely. I can't be sure. It seems like all of my friends from the past (my recent past and my "past" past) have moved on without me. I have tried to contact some of them, but no one ever writes back. I don't get it. I read a passage once, I don't know where it came from. It said, "People are in your life for as long as God wants them in your life." I know that God has a plan - I have always believed that. I don't understand why God thinks that I am better off doing things alone - no best girlfriend to call on the phone, no buddies to have a book club with. I am sure that there is a reason - I have never doubted that there is a Divine Plan for me, and it is not my place to question it. But, sometimes I wonder. Why? Why did those people, who once meant so much to me (and some still hold very dear places in my heart) leave my life? Just because I move from place to place, why do I have to start over EVERY TIME and find new people to share with? It's so hard for me to trust someone enough to even make a friend. I have been hurt way too many times in my life. So, how do I get to a point where I can find someone, let them in, and keep them (even after the next move)? I think that this military life has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be - more tolerant, more patient, more independent. But everyone needs at least one person that they can always go to. I know people are busy with their lives. I am too, I get it - I have a job, 3 school-age kids, a husband who always has to go somewhere. But, it only takes 30 seconds to send an email that says "Got your note, I can't talk long but thanks! You are my friend too." If you only knew how much that would mean to me!! I want so much to give my friendship to someone who can give me a friendship in return. I am tired of being lonely.
And, just like Germany was, Hawaii is a nice enough place but sometimes it is just too darn far from home. (For those of you who have lived here, please don't say I told you so.) I like it here, but sometimes you just need to see your Mom so she can make it better. (Even when you're 37!) When you live an ocean away, you can't do that. And with the time difference, every time I want to call one of those friends (because it's harder to avoid me if I call than it is if I email you), it is the middle of the night on the mainland.
So, if anyone out there reading this could just write me a little note or comment, so I know that there is someone thinking of me and that it will be OK. I just need that right now. I know we're all busy. But we all need friends. A friend once told me, "If you want a friend, you have to be a friend." I want to be a friend. Will anyone answer that call?