Yeah, I said it. Depressed. Well, maybe just a little lonely. I can't be sure. It seems like all of my friends from the past (my recent past and my "past" past) have moved on without me. I have tried to contact some of them, but no one ever writes back. I don't get it. I read a passage once, I don't know where it came from. It said, "People are in your life for as long as God wants them in your life." I know that God has a plan - I have always believed that. I don't understand why God thinks that I am better off doing things alone - no best girlfriend to call on the phone, no buddies to have a book club with. I am sure that there is a reason - I have never doubted that there is a Divine Plan for me, and it is not my place to question it. But, sometimes I wonder. Why? Why did those people, who once meant so much to me (and some still hold very dear places in my heart) leave my life? Just because I move from place to place, why do I have to start over EVERY TIME and find new people to share with? It's so hard for me to trust someone enough to even make a friend. I have been hurt way too many times in my life. So, how do I get to a point where I can find someone, let them in, and keep them (even after the next move)? I think that this military life has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be - more tolerant, more patient, more independent. But everyone needs at least one person that they can always go to. I know people are busy with their lives. I am too, I get it - I have a job, 3 school-age kids, a husband who always has to go somewhere. But, it only takes 30 seconds to send an email that says "Got your note, I can't talk long but thanks! You are my friend too." If you only knew how much that would mean to me!! I want so much to give my friendship to someone who can give me a friendship in return. I am tired of being lonely.
And, just like Germany was, Hawaii is a nice enough place but sometimes it is just too darn far from home. (For those of you who have lived here, please don't say I told you so.) I like it here, but sometimes you just need to see your Mom so she can make it better. (Even when you're 37!) When you live an ocean away, you can't do that. And with the time difference, every time I want to call one of those friends (because it's harder to avoid me if I call than it is if I email you), it is the middle of the night on the mainland.
So, if anyone out there reading this could just write me a little note or comment, so I know that there is someone thinking of me and that it will be OK. I just need that right now. I know we're all busy. But we all need friends. A friend once told me, "If you want a friend, you have to be a friend." I want to be a friend. Will anyone answer that call?
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2 comments:
we called you last week! My cell phone is messed up, and not only is my camera broken, but it is deleting stuff out of it. Your house number was missing, but we called your cell, and Alyssa's. I am terrible lonley too. It amazes me how my best friend of 20 years moves here, and I feel more lonely then I have felt in my liffe since then :-( You need to come back to TN!!!!!
I am the most horrible person at keeping in contact with people. Mainly because I work in that secure environment so no phones - - and oh, yah, living at work kind of puts a krimp in things.
Funny, you write that you feel like everyone has moved on without you. I've often felt that way myself. Mainly because I'm still single and don't have any kids. Last summer my last single friend got married and moved to Texas. I think I've been through three sets of friends in the last 10 years and once they all get married and start having kids - - I'm further than an after thought.
I joined a Bible Study group last summer (so glad I did its been a blessing) of other 30 something single professional women. You should look into doing something like that. Start your own book club or Bible Study (I'm sure the Chaplin would advertise it). I think you would be a great mentor to younger military wives too.
Tiffany, I have always thought you a really neat person. I had always hoped that I'd stay friends with you guys - - and hoped I'd be remarried someday and we could all do couples things. I have felt bad that when you guys are in the DC area I have gotten sucked into the busy-ness of this area (well the last time it was the darn car repairs from yet another person hitting my car).
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